NOT-SO-LARGE MARGE CHRONICLES

The Good The Bad and the Ugly

2012-01-22T22:13:00.000-05:00

I don't want to be the headliner in my own sad news story. LargeMarge Gone Bad. Everytime I am on the path to finally being the best version of me I sabotage myself. The whys are the problem. Stress relief, cheap anger management, depression all cheap excuses but hell they'll do in a pinch. I have never tried to right myself once I have begun a slide towards the abyss.

The Good
I started my journey to a healthy weight in March 2007. I lost 145.6 pounds in fourteen months. I adopted a new attitude. I made better food choices. I managed my inner demons.

The Bad
Looking back I was so caught up in the moment I didn't take time to adjust to the new me. I felt insecure in the me I had created. I felt unsure of where to take my journey. I stopped trusting myself. In turn I stopped managing all aspects of getting to goal. I should have sought help instead of trying to figure things out for myself.

The Ugly
When I let things turn ugly they turn UGLY. I have walked away from my journey so often now I am pretty sure I am on a different trip. I have put a chunk of my weight back on. So much so that this ugly needs a new sweater to hide the rolls. I am angry, disappointed, depressed. I am tired of failing. The ugly truth is I have to start over again. I need to forget where I have come from and set my sights on where I want to end up.

The New Beginning
I deserve to become the best example of myself. I want to do this for me. This show is not over. I am worth the trip. I will see this journey through to the end.

Salad Not Pie

2011-07-18T16:52:00.001-04:00

I have been living the new program. I guess I am doing OK as I am now at 29 pts/day until I reach goal. I am down 9.8 pounds. My clothes are starting to fit better. I feel better. I want to succeed not just for myself. I want this for ALL the Large Marge's out there trapped in bodies that don't reflect who they are. I want to prove that belief in one's own power is the greatest gift you can have for yourself.

I try to live my life with no regrets but I have some. I regret that it took the loss of my sister and my mother to spur me into action. My whole life I have chased the dream of acceptance. Yet I am the one who can't let go(of the garbage in my life), accept and move on. I regret not going to college, getting a degree, acquiring the job I always wanted.

My mother used to say,"the journey of a thousand miles starts with the first step." I am on the roadtrip of my life with this one. It is time to put the regrets to bed for good. Every day that you wake up is a gift; a new chance to pick yourself up and try again. Don't discard your day. Do something positive with it. Share a smile, call a friend, visit your parents.

Use the day, this day to do something positive for you. Choose a salad skip the pie just for this day. If I can just remember not to forget what a power I can be I will be fine. Never give up on the person you are meant to be.

Starting Over It's Okay It Happens

2011-05-22T20:33:00.000-04:00

Life has a way of turning a person over on their ass cheeks. Life doesn't ask although sometimes it does warn you. 10/12/08 I weighed in at my WW meeting. The scale read back 174 for a total weight loss of 145.6 pounds! ...and then the fear set in. I let it persuade me away from my goal of 165. Fear, friend and foe. To have a little Fear can be a good thing. She can forewarn of danger or keep you from doing something foolish. I hate Fear and her evil twin Doubt. I have let them push me into corners and make decision for my life that I have lived to regret. I am convinced that Failure is just around the corner smoking cigarettes waiting for Fear to be done with her job so he can take over, put a sharpened stick into my soul and be done with me once and for all.

05/22/11 I weighed in at my WW meeting. The scale read back 217.8. ZOWIE!! Yes, that is what I thought. How did that happen? Well that is what happens when you let Fear and Failure drive you. I stopped being careful. I stopped exercising. I stopped trying. I started buying into my own lies.
I need to start over. I have never allowed myself to be a success. I am a self-saboteur. My biggest fault/flaw is that I stop believing in "my happy ending." It is counterproductive. I want more for me, from me. I want to be the best example of myself not the worst.

Starting over will be a good thing for me. I have asked Fear and Failure to leave me alone. I have put in a request for that winning team Confidence and Success. Who knows if I put in the work, have enough faith and patience maybe I can affect the change in my life I so desparately want.

Far and Awry

2011-03-01T21:47:00.001-05:00

Once upon a thirty odd years ago I was a young girl who yearned to be an adult. I finally got my wish one day when that sneaky mistress we all call Time slipped in through a weakness in my foundation. I have been looking for the throwback switch ever since. Why didn't I hold onto that magical time when everything was just out of reach but reachable? Why did I think that being a grownup was the goal to sprint for?

People often form the wrong idea about who I am. I know that I am to blame. I enjoy being somewhat of a mystery. Sometimes though I fool myself. Have you just ever wanted to walk away from your life? Why is it that when I am mired down by life I feel it right away? yet I am unable to recognize all the things in my life that are great just the way they are. I am sure I am not alone in those thoughts. I have a good life but I suffer from the grass is greener syndrome. I jump to the conclusion that people around me have it easier or nicer or better or more fulfilling. I feel my soul turn green with envy.I worry that someday the Grim Reaper will alight on my doorstep and only then will I realize that I wasted all those years not knowing I was happy. You can't get back what you have thrown away.

Stop throwing your life away. Lose faith and you lose everything.

Never give up on the person you are meant to be.

Challenges

2011-02-25T08:47:00.000-05:00

Challenges everyone has them. It is how you handle them that sets you apart. I have been back on course since last Sunday. My challenge this week is Shrek's yearly convention. It is a gaming con. One with peoples of various sizes, shapes and levels of cleanliness. No, I am not kidding. I always find this gathering of the masses stressful. It allows me to step away from my home(safe) environs for a hotel room with mini kitchen. In the past it actually meant a nonstop eat fest. I mean it is easier to go out and capture prepared food then to actually make food. Great excuse but bad idea for a recovering food addict. I don't know why but almost all of a sudden I don't care about the junk food anymore. I am in a better mood when I make better choices. Shrek is one smart ogre.

I needed to put more of myself into my efforts. You know not just show up but dig in, participate.

...And Then He Kissed Me

2011-02-20T21:06:00.003-05:00

Up the three flights of stairs I go not at all happy about what the day may hold. Sundays can be very hectic for me and I know my hubby is hard at work writing for his sports page. I am supposed to be as quiet as a church mouse ( nearly impossible for ME of the Big Mouthed Clan). Imagine how surprised I was when Shrek met me at the door. "so how much did you lose?" I am pretty sure my look said it all; and that's when it happened, my hubby hugged me and said," I want you to try to do better and make better choices. You are happiest when you are doing the things you want to do." Okay not the exact words I am sure but I was shocked nonetheless. I nearly cried. What we do and say has an effect on others. My hubby has always been supportive of whatever I undertake from losing weight to skydiving. I know I am lucky. The support thingy doesn't work both ways. I am horrible at it. I admit it. I try, but mostly, I fail him. Huge character flaw. Good thing I am cute and he loves me.

I feel lost. This new program seems easy enough yet I struggle. The common sense part of my brain tells me that every food has a value and needs to be counted in some way but the foodie in me jumps up and down yelling,"yippee bananas are FREE!" I have spent a good portion of my life counting calories and fats. Now all of that has been thrown to the gutter and a new formula given. It feels like learning to stop my car at a green light and go on a red. What the crap!?! I sense DOOM.

{inhale, hold it for a count of 3,exhale} Okay, deal. Life is an ever changing process. I will track. I will try. I will triumph.

On Being Anonymous

2011-02-12T18:52:00.000-05:00

When I first started this blog I didn't want anyone in my life to know I was writing about the crap in my head,or the things in and around my life. Great idea on paper except, I was born with a BIG mouth. Some people now know what I do. It makes journaling a little tougher but it keeps me honest.

I hate that as of late I don't seem to be able to sustain my weight- losing journey. My head is not in the game; hasn't been for a long time. See the cool thing about being anonymous is no one can hold you accountable for your successes or failures. As soon as someone close to you sees around the fences you have put up, the show changes.

People look to me for inspiration. People look up to me. It is very overwhelming. I am glad that I can stand as an example of "she did it so can I" but I have more questions than answers. I have stopped dealing with the demons that made me eat in the first place. Losing weight changes many things in a person's life not just the size of their underpants. I find it a bit perplexing that weight loss programs(WW and the like)waste so much attention on shedding the pounds but little on coming to terms with the issues that made you a Large Marge in the first place. I have yet to meet a fat person who is fat just because they love to eat. Anyone who says that is full of horse pucky. Most overweight people have an emotional need to feed. It is our drug of choice.

The demons in my head use circular logic; a self-perpetuating cycle of shame and punishment I fall into whenever I feel that I have fallen short of something I set out to accomplish. I am having stress, so I make bad choices which make me feel sorry for myself which causes me more stress which....and the cycle continues. I made this choice. I put aside what I know I should do and took up the side dish.
Why? I have a few thoughts rolling around about it. I refrain from putting them here because I know in my heart they are just excuses. I am trying my best to avoid myself. I am losing this battle. No matter where I run I am right there, kind of like a puppy chasing its tail.

This One's For You

2011-01-30T21:56:00.000-05:00

Often when I blog I talk about people yet don't mention them by name. It is my way of protecting the innocent just like on TV. Sometimes; however, people need to see themselves in my world. I have to admit the longer I was away from my Sunday meeting the more I missed some of the very people who laughed with me, cried with me and helped me. One morning as I sat in my livingroom early this December I saw an email from Nancy (hi) asking after my general welfare. It made me smile and wax sentimental for the ladies I friended at that early morning meeting. I had been thinking about tucking tail and going back to base camp to reunite with my travel companions. That email sealed the deal.

Nancy's mom, Irene has been an active member of WW for almost 40 years. I am pretty sure her week feels off if she misses a meeting. She is there every Sunday even though she only has to officially weigh-in once a month. She doesn't know it but she is my hero. I aspire to be like her. I want to be the one who inspires someone to want more for themselves.

With friends by your side anything is possible. Thank you Sunday morning meeting people. I am happy to be back amongst friends where I belong.

Wednesday Words of Wisdom

2011-01-26T22:05:00.000-05:00

In all the time that I have been blogging my journey did I ever mention that I went through a very dark scary space of time? I was very depressed not so much about my weight but about life. I didn't understand why I still had my life but my kidsister didn't. My kidsister died in a car accident May 2004. I was miserable to be around and hated everything and everyone. I seriously contemplated committing suicide. I was tired of settling for the lies I sold to myself. I just wanted the pain to stop. I thought about all that Brenda meant to me, how sad she would've have been if I gave up. I thought about my parents and my hubby. I chose to take charge of my life, accept responsibility for my failures, move on.

I taught myself as a kid to overeat as a way of self-medicating to deal with painful issues, to deal with loneliness, to deal with the dysfunction in my family. I am not sure what tipped my hand that first time toward the Twinkies or what was so appealing about stuffing myself until I felt as if I would be sick. Food has a hold over my soul that I struggle to overcome. I watched my mother struggling with her own self-esteem my whole life. I know she was never confident in her own strengths. I am not sure if she ever came to terms with her issues.

The journey I chose to set out on is not an easy one; definately not for the faint of heart but worth it in the long run. I don't always make the right choices but I never give up. I want to reach goal. I want to be able to say I am in it for the long haul. I made that leap of faith in myself and am better for it. I have struggled this week and I know that come Sunday when I go for weigh-in most likely it will reflect my lack of effort. Live, Learn, Let Go but keep moving towards something better... and the band plays on.

Frozen Entrees

2011-01-23T12:05:00.000-05:00

My alarm is blaring. We got in late last night after a hockey game. I set that blasted thing so I wouldn't miss my WW meeting. I flip the covers off and back on with lightning speed. Holy amounts of Mercury it is freezing in my room. I made a promise to myself that if I went back to Sunday meetings I was going to try not to miss. I sit up and stretch to silence the clock before dear hubby stirs. I lie back down and pick up one of our cats from the corner of our bed and put her on my chest. The purring is nice and she is furry and warm. I begin to doze but the nagging "you have to go" notion is floating in my semi-conscientious state. I made a promise to myself.

I am not looking forward to going out in the cold. This weekend is supposed to be record setting. I layer up and head out. My Jeep groans as I start the engine. The temperature gauge on my dash glows 8 degrees. Crap 8? really? I stop at my local coffee shop and by the time I reach my meeting 5 miles away it has gone cold. UGH, but I am keeping my promise.

