Ok so yesterday I went to my meeting. I was so sure that I had gained upwards of 5 pounds. The reality, a half-pound ! So it just goes to show just how large a person can make nothing into something in their mind. It is time to get over myself and finish what I started.
Every year at the end of February, Shrek and I go away for a weekend. Shrek and his buddies attend a gaming convention;while I get to go shopping with my best galpal Jadira. I love this weekend because it helps to put the winter to bed. It also helps me to just breathe and relax. I would like to be at goal before our annual outing. An achieviable goal if I just put in the work.
I will be putting away some money every week that I show a weight loss. I would like to be able to buy some killer boots or a leather coat. I have never allowed myself to own a leather coat because I felt that at my LARGE size it was wrong.
I am not afraid anymore about what awaits me on the other side of the bridge. I have always been able to see the view from my vantage point. I was just never wise enough to believe that I belonged there. Never give up on the person you are meant to be. I think I was struggling so much because I let myself forget what I am worth. I will try from this point on not forget what I mean to the people in my life. Or forget what I mean to me.
Peace...
Monday, December 29, 2008
Saturday, December 27, 2008
The Journey of My Life
It is said that a journey of a thousand miles is begun with the first step. The thing is nobody ever warns you about the importance of that first step. Careful preliminary preparations need to be taken. Never leave on a journey without checking all of the details. Great planning makes for great times,usually. Did you ever notice how excited one gets right before vacation time comes? I always enjoy time outs from work but I notice that by the end of my time off I am exhausted. I need a vacation from my vacation.
I tried to finish my journey without ever relaxing, even just a little. I think I burned myself out on WW trying too hard to get to goal. I have stopped logging my foods. I have stopped planning. I have stopped checking labels. I have been pissed at myself. I laid down on the road and I haven't wanted to get off my ass and back up on my feet. Having said that...I am back on my feet. I might be a little unsteady for awhile but I am determined. Never give up on the person you are meant to be. I will win the day! The WW program works for me when I work with it.
I tried to finish my journey without ever relaxing, even just a little. I think I burned myself out on WW trying too hard to get to goal. I have stopped logging my foods. I have stopped planning. I have stopped checking labels. I have been pissed at myself. I laid down on the road and I haven't wanted to get off my ass and back up on my feet. Having said that...I am back on my feet. I might be a little unsteady for awhile but I am determined. Never give up on the person you are meant to be. I will win the day! The WW program works for me when I work with it.
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
"Tis The Season
Happy Holidays? I have never been a big fan of this time of year. I have been on program for nearly two years now. I can honestly say that even though I have made great strides in many of the areas of my life, holidays are still my downfall. This year is no exception. I need to learn to be honest with myself and those around me about how inadequate I feel about family and the events we get invited to and the events that we don't get invited to.
I believe that in order for me to succeed I need to deal with the demons, habits, and laziness I have been relying on for most of my life. Lately I have been not following program as religiously as when I first started my journey. Not a surprise. Weight loss gets more difficult the closer you are to reaching goal. Why? The honest answer; I stop myself from succeeding. I am afraid. I am bored. I am angry. I am confused. I am not as motivated as I once was. The reason for my failure to launch; I have grown complacent.
I never thought I would reach the day when I wish people would stop congratulating me on how well I am doing. UGH ! If only people had an idea about how imperfect I am or how poorly I have been doing. I have been overthinking and over analyzing everything in my life. Which leaves me feeling overwhelmed,which makes me feel like I am underachieving so I stress out and EAT!
WTF!!! Negative thinking gets a body nowhere but into trouble.
What have I learned? If I allow myself to continue to slide down the hill I will eat my way back to the blob I once was. Never give up on the person you are meant to be. I refuse to give up ! I will get to goal. I will...watch this blog for updates on my journey.
I believe that in order for me to succeed I need to deal with the demons, habits, and laziness I have been relying on for most of my life. Lately I have been not following program as religiously as when I first started my journey. Not a surprise. Weight loss gets more difficult the closer you are to reaching goal. Why? The honest answer; I stop myself from succeeding. I am afraid. I am bored. I am angry. I am confused. I am not as motivated as I once was. The reason for