It is almost too cold to go out but I braved it. I have the idea that I just might be the only one who ventures out. My favorite weigh-in guy is there as is a roomful of my fellow WW friends. I guess I am not the only brave one. I am keeping my promise. I lost again this week, down 2.6 pounds. Sundays are for me :)

Hope Floats

2011-01-16T21:38:00.000-05:00

I tried the new Points Plus program at WW last week. I did not track on paper. Instead I used the nifty little foodie calculator I paid $5.95 for. I love it. I had grown tired of tracking every morsel on paper. I firmly believe that if this program is supposed to carry me through the rest of my life then it needs to be more user friendly. The little foodie calculator let's me figure out food points and decide wether or not to spend their value.I like that fruit is now free. I hated the idea of skipping a banana or other favorite fruit in oder to SAVE points for foods that the human body needs in order to function. In truth it never made sense to me that fruit and veggies became limited. While I agree that stuffing yourself on fruits and veggies is also unwise I am less likely to do that. I have never had a problem with foods that are healthy for me, silly. Thanks to the WW scientists for getting your heads out of your butts :)

I now feel like I have a method to overcome and survive the difficult path of choices (less crap in equals better quality of life without). I am more likely to stick to this program knowing that when hunger rings the doorbell in my tummy I can secure the entrance with things I like and enjoy. Best of all there will be no GUILT over it. I call that a WIN win...and by the way I lost 4.2 pounds.

On Showing Up

2011-01-09T11:08:00.001-05:00

I could have easily rolled over and turned off the alarm clock. I got out of bed. I could have easily blamed Saturday night's snow. I got ready. I am a reluctant participant in my own life. Screwed up, right? You don't need to agree with me I know the truth. I drove across the city. I went back to my original meeting. I got so wrapped up in my life? or self-pity? or whatever excuse I felt most comfortable with that I stopped showing up at my own life. I gave up on my ambition. In order for me to succeed at the new points plan I have to forget everything I thought I knew. Learn a new approach, find my way...and SHOW UP to participate in my journey.

The people at this meeting have always been very supportive. They still are. They welcomed me back as if I had only been away on a vacation. Sometimes you lose sight of how much others mean to you or what you might mean to them. It felt great to be amongst people I have grown to know and like. Now the real work begins. Stayed tuned. :)

Out With the Old, In With Something New? or Is It Still Old?

2011-01-07T21:27:00.000-05:00

Okay so I thought a new meeting with a new leader would be the thing. The thing? Success at program. I have been unable to sustain any success for quite some time. I was wrong about the new meeting with the new leader. Why? The truth is short and simple and me. Yes, I am totally at fault here. I was unhappy with the leader's style. I had grown restless in my adventure. My personal life was going through some major changes that I am still having difficulties dealing with. I did what any great escape artist would do, I ran. Funny thing is I have never been able to run away from myself.

I am going back to my Sunday weigh-in and meeting. I had my best success there. I need to set out on my journey again with a fresh prospective. I can do this. I want this.

The Hot Mess I Call Me

2011-01-02T21:36:00.000-05:00

Angst is one of my favorite all time words. This describes me to a tee.

"Angst is a German word for fear or anxiety. It is used in English to describe a more intense feeling of internal emotional strife. Angst, in contemporary connotative use, most often describes the intense frustration and other related emotions of teenagers and the mood of the music with which they identify. Punk rock, grunge, rock and roll, and virtually any Alternative Rock dramatically combining elements of discord, melancholy and excitement may be said to assert angst"

That would be me. Intense internal emotional strife or in plain English I am a hot mess. I don't mean to be that way it just sort of happens. I am prone to worry and indecision. I drive myself crazy. I enrage Shrek with it.

It is just part of what makes me who I am. I am trying to let go of my demons. I do not know how to relax. I can be so intense over life that I scare myself.

I am fortunate. I have a hubby who loves me even though I am certifiable. We have a pretty great life together just being us. I need to learn to vocalize my frustrations with myself and situations in a better way. I want to be the best version of me that I can. Seems I need to do more work on myself and spend less time analyzing what is wrong in my life or with me or my job or a million other things I obsess over.

Hello? Dumbass This is Your Life Calling !

2011-01-02T18:32:00.001-05:00

I consider myself to be fairly intelligent. My mother used to say I was too damned smart for my own good. How I hated when she would say that. Boy she was right. I think that is why I hated when she'd say it. I am too smart for my own good. I spend perciuos energy trying to think myself out of situations I don't enjoy or away from people I don't want to interact with. The simple truth about me is I want to be finished taking weight off. I have gotten lazy. I no longer care about the prize. That is just sad. I think I have forgotten that consitency makes for the best results.
I want to be on the other side of this weight loss journey. I just don't want to do the work anymore. Bad Attitude Alert. Now I need to find my own cure. Stay tuned. I am sure this ride will be interesting.

New Year

2010-12-31T22:38:00.000-05:00

I try not to make New Year Resolutions. I find I don't need that extra pressure "making" empty promises I either don't want to keep or are unable to accomplish because the bar has been set too high. The great thing for me is that with the start of every new year my vacation time and sick days at work reset. Oh happy day.

Let the Testing Begin

2010-12-30T11:15:00.002-05:00

OMG two posts in a row. I told you I believe in miracles. :) Dear hubby and are about to go out for the day. We are on vacation from work this week. Hubby has a daughter from a previous relationship. We are taking her and her daughter out for lunch and shopping. I never got to be a mom in my own right. Stepmom I am. Grammy I try. Let me tell you there is no easier way to weird me out then to have a little 5 year old following behind shouting, "Grammy wait for me. Grammy." Absolutely cool and yet gives me the goosebumps.
I am only posting this because I am sure to be challenged at where we go to eat vs. what I can safely eat without falling off program.

...I survived. I wanted to do anything but go shopping but we went. Stress level up. Lunch up next. We tried to hit our local 99 Restaurant; there was an hour wait so we drove off down the road and hit Lou Roc's Diner. Magical place to me all on its own. I played it safe by ordering a boring garden salad with grilled chicken and house dressing on the side.

Yes, I am jumping up and down. I haven't forgotten how to do this. Hooray for me :)

One More Time With Feeling

2010-12-29T22:23:00.000-05:00

My cat looks up at me as if to say,"you know you're certifiable." She couldn't be more on the money if she tried. Why do I set myself up to fail time and again, why? I am afraid to shine because I fear ridicule. Let me say that I worked my asscake off to lose weight. So why did I stop trying? Good question that I didn't want to answer for a long time.

I got tired of being hungry. I got tired of planning all my meals. I got tired of everything. I went to my WW meeting every Sunday morning for fourteen months straight without missing a meeting. I lost every week then the crash came. I started hesitating at the start/finish line. I guess like so many other addicts in the world I let my own headspeak get through to me. "I am better. I have learned. I will never..." OMG get freakin' real Miss Fi.

I am human. I make mistakes. I walked away from what I was learning to be good at. I walked away from my dream of being nonfat just like my favorite nodairy creamer. I eventually figure out which direction is best for me. I never give up. I absolutely refuse. I have returned to my meeting. I have returned to find that there is a new program that I am trying to get the hang of. I have returned to blogging my journey.

Please keep your hands inside the ride, make sure your seatbelts are secure. This ride I call my life has twists and turns. I do this for me, one more time but with feeling. See you soon. :)

I Can Fly

2010-09-05T13:57:00.003-04:00

Once I read a poem by this boy named Adam. It was lovely and moved me in ways I have never been able to express. We as people are born with potential. Life experiences and the people in our lives help to mold that potential. I believe we all have the ability to fly, to soar and become anything we want. I also know that no one can lie to you like you can lie to yourself. I forget that I can fly. I have been listening to the evil black thoughts that pervade my psyche.

My entire life I have felt less. Like I was loved less, wanted less, left with less. I have had help. Kids and adults can be very mean. Some do not hesitate to reach out and help you feel small and insignificant. I know that I am a grown up and that somehow I should be able to shake the past but MY truth is I can't let it go. I hang onto the past like a fishingpole. I cast my line out into the waters of hope, dreams and potential. All I ever seem to be able to reel in? an old boot filled with sludge. The sludge of dreams and hopes that I have given up on. I have become the worst example of myself once again. I can't help but wonder how many times I have to smack myself with a hammer before I realize that it hurts? and that I alone have the power to stop this pain?

I alone have the power to become the best example of me. I just need to believe that I can fly.

Detours

2010-07-28T20:19:00.003-04:00

Funny how you can be traveling down a familiar road and not see the detour coming. Suddenly you find yourself slamming on the brakes in anticipation of a route change. I recently switched to a Wednesday meeting because I thought the day and time were going to work much better for my life situation; and then the detours came.

I missed my WW meeting the first week of July because hubby and I were on vacation away from home base. The next Wednesday came but I had dinner plans with a friend who is moving to Germany for a few years. I felt it was probably going to be the last time I would get to see her so I went. Ok so now I am looking at the third week of July. I am all set to walk through the door of WW again when hubby has a heart epsiode. On that Wednesday my detour began at 9:15 in the morning and wasn't over until tonight,yes another Wednesday, at 7:22 pm. when we finally put hubby's heart rhythm back on course.

I feel like I am finally back on course. I am shooting for my weigh-in next Wednesday. My fingers are crossed. ;)

Just Another Day?

2010-07-03T22:13:00.002-04:00

I have always had a thing about my birthday. I dread the thought of getting older. I hate that I feel alone in the world. I hate that it is in July. My birthday was today. My hubby knows I hate this day. His response? "Honey it's just another day that I get to love you." or he tells me to relax which in turn makes me more tense. I know I am a little off center but that is who I am.
Today was in truth really just another day but the little girl that dwells in my heart hoped for something more. Only after hubby took me to my favorite restaurant for supper did I realize that my life is spectacular. I am lucky enough to have found the one I am happy to share my life with, my soul mate, my friend, my hubby.

...and it is just another day that I get to love you.

Wow What a Wednesday

2010-06-09T19:23:00.004-04:00

I changed meeting time and day. I really like this meeting. Inspiration comes from the most unexpected places sometime. I find I look forward to attending this meeting. A different leader presents program in her own style. It makes something old hat feel like a pretty new ribbon has been added. I find the weekend works better for me. I work better for me. It is the next Wednesday rounding the corner before I know it. I feel I am more in control of my meal planning, my emotions, my time. I am happy with my decision to leave the other meeting as tough as it was to make.

I loved my Sunday meeting. I lost the bulk of my hulk at that meeting. We all change, slowly but change happens whether you are ready for it or not. I think I outgrew my old meeting. Though maybe in truth I shrunk out of my old meeting. Whatever the truth I began to feel like I needed something more for myself. Sometimes the most obvious solution to a problem is the easiest fix. I just didn't think I could trust myself with that answer. Reach out for the light switch if the room is too dark. Don't cower in the shadows waiting for the dawn. Be the light in your life that you are looking for.

New Meeting

2010-06-01T19:49:00.003-04:00

I make no bones about the fact that I struggle. The journey to the "Land of Normal Sizes" is never over. I have learned how to lose weight. I have learned how to make better choices and yes, when I am in the "bubble" of things being in perfect alignment I have learned to cope better with my demons, those evil things that hang onto the edges of my soul, that I am convinced make it easier to fall out of the bubble and onto the platform of FML.

On program I feel healthy mentally and physically. I am happier and feel like I can accomplish whatever I set my mind to. I wish I could bottle that feeling; make it into a easy roll-on similar to deodorant for those times when you think you might need a boost. I decided last week that I needed to claw out of the rut I have allowed myself to wallow in. I picked a new meeting site; one that is closer to where I live, one that is more convenient to my life.

I enjoyed my first meeting in a new place, new time. The solution to a problem can be as simple as thinking outside the box or in my case stepping outside the box. See what is in the way from a different vantage point. This meeting is not the answer I seek. I am the answer. I am what was in the way!!!

What I need to accept is that at some point I will no longer be actively losing weight. I have learned that skill. It's the next skill that separates the losers from the maintainers. I will forever be holding those "need to feed" demons at bay. It is called maintenance. One journey ends as another begins.

I Lost My Spot in Line.

2010-05-16T12:36:00.005-04:00

It doesn't matter how old I get, how long I try, how many times I throw in the towel. I still have things to learn. I have this nagging voice in my head that keeps urging me forward to a better me. I am no different than most people in life that you know and love. Only my life experiences and memories make me different. We all laugh, we all love, we all cry. I think you get my drift.

Why is it I believe or have unwavering faith in someone else's abilities but not my own. I let the crap in life clog my efforts. I have been so busy feeling sorry for myself that I lost my spot in line. I have been spending most of my time feeling frustrated and aggravated by the things going on around me. I should have learned some sort of coping mechanism, besides stuffing my face, by now. Everyone who lives has some sort of struggle in life. I am addicted to food. I jokingly said this morning at WW that I wish it had been anything else like shoes or booze or porn. Those things can be given up. The yearning for those things may always be just on the edge of giving into their attraction but most addictions have one thing in common; an addict can live without their company.

Food has it's own unique evil. I have yet to meet anybody who can just walk away and live happily ever after without it. I like my food piled high with emotion. Seriously I feel so much more emotionally if I add a heaping serving of whatever I can stuff in my face. Yeah, not true so why is it always my first gut reaction? Self-loathing I feel is the true answer. No one I know can lie to me like I can. No one can tear down my self-esteem as fast as I can or as skillfully. It's sad.

I am sure the human mind is wired strangely. A person will remember a slap across the face far longer than a kiss on the cheek. Bad over good. I have gained back some of the weight I have worked so hard to get off. I am responsible for my bad behaviors, bad choices, bad moods. There is no amount of "good tasting " food that can get me back my place in line. Realizing I can do it, believing in myself is something for me to discover. I can do this, I want to do it. The journey to gaol is mine to follow. You may join me on the road but you can not have my place.

Never give up on the person you are meant to be. Sometimes I forget but I never give up.

Tuesdays

2010-04-27T21:44:00.006-04:00

I have to tell you I am not a big fan of the day Tuesday. Any Tuesday at any time. I am not really sure when my loathing for this particular day started but hate it I do. Imagine how unhappy I was this morning after I realized that I had an appointment for a double header doctor's visit. Yes, I said a double header or two parter. Just what every gal needs on a dreaded Tuesday; a mammogram and a pap smear.

And yet something cool happened. I had a great day. In part because the mammographer was very nice. It is difficult for both participants to make "nice" conversation especially if one is semi-nude. I am chatty by nature and tend to like most people I meet. I think I have a good read on most people. There is a saying that people come into your life for a reason. I did something that inspired and motivated someone I don't know.

I think I inspired the mammographer to go back to WW. As much as I like to pretend that WW is not an integral part of my life I prove to myself time and again that it is. Every time I walk away from program I soundly fall on my face, because well, nobody is watching including me. Some time ago I gave up on my journey. Not because I don't want to do it anymore, not because the program doesn't work but because I suck at handling stress. My life has been interrupted by an illness in my Dad.

I am doing about as well as I can in the arena of "I feel crippled and overwhelmed" in regards to my Dad's recent run of bad health. Shortly before Thanksgiving this year, two days before exactly, an aneurysm behind my father's left knee blew and a clot lodged in his foot. I rushed him to the hospital. After what seemed like an eternity, a brilliant yet evil surgeon performed a fem-pop bypass on my Dad's artery to try and save his leg and foot. My dad very nearly died. I have been trying to get back to me ever since.

It is difficult beyond measure to keep my head on straight, to manage two households, to try to stick to program and be happy. Some days are diamonds, some days are stone.

Oh Yes I Can if I Just Believe I Can

2010-04-18T14:19:00.003-04:00

I gave myself permission to succeed. I really believe in self-fulfilling prophecy. If I can dream it I can do it. It is a dangerously sharp two-sided sword; one that can both be uplifting and deadening. It is difficult to strike a harmonious balance. I am trying to fix what I have made a mess from. I walked four days last week and stuck to program. I went to WW this morning and amazingly enough my best efforts were rewarded with a 5.8 lb. weight loss. Yippee for me, yippee for the hard work I put in.

Today begins Week Two in my quest to a better me. This week I want to walk five days and increase my course speed. Well the day calls and I am getting nothing done here waxing poetic. Later ;)

This Time It's For Me

2010-04-11T10:29:00.002-04:00

Today is the only day you have. Live the moment that comes your way. No room for negativity. Be positive that this day will be your best and then make it so.Today I renew my efforts at reaching goal. Life should never become stagnant. When you have low points in your life it needs to be a time of reassessment not giving up or quitting.

There are things in my personal life that need to change too. On many levels I am unhappy and unfulfilled. I deserve more than I allow myself to have. I always settle for less. Why do we do that to ourselves? I know I can't do that anymore. I don't want to.

I took a rest on my journey. I got lost on the path. I let my old habits lure me away from my efforts to become healthier. Not anymore not this time. This time I get to win. This time I will finish. This time is my time. Watch for posts on my progress. I start a 6 week walk program today. Today's goal 2 miles. On June 12th a group of us from WW are going on a 5k walk. I plan on being there. Life is what you make it. Go make something beautiful. :)

The Dusting Off Process

2010-03-27T22:04:00.003-04:00

As people our capacity to love is unfathomable. Yet to love ourselves unattainable. I expect perfection; when I fall short I am mean to myself. I sabotage myself in a bizarre self fulfilling prophecy. It is a never ending tiresome circle. I need for it to end. I don't know how to behave in tough emotional situations. I don't trust myself enough to shut off the voices in my head and listen to my instincts. Whenever I am torn about something going on in my life I recall that advertising pitch of an angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other. Which one will I listen to this time? Lately I let the mini me in red rule the way.

I started this weight loss journey in March of 2007. I have come so far yet I let the finish line loom in front of me. I am convinced I can't finish, that I don't need to. For a long time I haven't wanted to finish. Taking weight off is the easier part of the puzzle. Finding motivation, keeping the motivation is tough but harder still is the balancing act that is needed to maintain the weight you have lost. I have the tools before me to write my own happy beginning. Never give up on the person you are meant to be. Pick yourself up(one more time), dust yourself off(take stock of the damage you have done) and get back to your journey.

Take time to enjoy your life as it unfolds each day.

My Worst Enemy

2009-11-21T11:22:00.002-05:00

If you haven't guessed yet...it would be me. I am my own worst enemy. Are you surprised? I shouldn't be surprised and yet I never stop surprising myself. I am a firm believer that there is no one who can lie to me like I can lie to myself. I am very good at reading someone else and calling their bluff; but let me start polishing up my bullshit stone and I will buy my illogic lock, stock and barrel. I am truly amazing.

Now for some truths. I loathe the fact that I don't seem to be able to get along in my life without Weight Watchers. I miss a few meetings before I know it I am stuffing my face. I trick myself into thinking that I can go it alone. I hate the fact I have an addictive personality. My choice of poison; food. I guess in a small way I should be happy that I choose food and not something else like alcohol or drugs. The real damage is caused from the way that I hound myself about being weak. Acceptance is a battle hard fought and often lost.

More truths; I bailed on myself when my weight reached 174 pounds because I was afraid of succeeding. In my head I still think of myself as "fat girl". I allow myself to wallow in self-pity over trivial bullshit using food as punishment. I am an intelligent gal who does not so intelligent things. What does the future hold for me? What do I really want for myself? Am I smart enough to accept the truth about the whys of my overeating? The future is written every minute of everyday until it becomes the past. I only have the power to work in the now. What I really want is a life I can be satisfied with because I do the best I can do at the moment with the tools I have. I know I am smart enough to accept the whys of my indulgences. I need to stop and think before I traverse the wrong path, make the wrong choices. I need to stop thinking of myself as a "fat girl" self-acceptance is the toughest thing for me. I need to work on this aspect of myself everyday.

I know that for myself I feel at my best when I actively participate in my journey. I have said before that I wanted to weigh 165 pounds. I say it again now. It is time for me to pick myself up, dust myself off, dislodge my head from my ass and finish what I started. I am worth it. I deserve to be happy and healthy. Never give up on the person you are meant to be, ever.

My First Swim Back

2009-09-29T20:26:00.002-04:00

I made it back to the Y. I must admit that I was nervous. It has been a good long while since my last water aerobics class. I was a little worried that I wouldn't be able to keep up. After the initial jitters wore off I did OK. It was kind of like an old-fashioned homecoming. The instructor didn't recognize me, some of the ladies didn't either. It felt really wonderful to get back into action, stretch and participate. It was great to feel like I belonged to something bigger than myself. My next class is Thursday. I did It !

It's Time

2009-09-27T19:20:00.002-04:00

I did something for myself today. I joined the local YWCA . I belonged before and I loved going to the aqua-aerobics classes. As the winter progressed that first year I lost momentum, I got plain lazy, I stopped going. I have said before and I am sure I will say again no one can lie to you like you yourself can. I promised myself I would go back and I let myself down. I gave up on myself. It's time to make another turn in the road. One toward the right direction.

Making a life style change is hard work. It is not for the easily deterred. I started this journey not sure of how long I would last or if I would even make that first turn. I stayed the course and managed to lose a lot of weight.I like my life now. There is so much I can do for myself, by myself that I just couldn't before. I have energy. I have ambition. I have a measure of self worth that didn't exist before. I don't want to lose those things. Slowly I have been letting my old way of eating and thinking creep back into my life.

I am good at supplying handy excuses to enable eating shouldn'ts. My life has stress but whose life doesn't? I am not unique in that. I just need to channel the stress into positive energy and not put food in my mouth. Sometimes a person needs to be the change they want to see. You know a little of the if you believe you can make a difference you can.

Once Upon a Time...

2009-07-23T20:54:00.003-04:00

I used to handle all of my stress real, imaginary and that brought unto me by my own stupidity in the same manner; you guessed it by stuffing my face. It never really matters what it is that gets put into my face as long as it goes in and consumes my extra emotion. It never ceases to amaze me that once in a full blown tumble it is hard almost impossible to stop and right myself before too much damage is done. At this very posting I am trying to get back onto the right mind set and stop myself from falling any further. I am at that critical point where if I am not careful I will put back on a signifigant amount of weight. I have become complacent and arrogant and bored. I know I am capable of achieving what I set out to do I just haven't wanted to go there.

{L-A-Z-Y}

I have to search for creative ways to handle all the stress giving things in and around my world. I deserve so much more than I allow myself to have. I need to get back to putting aside some time everyday for myself. I need to believe I can indeed reach that goal. If truth is to be told [and I am trying to be truthful] I enjoy eating the right foods. I like not feeling guilty about the food I eat and the choices I make. I like feeling like I can do anything, go anywhere. I don't feel like a fatgirl anymore. I can allow myself to win.

Something Worth Posting

2009-06-15T07:23:00.002-04:00

Often I start a post and then change my mind. I was cleaning out my old Word documents and I found this one I never posted. I have reread it and I like it so I am posting it now.

So It’s Been A While…
I haven’t blogged in some time now. More than a few of you may be wondering what’s up with me and then again maybe not. I’d like to be candid with you but the truth is I am not certain what to say. I am in a funk. I have not felt like chatting up the general population.
It eats at my soul and won’t let me rest. I have fought my way to the top of the hill. I can see that more road lies ahead of me. I am weary. I won’t let me trust myself. I often say that everyone who lives has something to battle. I wish with all of my being that I was not addicted to food. When I am behaving and doing well there is nothing of this Earth that can compare to the rush that I feel; the downside is the crash. The crash is the thing that I am having the hardest time wrestling with lately. I hold myself in check not wanting to cross the finish line. Foolishly I hang onto the FAT GIRL I was. As if by putting that part of myself away I will stop being who I think I am.

Self-hatred is the most damaging thing there is. I hate myself for things that are intangible and only have meaning to me. There is nothing specific just some bullshit that I hold onto to.
A flame unattended will either flare up or burn out. So it is best to attend to that which makes you burn for the things you want to accomplish. I know that I started this journey with a small belief in myself. Slowly and with a lot of hard work belief in myself grew. I am hanging in there. Life, if you are wise enough to live it, is a great thing. For too many years in the recent past I didn’t live my life and I am sad to say that I was so deep into the feed the face thing that I missed out on most of my youth.

On this journey I have learned that I have staying power. I CAN do anything I set my mind too. I started on this path more than a year ago. In that time I have lost over 140 pounds. Sometimes I just forget all the things that I have gained from this trip.
I know that sounds odd but if you lose weight the right way you gain so much more from the drive. No price can be put on self-esteem or the pride I have in myself for adapting new ways of thinking and living. Sure I still get it wrong sometimes but I get it right way more often.

I Got One

2009-06-13T19:09:00.002-04:00

I found a dress. One I feel I can live with that hides most of my flaws. One battlefield conquered a few more fields to cross...like shoeland and cute little purseland. Oh Happy day.

Reconciliation

2009-06-05T17:58:00.003-04:00

Today I went dress shopping. Friends of ours are getting married July 4th. I thought that the chances of it being hot on that day might make a dress a good choice. Yeah....wrong. I went to Kohl's, Lane Bryant, Burlington Coat. While I am on the subject of shopping I got the look today. That look that heavy girls shoot out at women they believe shouldn't be in stores for "fat girls". I wasn't sure it was aimed at me until the second time it was sent my way followed by a digusted,"tsk,tsk,tsk." Odd for me to be on the other side of that fence.

I still have not reconciled myself to the fact that I do not like the way my body looks. I am disapponted. I am not heavy anymore. I exercise and yet my body is not pretty. I hate to look at myself without clothes. I hate trying to buy clothes that hide the empty skin that hangs. Mind you I don't have layers and layers of skin to camouflage but for real it makes me sad to look at the way I have left my vessel of beauty.

Deep under the layers of my fat lived a girlie girl. I wanted to move past the image I had of myself and embrace the true me; the beautiful one. Self-acceptance it seems is the longest journey of all.

Pain Along the Path

2009-05-08T13:40:00.004-04:00

Expectations...so hard to live up to, so hard to live with. Why do we tend to be hardest on ourselves? The person I see in the mirror is me and yet I expect to find someone else. Someone who has all of their shit together. I am disappointed. I have fallen out of love with my meeting and my leader. It takes a mental exercise to get myself to show up and participate. I feel like a change of meeting and leader might help a little.I don't know what I want to do. I have come so far and only have a short jump to the "finish line". This race is never over unless I give up and stop trying to run the race. I am trying to pick my ass up off the curb and drag my bones over to the finish line of one kind of race so I can move onto the start line for the next race.

I find myself thinking, "can I do this? do I want to keep doing this? why do I want to continue doing this?" I struggle more now that I am closer to goal than when I had 160 pounds to lose. Somehow I have lost faith in myself. I feel like a phony because I haven't been putting my best foot forward since August of 2008. My attitude needs to change. I need to change it. I know that I am the key to my success and no one (but me) can do what I NEED to do for me to be a success. I refuse to give up on myself, absolutely refuse.

I will make it to goal. I will make it to goal. I will make it to goal!

Me

2009-04-06T14:49:00.002-04:00

There is a song by Paula Cole called Me. It is a great song with wonderful thoughts about being one's own worst enemy and yet one's biggest cheerleader. The very first time I heard it I was drawn to it. I guess for me it rings very true. I am my worst enemy and I try to be my own cheerleader. Here are some of the words courtesy of some lyric site.

And it is me who is my enemy
Me who beats me up
Me who makes the monsters
Me who strips my confidence
I am carrying my voice
I am carrying my heart
I am carrying my rhythm
I am carrying my prayers
But you cant kill my spirit
Its soaring and its strong
Like a mountain
I go on and on

The thing that I finally realized after being a faithful WW for over two years, I am the one who makes my journey tough. I have had the answer the entire time. Just like Dorothy had to go to Oz to realize that there really is "no place like home". She had the key to her own happiness the whole time. We all do. Epiphany!! It is Me. I am solely responisble for my actions good and bad. I will make it to the goal I have set for myself. I find that I actually enjoy being good to myself. My future is mine to write as I wish. For now I am happy to be.

2009-04-05T20:27:00.002-04:00

This past week I tried something different. A galpal of mine suggested we walk during our morning coffee break instead of sittng and chatting and well eating... I am so glad I did it. I lost weight this week. I moved more and I felt great. I feel like I finally shook off winter. I found I was more alert while I sat at my desk. I ate less and slept better. I love when that happens.

I also made an honest effort at tracking my food activity. I was so great at that aspect before and then I got lazy and felt I could live without it. Surprise not true. I am one of those people who needs to account for all of the crap I put into my mouth or I will cheat. I do so much better when I am truthful with myself and I hold myself accountable for the things I do.

As Hubby Pointed Out...

2009-03-28T17:19:00.005-04:00

Don't you just hate when someone points something out to you that you just don't want to accept or deal with? I know it makes me angry. The real question to ask; why does it make me angry? Sometimes I don't want to look at my life or where I am or what I am doing, sometimes I just want to wallow in my own "hot mess". Hubby pointed out to me today that I have virtually abandoned this blog. He pointed this out because I was shopping backgrounds and he coolly stated,"Oh, that's nice but why bother you don't blog on there anymore." So I got mad; because he is correct as usual...a really annoying trait of his, by the way.

I picked a nice background in spite of hubby or to spite hubby. I haven't decided. I have been in a slump. I made my year -and-a-half as a WW when suddenly I lost steam or confidence or perseverance. I am not really sure what but I lost my twinkle. It is hard to hold onto anything so intangible. I have, to my credit, not quit and still go to meetings with my best gal pal, a friend, and my auntie. My attitude has just gone under a transformation. I have become lax and complacent. I have gained and lost the same twelve pounds since August.

I have just decided today, as a matter of record, that it is time to finish this song and dance. While I realize that a person is never done with a life style change. I need to finish this for me. I have been an overweight person since junior high. I used to cry myself to sleep because I thought I would never get to be the person I knew I was meant to be. I find myself on the threshold to success. I know who I am. I know what I want. I just need to believe I can get there. Fear is a double-edged sword, helpful and hurtful. In the right situation it can put your spidey sense into hyperdrive and keep you safe from harm but on the other hand it makes you hang back when the wind is pulling at your kite and you just know you can fly, if you just believe.

I don't want to be afraid of succeeding anymore. I have done the work, walked the path, and purged my demons. It is time to fly.

I will try to blog more often not just for you the occasional reader but for myself so I don't forget I have me and I am a power to reckon with.

My Doctor

2009-01-20T20:42:00.008-05:00

I went to my doctor the other day. He is pleased with my progress in the arena of maintenance. I have been able to stay the same or nearly the same weight since August. He doesn't even care if I lose one more pound! This from a man who I dreaded seeing four times a year. Yes, I said four times a year. I used to have to go every three to four months because I was so overweight. I had diabetes and high blood pressure and a million more little things that made me feel like crap every day. I am happy to report that my diabetes is gone. My blood pressure normal.

I would allow myself to get all worked up before each visit solely because he'd give me hell for not fixng my weight problem. I drove poor hubby crazy with my hemming and hawing about my hate of going to the doctor. I am still not a fan of going to the doctor but it is a necessary evil in life one must endure. If for no other reason than the people in your life need you to be healthy and happy, as much as possible.

I did not ask for a note to give to my WW leader. I have set a personal goal for myself that I know I can reach and one I hope to maintain also. My goal is more than WW wants me to weigh so eventually I will have to get a note from my doctor stating that he is ok with the number I have chosen to live by.

I could tell you if I lost weight this week, however; there was a snowstorm Sunday. My meeting was closed. I got up early, cleaned off my car, drove across the city and picked up my galpal Jadira. We went to Dunkins to get coffees. We got to our meeting place at the usual time, only to find out the meeting was closed. [Deep breaths] Damn I was not happy! Well, life goes on and I am sure that I will get to my meeting this week. Keep true to yourself...later.

Oh Yes I Can !

2008-12-29T16:20:00.005-05:00

Ok so yesterday I went to my meeting. I was so sure that I had gained upwards of 5 pounds. The reality, a half-pound ! So it just goes to show just how large a person can make nothing into something in their mind. It is time to get over myself and finish what I started.

Every year at the end of February, Shrek and I go away for a weekend. Shrek and his buddies attend a gaming convention;while I get to go shopping with my best galpal Jadira. I love this weekend because it helps to put the winter to bed. It also helps me to just breathe and relax. I would like to be at goal before our annual outing. An achieviable goal if I just put in the work.

I will be putting away some money every week that I show a weight loss. I would like to be able to buy some killer boots or a leather coat. I have never allowed myself to own a leather coat because I felt that at my LARGE size it was wrong.

I am not afraid anymore about what awaits me on the other side of the bridge. I have always been able to see the view from my vantage point. I was just never wise enough to believe that I belonged there. Never give up on the person you are meant to be. I think I was struggling so much because I let myself forget what I am worth. I will try from this point on not forget what I mean to the people in my life. Or forget what I mean to me.

Peace...

The Journey of My Life

2008-12-27T18:05:00.003-05:00

It is said that a journey of a thousand miles is begun with the first step. The thing is nobody ever warns you about the importance of that first step. Careful preliminary preparations need to be taken. Never leave on a journey without checking all of the details. Great planning makes for great times,usually. Did you ever notice how excited one gets right before vacation time comes? I always enjoy time outs from work but I notice that by the end of my time off I am exhausted. I need a vacation from my vacation.

I tried to finish my journey without ever relaxing, even just a little. I think I burned myself out on WW trying too hard to get to goal. I have stopped logging my foods. I have stopped planning. I have stopped checking labels. I have been pissed at myself. I laid down on the road and I haven't wanted to get off my ass and back up on my feet. Having said that...I am back on my feet. I might be a little unsteady for awhile but I am determined. Never give up on the person you are meant to be. I will win the day! The WW program works for me when I work with it.

"Tis The Season

2008-12-17T16:52:00.004-05:00

Happy Holidays? I have never been a big fan of this time of year. I have been on program for nearly two years now. I can honestly say that even though I have made great strides in many of the areas of my life, holidays are still my downfall. This year is no exception. I need to learn to be honest with myself and those around me about how inadequate I feel about family and the events we get invited to and the events that we don't get invited to.

I believe that in order for me to succeed I need to deal with the demons, habits, and laziness I have been relying on for most of my life. Lately I have been not following program as religiously as when I first started my journey. Not a surprise. Weight loss gets more difficult the closer you are to reaching goal. Why? The honest answer; I stop myself from succeeding. I am afraid. I am bored. I am angry. I am confused. I am not as motivated as I once was. The reason for my failure to launch; I have grown complacent.

I never thought I would reach the day when I wish people would stop congratulating me on how well I am doing. UGH ! If only people had an idea about how imperfect I am or how poorly I have been doing. I have been overthinking and over analyzing everything in my life. Which leaves me feeling overwhelmed,which makes me feel like I am underachieving so I stress out and EAT!

WTF!!! Negative thinking gets a body nowhere but into trouble.

What have I learned? If I allow myself to continue to slide down the hill I will eat my way back to the blob I once was. Never give up on the person you are meant to be. I refuse to give up ! I will get to goal. I will...watch this blog for updates on my journey.

Struggling but Still Striving

2008-10-20T13:20:00.005-04:00

I started putting on pounds when I was a kid, maybe age 11 or 12 and I actively participated in this endeavor until I was 42 years old. I was a heavy teen and a heavy adult. I eat to put off dealing with issues I don't want to deal with. I am afraid of failing, yet I am afraid to succeed. I have not made it to goal because I am losing faith in myself. I don't want to be afraid anymore. I know I can do this. I am worth the success I have worked so hard to get. So why can't I grab that "brass ring"? I need to stop bitching about the things I don't have or can't do and instead celebrate what I have, what I've done, who I am.

I still struggle with my emotions. It is difficult for me not to eat when I am feeling overwhelmed or frustrated. I ate yesterday like I used to. Shame on me, I haven't forgotten how. I know I am in the midst of some emotional stresses that I am having a bitch of a time dealing with but I keep righting my canoe and I WILL finish this course and then start a new road. The Walk of Maintenance. It is time for me to accept responsibility for my life and the actions and decisions I make.

My kid sister who I love more than I can express here died in a car accident in 2004. I spent nearly the next three years in a deep depression and I ate and ate and ate. My parents clung to me with a vigor I've never experienced before. My mom was already in ill health and my dad's memory was beginning to fail. Still I ate. Things came to head for me February 2007. I knew I was nearly at the heaviest I had ever been. My quality of life was not good. I was having a hard time healing from a broken leg. I felt like my heart was going to explode and I was often short of breath. I thought about dying...I chose life. I came to my first WW meeting March 4, 2007.

No one escapes childhood without scars and anyone who tells you that they are just fine is lying to more than just themselves. I set high almost impossible life goals for myself to reach and then sank into a depression when none of my "dreams" came to fruition. Funny how even though I am an adult I can still reason with childlike innocence. I have set 10% goals along my way and now I am close to goal...success through careful planning and hard work...novel concept for me.

I was never given any life skills training when I was a kid. For real who can say that their parents or family gave them a handbook on "how to deal with all of the shit that will run downhill into your life?" Safe bet not many. Most people I am willing to bet raise their kids in the best way they know how and from they way they were raised.

I am the person I am because of the way I was raised, the environment I was exposed to and from (let's be honest) the choices and lack of choices I made for myself. No one thing makes you the person you are. It took me a stupid amount of time to like myself. I will never be the president of a college or run for VP of the US, but I like me foibles and all.

Success, my success as a WW has given me my life back. I now have a great quality of life. Gone is the shortness of breath and all of my various and sundry medications for diabetes and the like.
Most days I am happy to get out of bed and into my everyday life. I have purpose and meaning, just because I am alive. I know I am everything to someone and he deserves so much more than I can ever give him but he is happy to take what I offer. His belief in me never waivers. How fortunate I am. Love you dear hubby.

Never give up on the person you are meant to be.

At Last I Managed to Get My Head Out of My Ass

2008-10-05T15:24:00.004-04:00

OMG! It's October already. I came within a whisker of giving up on me...but I didn't and so I won't. I am so close to crossing into the "FREE" part of WW that I can ,excuse the pun, almost taste it.

The memory and ability issues of my dad are, in my opinion, not getting any better and he may indeed be slipping down hill. His overall health is great. He has memory recall issues.

Stress is a pisser isn't it? I am often frustrated by my dad. It is kind of like reasoning with a small child,which he isn't. I was feeling quite overwhelmed but I thought I had a good hold on my feelings. I was sure that even though I seemed to be reaching for comfort foods (stuffing my face) that I was in control and not feeding my feelings instead of dealing with all of my emotions. Once an addict always an addict...something I need to learn. I know I can't trust myself when I am stressed especially when there is gooey, sweet or crunchy,salty just waiting for me to come and hang out.

I have learned a lot about myself on this journey. I have put on 5 pounds in recent weeks and yes, I deserve each and every one of those little guys. It is so true that no one can lie to you like you can lie to yourself. I promised, I whined, I bargained, I pleaded with myself and anyone one who would bend me their ear my way that I was only taking a rest, enjoying a break. Horseshit is still horseshit even if it is covered in flowers. I was lying people, to you to myself. That won't happen again.

I went to WW this morning and weighed in and took my lumps. I have reassessed my points allowance, my efforts, and my goal weight. I still want to be 165 pounds. I know I can do this. I deserve this for me, for my health, for my family. I have worked hard. Now is no time to give up. I have finally managed to dislodge my head from my ass. I should be able to continue on my journey now and reach the end of the Brick Road and enter into theEmerald City.

I will make it. Never give up on the person you are meant to be...never.

Falling Down... Getting Back Up

2008-09-06T00:06:00.005-04:00

My mother used to say that it wasn't the fall that hurt you it was the sudden stop. Dear hubby and I have been on vacation this week. I am so happy that it is drawing to a close. I need to return to my life. We started our vacation by going to an old fashioned all- you- can- eat breakfast buffet. Let me say before I go any further that my hubby has been absolutely more than 100% supportive in my weight loss effort and is my biggest cheerleader.

We used to go to buffets all the time. We don't go that often now for obvious reasons. I know he had been wanting to go out for breakfast for sometime but hadn't really brought it up much because my not choosing to eat alot of the things at these buffets. Well I am not exactly sure why I gave into myself but give in I did and give in I have...all week!

I have fallen down. Food addiction is a serious thing. I am a food addict. I ALMOST allowed myself to forget that I can not be trusted around gooey, fattening, super delicious, bad for you goodies. I have eaten things this week that I didn't even want but lacked the balls to say NO ! I have fallen down and in the process have hurt myself. I have allowed negative feelings and thoughts to steer me into the path of impending doom.

I learned I can still slip and fall with the best of the showgirls. Now is the time to find out what I am really made of. I think the stress of success was getting to me and I was too busy trying not to deal with the issues in my head that doing well on program was causing to rise to the top of the brine.

I have spent so much time and effort on losing weight that I have spent zero time making a game plan for being at goal and maintaining a goal for the rest of my life. I got a bit lazy and a bit over-confident. Guess I am human after all. I am determined to finish the path I set out on.

I learned that nothing tastes as good as being healthy feels. I like me. I accept me, the whole of myself not just the "good" parts. I can forgive myself for being weak in the moment, for not making the best choices this week. I am moving on from this a wiser person. I refuse to give up on myself this time around. This time I am letting myself achieve a winning outcome. Never give up on the person you are meant to be; words I try to live by.

Determination

2008-08-30T18:44:00.005-04:00

Determination...the power to make up ones own mind to strive for a certain outcome. I was sure I could change my life if I could just find MY determination. As people we all form ideas about what is wrong and right for ourselves. I know in my life I have often made decision that not only turned out to be a bad ideas but also left me feeling insecure and unhappy.

I started WW in March 2007. I stumbled into that first meeting (this time around) with the same mind set I had gone to WW with before. Negative thoughts coupled with no determination and zero faith in myself. I cannot tell you what made this meeting a turning point for me. The leader was energetic and had personality. This meeting had coffee. This meeting had friendly members. The topic was about commitment and how determined you were to making a new way in life. It was the magic of all these components. Whatever it was I left that meeting with a new found belief in myself and in the program known as WW.

I will be the first one to tell you that losing weight, keeping a journal, believing I can do this has not been easy. It has however been worth every minute I have spent working on me. I feel so much more alive than I did a year ago. Tonight I walked a mile around the track at the college up the road from where I live. I am able to wear "normal sized" clothing. I actually bought not one but two bathing suits "off the rack" this summer. I could never do that before!

I have found MY determination. I hope I never lose sight of it again. Never give up on the person you are meant to be. I hope you find YOUR determination.

It's Always Something...

2008-08-17T16:20:00.003-04:00

There is this woman at my WW meeting, Jean, who always says that when you are doing well the meeting needs you but when you are struggling you need the meeting. I used to kind of laugh that off but I am finding that statement to be very true lately. I have worked very hard to get where I am. I worked my way down the scale with little 10% increments and I try never to lose faith in myself. In the past time and again I've sold myself short and have given up on myself. I lose sight of where I have come from. Not this time...I refuse to give up !

Truth be told lately I want to give up. I want to put down my burdens and just rest. My hubby is very supportive and won't let me give up on myself. I think sometimes I don't give him enough credit for being the great guy he is. He has unwavering faith in what I can do. He never shies away from telling me how much he loves me. He beams to whomever will listen just how proud he is of my efforts to change my eating habits. I am truly blessed.

I used to always joke that I would kill to be a happy medium. Now that I am a medium, I just need to learn how to be happy. I need to learn to appreciate what I have, who I am. I feel that is the secret to happiness, at least mine.

OMG !!! Awesome new food find

2008-08-11T11:58:00.004-04:00

So first let me preface what I am going to tell you with I can't say that I really enjoy food shopping. So imagine my surprise when I found something new and tasty and LOW in points!!!! Arnold's breads has a series of new breads out called sandwich thins! OMG! Super delicious! I purchased the multigrain ones. Check it out here!

I love the fact that they are round and perfect say for a hamburger or as toast. I will try to get the nutritional info on each and post them here later...

Steve's Pizzeria

2008-07-20T11:04:00.007-04:00

It has been about 16 months since I took that first leap of faith towards a healthier me. I have to admit that it has not been an easy road nor is my journey anywhere near to being done. Along my way I have been to many wonderful eateries and have met great people. It never stops catching me by surprise when the ordinary every day guy is helpful to me and my journey. I want to tell you about one of my favorite places to eat. I was unsure that I would ever be able to walk into a pizza place and order something that was good for me and filling.

In my journey I have been fortunate enough to find four great local pizza shops. Yes, I said four. In no particular order they are : Burncoat Pizza, Papa George's Pizza, Paradise Pizza and Steve's Pizzeria. I love each of these local spots for very different reasons.

Steve's is located at 337 West Boylston Street. In lovely West Boylston. This pizza shop is run by a bunch of truly madcap guys. I think a few females work the counter but I usually see the same guys on Friday nights. At Steve's you can get assorted grinders, fish and chips and other pizza shop fare. What they don't tell is is just how LARGE the large grinders are or did you know that they have beer on tap if you are old enough with ID ? I love this place. It has a small town feel to it. It reminds me of my hometown pizza place, except this place it so much better.
On my weight loss journey I have had to learn to ask for what I want. At Steve's after some trial and error (on my part not theirs) I found their house salad. Steve's has a wonderful house salad. Plenty of stuff in the lettuce not just lettuce. Pepperonchinis, olives, bell peppers, cuke slices, tomatoes, onion and a house dressing that I have to admit I LOVE LOVE LOVE. So much so I don't care what is in it. I top off this perfect creation with grilled chicken. The salad comes with a half pita that is fresh and soft and makes me want to buy stock in its bakery. Hubby loves the grinders...steak and cheese, chicken salad, Italian, chicken cutlet. Hubby thinks you should know that your are lucky indeed if you order fries as they come both regular and slightly spicy, depending on what they have on hand.

I'll have to take his word on this as I don't eat fries anymore as they can not be trusted not to settle on my hips and make me fluffy. Steve's is our Friday night. I find if we don't go my weekend feels off from norm. Stop in some time I promise you won't be disappointed. I have been able to manage my WW program quite nicely with a little help from my friends at Steve's. Thanks guys.

Birthday Time

2008-06-29T12:19:00.003-04:00

Shrek and I are on vacation this week. I always make hubby take this upcoming week off as I really hate working on my birthday. My week went really well this past week and it showed this morning at the scales. Down another 5 pounds...woo hoo ! I am also happy to report that for the very first time I managed to snag 2 swimsuits off the rack and didn't have to order from a catalog. I am actually looking forward to my birthday this year. I have never enjoyed my birthday, usually way to many expectations on my part.

I tend to be impatient with myself. It is a truism in that no one is as hard on you as you yourself. Today at meeting people were talking about how they have been struggling as of late. My heart goes out to each and every one of my friends. Struggle is part and parcel of this craptastic process, like it or not. I struggle with my wants and cravings on a daily basis. Now when I am eating something that I know was not a wise choice on my part I try to stop for a second (which in and of itself is a tough flipping thing to accomplish)and ask myself why and what am I doing.

Sometimes it helps sometimes it doesn't. Now I log my feelings down beside the food I felt that I couldn't pass up. I don't dwell on how I have strayed. I put my journal aside and I try to make the next moment, hour, day better. When I have moved beyond the issue that helped me to seek food as a comfort I go back and read. I try to learn what set me off. Accept, learn, move on.

This is a journey that nevers ends. Fear not for we are not alone on this journey and if you just reach out your hand, someone will surely reach back.

Slowing Down

2008-06-15T20:46:00.002-04:00

My weight loss has S-L-O-W-E-D D-O-W-N. Believe it or not I am happy about that. Now I feel like I can catch my breath and just maybe wear out some of my new panties. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever imagine that I would have to buy new underwear every few months.

As a Large Marge I was pretty much relegated to certain let's say granny panties but the new me can wear nicer,sexier under things and I just find that so cool. I am happy that my weight loss has slowed down. Now I can learn to enjoy the smaller me. It has been weird to see myself in a mirror. I never realized before just how small my frame is. I recently discovered that I , like most people, do indeed possess collarbones.

I was at my local Target store a week or so back and for the first time in a long, long time I purchased 2 very cute mini skorts. Skorts I say because well I am just not ready for just a skirt ! I don't think that the people I work with are ready to view that much of me if I forget and bend without thinking... the summer has great things in store for me I can just feel it.

This weekend up and coming I am going in search of a swim suit. Shrek and I have been invited to a BBQ on July 4th and I aim to be seen. No more hiding for me. I have worked hard and battled valiantly. It is my turn to be in the winner's circle. Watch out world I have arrived. I know I will make it to goal. Never give up on the person you are meant to be.

Where To Go From Here

2008-05-25T12:14:00.004-04:00

I don't know if I have shared my goal but it never hurts to say it out loud a few times. I think that helps me to own and embrace the number I have chosen; 165. It adds up to my favorite number...twelve. I am not exactly sure how I arrived at this number but I like it. It is ten pounds higher than where the WW peeps want me to be but this isn't really about what they want is it?

I have found in this journey that it worked better for me to set small "work on this for now kind of "goals than to set my goal at 165. I was starting at 319.6 pounds. The worst thing a person can do to themselves is set their mind into thinking about how far they have to go instead of how far they have already come. My mom used to tell me all the time that a journey only truly begins after that first step. It took me a long time to be ready for that first step.

The concept of me being inspiration for others is mind boggling but this is the way I look at it. If just one person reads my blog and my thoughts and feelings helps that one person to hung on one more day, one more meal,one more choice...it is more than worth it. I never spent much time dwelling on reaching goal. My plan lose 10% at a time. I have no more 10% losses left to attain. Only my goal awaits me now. As of this posting I have lost 137 pounds. 17.6 pounds is all that is left for me to conquer.

Never think that what you do can't make a difference. Every momemt, every experience has made me the person I am. I have accepted my short comings and I like me. Never give up on the person you are meant to be.

Oh you may be wondering where I plan on going from here. My short answer...out into my world to enjoy my life, my new confidence, to do whatever I can because I can.

Janie...

2008-05-23T18:54:00.006-04:00

This post is a shout out for my WW leader. Her name is Janie. She is a small slip of a woman but can she pack a punch. I joined WW last March while Janie was doing duty as receptionist. Sometime last summer she took over as leader so the current leader could have Sundays off. I have to admit at first I was very hesitant about Janie's ability to take over. Not because of anything she lacked but because of my expectations as to what a leader is supposed to be.

I am happy to tell you that I was wrong. Janie is a great leader. She has unbridled enthusiasm for her people and her subject. She really wants you to succeed. Her lectures have been in my experience enlightening, informative and well just plain fun. She isn't afraid to play dress up or talk about tough subjects. She is always willing to stay after and chat about whatever it is that may be stunting your efforts at weight loss. She offers of herself and to me that is the most important of leader traits. She is involved so you can evolve.

Janie will be leaving as my leader sometime in June for bigger and better things in her life. I will miss you Janie. All my best wishes for you and yours...

Tough Choices

2008-05-20T16:38:00.006-04:00

Sometimes life becomes too much of a routine. People do the same things day in and day out. They meet the same people, eat the same lunch as the day before, wear the same outfits...over and over like a bad movie. I have to say that sometimes I feel like Bill Murray in "Groundhog Day" almost like whatever I do just doesn't make a difference that I am stuck in the same groove of routine from the previous day.

I have been in the same job for 26 years...ZOWIE. I feel boxed in like there is nothing more for me to learn or enjoy at my job. The time is drawing near for me to unfurl my wings and see if I can fly. Some time back I went to school. I made the Presidents List. I graduated a year ago. I didn't look for a job in my field because of family commitments. Readers of this blog will know all about what I am referring to. For those of you who may have just stumbled across this blog, let me explain. Last year my mom passed away the week before I graduated from school. My dad was ill with some sort of illness related to his arthritis and I didn't get to put my resume out and about town because I am all my dad has. He has always stood by me in life and I just couldn't let him down.

Now what ? I have never been in so much distress over what I should do. I need to look for a new job not because I have to but because I need to. The people I work with are to accustomed to who they think I am. I don't know if any of you in blogland can understand how agonizing it is to be smarter than your job. I want to be that new girl at work. I want to feel nervous excitement again. The thrill of a mental challenge. I never believed in my abilities before. I am intelligent. I have value. I can contribute in ways yet untapped.

Weight loss has given me the faith in myself I once lost and so much more. My weight loss journey is coming to a close but I feel my life journey is about to turn in a different direction. I just have to take the chance. Believe,just believe. I know there is so much more out there for me to discover, to do, to be.

For My Mom

2008-05-07T18:48:00.004-04:00

This post is for my mom.

Mother's Day is fast approaching and yup, I miss you. Since you passed Dad and I have learned to lean on each other. He really is a great guy. You chose well. Please know that he is well and I am doing my best to keep him healthy and happy. He misses you.

Casey girl misses you too. She starts barking at me as soon as my car pulls into the drive. She follows me around the house and hounds me for lovies. Casey's last birdie died shortly after you did. We went to the local pet shop and bought her two new parakeets. Dad and I named them Pops and Junie. Casey watches over them like they were her babies. I know you would just laugh to she her carry on with them.

I have stayed on my weight loss program just like I promised you I would. It hasn't always been easy but it has changed me in ways I cannot tell you. I am almost at goal. You would be so happy. This sure wasn't the way I envisioned wishing you a Happy Mother's Day. My truest wish for you is that wherever your soul flies you are happy, healthy, free and unfettered. 'Til we see each other again...love you.

Odd But True

2008-05-02T21:14:00.004-04:00

I used to joke that I would give almost anything to be a happy medium. Odd but true I am a medium in most things I chose to wear that have that sort of size formula in place. If I could only learn to be happy. Perhaps it is not myself that needs to be happy and at peace it is those around me. Today once again someone I know only on the smallest of levels told me to stop dieting and actually asked me if I am ill !?! I have been trying to learn how to say thank you to people who say nice things to me about my efforts but I have to admit I had no idea what to say to this woman.

People say the weirdest stuff to me about what I am doing. Sometimes I really have to bite my tongue and just smile because really there is no response to accurately match the thoughts that storm my soul. I wish people could just relax around me. While I am on the subject why do people have the hardest time with the fact that I have changed? I am indeed different in many ways, yet I AM THE SAME. I still laugh at the same stupid things I laughed at before, I still hate the same things I disliked about life before. The thing that has changed is I have finally figured out that I don't have to accept less for myself than what I want or deserve. What's changed is I have finally learned what I am worth to the one that it matters most to...me.

Great things await discovery.

The Stress of Success

2008-04-27T19:10:00.003-04:00

The stress of success. Not a topic readily discussed at WW. Perhaps people don't want to talk about such a thing but I do. I need to. I drive Shrek crazy with my uneasiness. As I have lost weight I have found myself floating in clothing that once choked me. At first that feeling is exhilarating but with time feelings of anger and fear and frustration also come. Nobody has told me how to deal with these emotions. I am in this boat with one oar, completely lost but I paddle on. I have gone on diets before and I have always jumped ship just as the horizon became visible in the distance. This time is different.

The difference is I want to reach that horizon. Why the fear? Why be frustrated and angry? I guess I didn't realize how much was involved with losing weight. I was so happy to be doing well that I didn't stop to think about how I would feel about needing to have smaller things to wear like every six weeks. Maybe what I really feel is overwhelmed. Currently I own more clothing that is too large for me to comfortably wear than things that fit.Thank goodness for friends and well meaning people who have come to my rescue with encouragement and clothing. I am ever so fortunate to have Shrek who keeps me calm and who is so much kinder to me than I am to myself. He is my rock. He chuckles at me when I get whiny about having to go out and buy new intimates once again. As he points out it is a bonus for him if I go without underwear...LOL.

As of this posting I have lost 133.8 pounds. I have just about 21 pounds left before I reach shore,let out my anchor and settle in. It will be nice to be in maintenance. To stay the same for an extended time and have time to adjust to the new me.

Where Everybody Knows Our Name

2008-03-31T17:07:00.003-04:00

Shrek and I live in Worcester, Massachusetts. We have an assortment of restaurants just like most other cities. What makes a restaurant a favorite stopping place? The neighborhood place to go, the watering hole of choice? I can't answer for everyone else only myself. It is many factors. Quality and variety along with quantity of dish offered and decent prices make my top ten. Most importantly though is what I call the "it" factor. Most places Shrek and I go just don't have their finger on "it". The thing that makes their place The Place. The "it" is involvement with your clientele. Be in touch with what they need and want, success will follow. Joey's Bar and Grill located at 242 Mill Street in Worcester has "it". Everybody at Joey's knows our names. From the night hostess to the kitchen staff and waitresses.

Shrek and I frequent Joey's every week. Thursday nights to be exact. Our seating of choice; the bar. A favorite of mine to chat with the bar keep and watch the assortment of folks enter in search of a good nosh and some atmosphere. On Thursdays our bartender is Erika. She always greets Shrek and me by name and learned our bar orders by our second visit. She is very pleasant and an easy conversationalist.

I started my weight loss journey with the idea that I would have to give up things in order to achieve my goals. I was positive going out to restaurants was one of those things I would have to learn to live without. I couldn’t have been more mistaken. Could I order a salad with my meal instead of fries? Would it be okay to order the Joey's favorite salad with romaine lettuce instead of iceberg? Would it be possible to have honey mustard instead of mayo on my grilled chicken sandwich? I asked fully expecting to be told no. Sure thing was the first response with a smile. I asked for and got what I wanted. How cool. A restaurant willing to go the extra mile to make me a return customer. I have been returning ever since.

I look forward to going out to eat at Joey's every week. I feel that Joey's helps me to stay focused and on track. I have learned to have ordering confidence here, to be comfortable with asking if I can make a substitution because I need a healthier choice. Thank you for making me feel like I am your first priority.

Name Change... I think I have earned it.

2008-03-29T17:12:00.004-04:00

To keep up with current events in my life I have tweaked the title page a little. I will still refer to this as Large Marge Chronicles. I feel funny calling myself Large Marge now because well ,while my attitude is larger than life my pant size is not. That just sounds so cool. It amazes me to no end that I have come this far. I must make sure that I stay focused and not get lost or caught up in the euphoria of success. There is still quite a way for me to go before I reach goal. Sometimes it is tough for me not to get ahead of myself. I forget what it is that I am trying to accomplish.

Looking Ahead to Goal

2008-03-23T19:36:00.003-04:00

In all the time that I have been posting about my weight loss journey I have never talked about failing. How I would write about and handle it never crossed my thoughts. I am in no way, shape or form perfect. I am human with realtime emotions that sometimes betray me. I worry. All the time. It is one of my traits that I despise but I have come to accept it as a part of what makes the bigger picture of me work. All the while I have been authoring this blog I have worried. Worried that someone would think that I have found the secret path to skinnyland and that I would make it unscathed. Surprise ! Not true. I stumble. I fall. Sometimes I come dangerously close to throwing my hands up in the air, declaring myself finished with WW and eating an entire bucket of extra crispy!!! I think about failing on purpose. I believe that if I allow myself to fail it could mean the end of my life.

Failing is not what I really want. I find that every single time I am not completely honest with myself about how I feel or how someone or a situatuion makes me feel I overeat. I guess I haven't spent much time discussing failure because I don't want to fail. I promised myself that this time was for me. That this time around it would be the last time for me. I try to have fun along my way. Sometimes I let my emotions and daily problems eat at me and so in turn I eat. To my credit I right my canoe and paddle on.

I worry that my journey has changed me in ways that I am not ready for. I worry somehow I am not going to be able to maintain my weight loss or that my hubby will suddenly not love me anymore because I am not the same girl he married. My mother used to say that I could "what if" myself to death...I drive myself crazy. I can only imagine what effect I have on others.

It is tough being honest with myself. I have not been ready to move toward goal. I have been afraid of the unknown factor...me. Can I do it? Do I want to do it? I haven't been in normal sizes since I was fifteen years old. I need to teach myself to relax. I am so used to letting myself down that I don't know how to accept that I have picked myself up. I have reached the critical part of my journey, the part where I live happily ever after if I will just let myself get there. I find myself uncertain as to how to proceed. I am guessing by putting one foot in front of the other until I am there.

The Last Stretch of Road

2008-03-22T23:38:00.002-04:00

I find myself along that last stretch of road. I feel like I am running the Boston Marathon and heartbreak hill rolls out in front of me. The wind is blowing in my face instead of at my back and I must tell you that I am very tired. I am at that point; do I press on, push myself to go on and finish the race or do I pull over and catch my breath?

I have struggled all week with this. I need to be at maintenance. I am getting nervous about the "losing points"to keep losing weight concept. As it is right now I am hungry and let me tell you there just are not that many one point food items in the world. I have no idea how I am going to make it over that next rise in the road but I will not give up. I will make my goal ! I do not care how long it takes me. I will make it. So tighten those seatbelts and keep your hands inside the ride!

Forgive, move on

2008-03-15T20:57:00.007-04:00

I did something this past week that I was sure I would never be able to do...I forgave someone who hurt me to my core. It was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. I wanted to hang onto this hatred. Real bright idea, right? I am sure you know, my anger and resentment sat on my soul like an elephant in high heels. I lied to myself about how comfortable I was with this elephant stepping all over my soul. It is always easier to believe a lie you tell yourself, if you just repeat the lie enough. I was doing fine...but it was starting to keep me up at night. I would toss and turn as that damned elephant's heels would poke me in the ribs or jab me in the head or maybe that is why my butt hurts me. It is not from weight loss but from that stupid pachyderm.

I like to think that my parents did a decent job raising me. I am a good person. I have been through a lot in my life (and really who hasn't?). Listen, if life didn't throw rocks at you you wouldn't learn to catch or field. I made a promise to myself that I would actively work on the issues that fueled my need to feed. I feel that to date I have been doing a fairly decent job of it. I want to continue on my journey without unnecessary burdens. I needed to make peace with this issue and the person who I was angry with before I found myself using food to cope with the stress.

Never forget that when you say something or you do something to someone the incident may become muted with time and the words may lose their power but how you made that person feel never goes away. A paraphrase from Maya Angelou...thank you Miss Angelou. I needed to find a place within myself to forget how small and damaged this person made me feel. It is amazing how in the span of a few words a person can either build you up or shred you. I hung onto my anger in the hope that someday I could return "the favor" and make this same person feel as small and as damaged as she had made me feel. Funny but it seems that life did that for me.

Never for a moment assume that you know someone else's pain because you don't.

I am handling the situation in the best way I can. I sort of spoke my piece to this person and as of now we are at peace. Only time will lead this story to its ultimate conclusion whatever that may be. Learn by example. Forgive, move on...that's what my mom would have done. I am learning.

My Posse?

2008-03-09T20:27:00.003-04:00

Just thought I'd drop a couple of lines about the growth of my posse at WW. It seems that more than a few people I know have decided to join WW. Yippee!! Not-so-LargeMarge jumping up and down!!! Most of these peeps also go to the same meeting I attend. On some levels it is so flippin' cool that I have inspired a few folks to take positive action to change their destiny. On other levels I have never felt so uncomfortable and sort of unnerved.

I still stumble. I even fall but don't we all? I am just done with failing. I am fighting harder to win. I am working on being proactive instead of reactive. I am learning to do other things with the emotions that helped me to become the LargeMarge I once pushed around. I am the only one who made me fat. The only person who ever "force fed" me was...? yeah, that would be me. I think that somewhere along this journey I figured out that I needed to accept responsibility for my bad choices.

Don't misunderstand me... I just don't want to let anyone down; myself included. I am a little worried that you lovely folks, and I mean this in a positive way, think that I have all the answers. You would be categorically wrong! I hope that my success has given you enough faith in your OWN abilities to forge on and drop the pounds that keep you from being the best version of yourself. I gladly and willingly will assist in any way I can. Even if it is too just hold your hand and be as supportive as you have always been with me friend.

To those who have joined me, Welcome. The road is long and sometimes fraught with unknown dangers but fear not for we are not alone. We have each other and together we can do great things. Look forward to the challenges! They will make impressive stories for when we are old.

One Year

2008-03-03T15:14:00.002-05:00

I did it ! I managed to go to WW for a full year. In that time I have lost 122.6 pounds. I can proudly say that I have adopted a new way of thinking about food, about myself and about how I want to live. I am not always successful with my choices which shows at the scale. Now I try to learn from those experiences and think of them as stepping stones not as roadblocks. I used to be a very negative person and it showed itself in my appearance.

I have taught myself to stop and think before I eat something. I ask myself am I feeding myself or am I feeding a feeling. I am an emotional eater. A trick I learned from my mother. I never allowed myself to entertain the thought that I could learn to not self medicate with food. Thinking about that now I realize that I never gave myself a chance. I gave up running the race before I left the starting block.

Why me? my favorite cry. Why me? Why me? Well, why NOT me? It is mind boggling to me that I spent so much time talking bad about myself to myself. I don't know if I think it is more amusing to me or saddening that I used to believe all the crap I told myself. If I had only learned my worth earlier in life. Then again if I hadn't been on this journey I might not have learned so much about myself. I am a power to be reckoned with. I can achieve great things if I am willing to put in the time and effort to attain the things I want. I proved this to myself. The possibilties are endless. Just believe.

I have not told my leader yet but I think I want my lifetime goal to be 165 pounds. I will have to get a note from my doctor as this weight is a good 10 pounds heavier than WW wants me to maintain but I am not a 20's something anymore and hubby loves me just as I am. I have no need to be a hard body I just wish to be comfortable in my own skin.

Fat Girl Jumping !!!

2008-02-11T16:28:00.000-05:00

Shrek and I bowl on a summer candelpin league. I used to make this little funny visual about jumping up and down whenever I would land a strike (once) or a spare (a few times). I would stand in place, scrunch down a bit at the waist and then quickly thrust my hands over my head and yell, " Yeah! fat girl jumping!!" all the while never actually lifting off the floor. It dawned on me this Sunday at my WW meeting that I won't be able to make this funny anymore. I have finally made it out of the 200's! I think it is fair to say I fall into a different category now not sexy perhaps but definately not fat girl anymore!

I have not as yet set my goal at WW. When I started my task seemed so improbable. Now I feel confident that I can complete my journey. Once upon a time I had something like 160 pounds to lose, now I have approximately 40 pounds; my task is no easier. In order to keep succeeding I can never stop working on me. Life changes and challenges you every day, so I say BRING IT ON! Never give up on the person you are meant to be.

The Subject of Tomorrow

2008-02-05T21:03:00.000-05:00

It used to be that I couldn't wait for tomorrow. The close of each day meant a new beginning...tomorrow. Tomorrow always brought me hope one more chance to get things right; my diet, my checkbook, my love life. I used to take tomorrow for granted. It will always be there, tomorrow. How could I have been so wrong?

All of my tomorrows changed May 15, 2004 with the passing of my kid sister. We had been through hell and back, her and I. Survivors, best friends, and sisters. We lived our lives in the best way we knew how. Thinking back there were days, memories now, we tried like hell to hold on to…that first kiss from a boy, Christmas mornings, birthdays…now only my secrets, my lies, and my truths remain. We can’t share “remember when” anymore. I wait for tomorrow uncertain of what awaits. Gone is that level of nervous excitement, replaced with the knowledge that all of my tomorrows are mirrored repeats of the days gone by since she passed.

How does a lifetime disappear in the flash of a moment? What were her last thoughts? Questions that can never be answered haunt me. We had just spoken at 5:40 p.m. the night before, how could she be dead? It just couldn’t be true. I awaken. It is still dark enough in my room that for a moment I am not sure I am alone. In my haze I call out, “Breny?” There will be no answer and that makes me sad. My pillow is wet from the tears I shed in my sleep. Quietly I slip out of bed and make my way into the darkness of the living room. Another night I don’t sleep. Sadness, tears, and memories keep me from sleeping.

She arrived February 6, 1967, and I was sure she belonged to me. How wonderful of my parents to have brought me a kid sister to play with! I don’t think I can remember a time when she wasn’t with me. I was the big sister. I took my job seriously. I taught her to read and write before she was in kindergarten. I protected her from school bullies. I taught her to ride a bike, climb trees, bake a cake, and play jacks.

She was the Ying to my Yang. We helped each other to survive childhood. We were more than sisters; we were friends. Breny used to say, “sisters by birth, friends by choice.” I often find myself wondering if she knows how much I miss her. I plod along, I try to find my way without her, and often I am afraid. My life will never be the same.

Tomorrow is her birthday...

A Woman's Angst

2008-02-05T10:27:00.000-05:00

Okay Clothing Gods what gives? Has it escaped your tiny little fashionista brains that the sizes you throw at woman are at best difficult to understand let alone navigate? Example; if you pick up a pair of mens jeans off the rack the label might read w33 L 30. This means that the waist is 33 inches and the inseam is 30 inches. A perfect fit if this happens to be your size. A womans size 30/32 means she is a qualified Larger Marge (at the end of size availibility) and there are no inches involved because clothing of this size usually just drapes the wearer.I used to wear this size so I know what I am talking about. I would lie about what I was wearing because I didn't want anyone to know just how much my girth had grown. Why is there no uniformitty for womens sizes? I am currently in 3 or 4 different sizes yet when you hold them up to each other they are all about the same so why...I mean I like mens jeans but I should be able to buy my own size in girl clothes right off the rack and not have to spend half of my Saturday off from work trying on every flipping pair in the store to find the ONE that will fit just the way I want!

People wonder why women/girls have such a hard time with body image.

Sundays

2008-01-27T10:14:00.000-05:00

Sundays...so many things about Sundays that I never used to enjoy. The end of my weekend. The return to routine. Sleeping late and then feeling like I had to race around all day just to get things done for the upcoming week. It used to take me the entire weekend to recuperate from a week's worth of working. Pretty sad, right? This time last year I had not made my choice to grab my life back. I weighed 319.6 pounds. I felt like crap. In all honesty I was an accident waiting to happen. A stroke or a heart attack sat lurking in the shadows.

Funny thing about me...when I am upset I cry in the shower. I cry there because dear sweet Shrek is certain that it is his sole responsibility to make me happy, to see to all my needs. I cry in the shower so he can't feel my pain. I dug the hole I crawled into with food. I taught myself to soothe my ego with Twinkies . If I was ever going to dig out of that food hole, I had to do for me, my way, by myself. Shrek couldn't do this for me.

Along came Jadi. She approached me last year about joining Weight Watchers. She has only ever known me overweight. She was interested in losing some lingering after baby weight and she had heard my gripes about my size and other concerns for awhile. I am sure that I paid her some lip service that I thought she wanted to hear. I had no intention of joining WW. I had gone that road before and after losing a generous amount of weight I always put back whatever I had struggled to lose and then some.

Along came Sunday. It was the last Sunday that free registration was being offered at WW until summer. The date, March 4, 2007. As I recall the evening before Jadi called me and asked me if I was going in the morning. Oh, she was calling my bluff! I hemmed. I hawed. I asked her to check online about meetings and times. I made the decision to go to the very first meeting the next day, Sunday, so I could go waste $12 and tell myself that I at least made the attempt at changing my life. I promised to pick her up...I sealed the deal. I would be there.

It was the Sunday that changed my life. I can't recall now what was said at that first meeting. I only remember that I left there thinking that this was the time. This time it would be different. I would be different. I left thinking that my possibilities were endless.

Sundays...so many things about Sundays that I enjoy. So many things to look forward to. I plan my weekends around Sundays now. If Shrek and I are going out Saturday night my first questions, "will I be able to get to my meeting in the morning? should I call Jadi and make alternate plans to go Monday?" Most every Sunday after I pick up Jadi, we travel to our neighborhood Dunkin' Donuts to secure the Elixir of the Gods before we journey down the street and go to our meeting. There are two very nice Albanian ladies that work at our coffee stop. Without fail every week they ask us if we will be having donuts with our "juice" and they can't help but break into big smiles for they already know the answer to their query, " no, thank you, way too many points ." Better luck next time...

At our meeting there are people I can't wait to see...not for the success or failure of their week but for their smiles and attitude and acceptance. I look forward to Sunday because of them. We are all on the same journey. They renew my soul and help me to stay on track so I can reach my goals. Sundays...

Following the Yellow Brick Road

2008-01-20T11:27:00.000-05:00

Being on a weight loss journey is a lot like following the Yellow Brick Road. When I started out I was uncertain of my footing and not quite sure where the road would lead. What are the risks? Should I pack extra goodies or will the road provide for me? Do I have the Stuff to make it to the Emerald City...the Promised Land?

In The Wizard of Oz when Dorothy and her pals emerge from the dark forest this little ditty plays"You're out of the woods, You're out of the dark, You're out of the night.Step into the sun, Step into the light.Keep straight ahead for the most glorious place On the Face of the Earth or the sky.Hold onto your breath, Hold onto your heart, Hold onto your hope.March up to the gate and bid it open. It is called the Optimistic Voices track. This song has been playing in my head ever since I started writing this blog. I am ready to march up to the gate...and bid it open.

It is okay to grasp the fate that awaits you. I work on my goals and myself everyday . I feel so much more alive than I have in a long, long time. I had an idea of improving my quality of life. I took that idea, I believed in myself and I joined WW. I have always tried to maintain an optimistic approach to losing weight. I have tried anger and negativity in my lifetime and all it has ever given me in return is misery times two.

Along my road I have met such wonderful and caring people. I have forged new friendships. I have grown as a human being; I am a better person from this experience. The trip has been worth every painful, exciting, tense,moment. I learned that I do have the Stuff to make the journey.

As of this posting I have lost 118.4 pounds. I no longer fight for breath. I have a giant selection of clothing stores I can now shop from. I fit in booths at restaurants. I have turned my life around for the better because I AM WORTH IT AND I DESERVE TO BE HAPPY. Never stop believing in the person you are meant to be.

Hope is but a spark of a dream not yet realized. Guard this spark with care for it will become the Flame that lights your life.

The Lightness of Being

2007-12-28T14:03:00.000-05:00

I know strange title,eh?

Every year Shrek and I have time off from work the week of Christmas. We don't do much except catch up on sleep and be married people, if you catch my drift. I think it is the best vacation we take together all year. This year I told Shrek that I wanted to take a week off from WW and the whole being good for a better me. When you go to WW they give you a free pass that you can use any time you need a break from the scale. I had my plan in place...

Starting with Christmas eve I was going to eat whatever I wanted when I wanted and as much of it as I wanted. When weigh-in loomed I would present my coupon for a free ride.The plan was to rejoin program completely guilt free and continue on my merry way to goal. Funny thing happened though. Christmas eve Shrek and I ventured out and secured our meals. In truth I ate everything I ordered just as planned. I hardly slept. I was so crappin' thirsty. My head hurt, my tummy hurt and I felt like I was in a fog. Weird, right?

We were up early for Christmas Day. I ate my regular WW breakfast. After coffee I went to pick up my dad. We, meaning Shrek and I and Dad, had a date with Shrek's mommy for dinner. We had a lovely meal of scalloped potatoes, peas, carrots, corn, ham and for dessert Jubilee Roll from Friendly's. All went well and the food was plentiful and filling. I must confess I ate a few things I shouldn't have but it was a holiday.

Our whole holiday was wrapped up before 5 pm. On our way home from my dad's place I told Shrek that I just didn't have the chops to eat all that crap food anymore. I didn't last a whole week at eating whatever I want, when I want, for as long as I want and I couldn't be happier.

I forgot just how bogged down overeating made me feel. My 28 hour excursion made me realize how much better off I am. I feel so energetic and happy when I eat what I am supposed to. I have been back on my WW program since Christmas night. I look forward to whatever comes next. I know my days as a Large Marge are numbered.

Merry Christmas ?

2007-12-23T15:20:00.000-05:00

Funny as I sit here in my livingroom I can't belive that it will be Christmas in just two days. I went out yesterday with my dad. I started and finished my holiday shopping. Not something I would recommend by the way. All of the people in my life are at the stage of age where giftcards go so much farther than some silly gift. It is sad really. I like to know my gift receivers well enough that I can purchase them a cool, nobody else thought about that item. I enjoy being the "cool" gift giver.

I went to WW this morning. I am down 3.8 pounds this week for a grand total of 111.6 pounds. Today we talked about reflecting. How have we changed from this time last year. What have we learned about ourselves on this journey. What do we want for the future. All very good questions I think.

This time last year I weighed 325 pounds and I felt like my heart was going to explode,literally. I was depressed and often I felt hopeless. It is the truth. Human we all are. This Christmas I weigh 208 pounds. I have learned so much about myself. It is okay not to have the answer and ask for help. It is good to have friends that love and support you. I learned that I am truly lucky to have found Shrek and that he continues to love and support me come what may. I have learned that I am a force. I can lose weight,especially when I believe in me. I have learned that I enjoy exercise.

I have renewed faith in myself and hope for a bright future. I now feel confidence in myself and I am planning a vacation. One in which I will have to walk around to see the sites! I know I will make goal, someday.

I wish you all a Merry Christmas and a bright, hope filled New Year.

The Outskirts of Town

2007-12-12T20:55:00.000-05:00

No doubt if you have been reading this blog or my other blog you have heard me mention "The Land Of Normal Sizes". I am at the gate just at the outskirts of town. Any time now the drawbridge will lower and the gate keeper will throw open the doors and welcome me in.

My quest has been long and dirty and fraught with danger. On more than a few occasions the road has become difficult and thoughts of abandoning my best efforts have plagued me. I think I now know how the lonely marathon runner feels at mile twenty-three way after everyone else has finished the race and even the TV guys have closed up shop. Where is that finish line? What was I thinking? How do I keep going? The answers come to me if I just reach for them. Stay the course. You can't get to town if you stop moving. Keep your goals in mind...food for your soul.

I am just an ordinary girl who had an extraordinary amount of weight to lose. I have no answers, really. I just know that I have no interest in returning to the "Land of Can't Move Out of My Own Way".

I am very fortunate. I have a WW buddy, Jadi. I would not have made it this far without her. Most every Sunday I drive from my house to shake my friend free from her abode, which is crowded with four wee-sized people and her boyfriend. I look forward to the hour-and-a-half we spend together. It is our time to slip away from the things that haunt us. The problems we can't resolve. We get coffee, we gossip, we laugh, we focus on ourselves for that glorious time.

The Holidays

2007-11-19T22:12:00.000-05:00

It has taken me nearly all of my adult life to realize that holidays are not about THE FOOD. It is about the people in your life or the absence of those people. I used to gorge myself on the morsels of holiday fare foolishly thinking I would stumble across the "right" combination and I would feel satisfied, full. The happiness I have so long sought, I have always had. I just never realized it before. I mistakenly linked happiness of self with the food it is so often coupled with.

I remember my family life in those holiday foods. How loved I felt, how accepted and wanted I truly was. Sometimes in the process of growing up we forget the things we know about ourselves.

The holidays should be a time of catching up on lives, connecting with a loved one you haven't seen since the last high holidays, enjoying the people in your life even if they tend to get on your last nerve.

This year I am without my mother, sadly she passed away this summer. This year feels strange almost non-holiday like. My older sister has arrived from upstate NY and will be with dad and I but it's just not the same anymore...

Don't forget to tell them that you love them while they can still hear you. Get that hug before you leave. Make a memory to span the ages. Love them for who they are not what you want them to be...enjoy the moments they give you.

I wish you all the happiness of the holidays. May you know just how loved your really are.

YES !

2007-11-10T08:40:00.000-05:00

Today marks the day that I have broken my personal best record! I have now officially lost 101.6 pounds! I wish with all of my heart that I could tell my mom and my kidsister that I have climbed my own Everest. It sort of makes me sad that I was never able to pull my head out of my ass when I was younger. I think it is true what people say about getting older. You do come into your own. I have never been so happy just being me.

I have beauty. The beauty of knowing that whatever I dream can come my way if I work for it. It is possible to teach an old dog new tricks. I work very hard everday to change my bad habits. Anger and the negative emotions have always been my feedingfrenzy motivators. I try to actually deal with the whys of how I am feeling instead of "eat the feelings". It is not always easy to be honest with myself but it has helped me in ways to numerous to list here.

Not As I Appear

2007-10-21T21:17:00.000-04:00

I had a less than stellar day today. Not because I fell off the wagon and rolled down a hill and under some bushes, sorry but I stayed on track. I just woke up in a seriously vile mood. As I type this I have now lost 93.6 pounds. I have busted my hump to get here. I try everyday to start anew and to deal with my anger issues as they arise. I try to stay focused and positive and to THINK before I eat.

Sometimes I just want the ride to stop. My life is on a weird path at the moment. My mom recently passed away. My dad is in good health with a bad memory. My hubby is his usual self; I am different. I am changing. I don't know this newbie. I do not feel comfortable with the thoughts and feelings I am having now. I have spent the better part of my younger days as a Large Marge. I never worried about how nice clothing could be. I only ever worried about what it could hide, camouflage, or just about cover up.

Thoughts and feelings come rushing at me with such speed that my head spins. Do these pants match the shirt I want to wear? Do I have nice shoes? I sound more like my kid sister than I do myself. I should probably tell you that my kid sister passed away some three years ago in a car accident. Where ever her spirit rests she must be beside herself with joy over my new found girlie ways.

The new version of me has found nice clothes. I like to look nice. I want people to notice me in a good way, not a "damn is she fat" way. Very not me. I have lived my life being noticed because of my wit and smarts. Who is this alien woman I find living in my thoughts?

I have a new found confidence about my appearance. Something I've never had before. I am not sure how to handle myself. I find this new aspect both thrilling and scary. I am ever so nearer to "normal" sizes. When I started this trek I wore the huge end of the scale 26-30 +. Don't get me wrong those size ranges have a lot more color and style than they would have had in the 60's but I still looked like a furniture throw in most things.
I will not miss what they had to offer. I now buy jeans without an elastic waist. Something I haven't been able to do since I was a teenager. F'n Yippee!

Whatcha doin'?

2007-09-26T17:32:00.000-04:00

This crazy is my cat Pepper she is very curious and thinks that the blinking cursor is her toy. She was very interested in my ramblings yesterday and kept jumping on the coffee table for a closer look.

Joining the YWCA

2007-09-25T16:43:00.000-04:00

During my vacation earlier this month I joined the local chapter of the YWCA with Mrs. C , a friend from work. I felt that at this point in my journey it was time to spend some excess energy on something beneficial and fun. Since I don't have alot of extra cash I decided on a gym membership and not a trip to Macy's. I am now one of "those people", you know who I am talking about, the one person you know who enjoys going to the gym that actually works out. What has happened to me?

I find that I am becoming a different version of "the same ole" me. I look forward to going to the gym. At this juncture I only participate in water aerobics. Mrs. C brought a swim pass to work one day. The first class I took was through the courtesy of the Y. I think that Mrs. C was sure that I was all talk and no action. It took me almost two weeks to find my vintage swimsuits. I found two, both of which are from more than a few years ago and I was afraid that they would come apart at the first taste of water. I think I shocked the cheese out of Mrs. C the day I went to work and told her that I had indeed found my suits and that I was ready and rarin' to go.

Never be afraid to try something new. With that very thought coursing through my mind I drove to the Y that first night not knowing what to expect. Mrs. C walked me in and showed me around the locker room and introduced me to a couple of pool mates. After a quick shower and a change into my suit she showed me to the pool. Childhood memories of a near drowning(mine) came flooding into my thoughts, my stomach began to knot up. "You wanted to do this, so get over yourself and get in the flippin' pool!" We are always so kind to ourselves aren't we?

There were roughly 8 to 10 women of various sizes and ages in the water, warming up. "I can do this...it doesn't look so tough." Well they call it warm up for a reason. After about five minutes the real fun began. Bunny hops across the pool, football kicks, a move called cross-country ski. I learned something about myself; I can do water aerobics but you better be able to bring it because they don't fool around in class and they keep right on moving even if you can't.

I have a new found respect for Mrs. C.

[Fiona] Hey Hey

2007-09-23T18:57:00.000-04:00

Once upon a time there lived...okay okay no fairy tale just me...Fiona without Shrek. I made a post at my other blog about being a Large Marge. It won me attention I wasn't looking for. I have to admit that it sort of threw me but life is an odd journey. After a great deal of thought I have decided to chronicle my triumphs and tragedies along the way to the "Land of Normal Sizes."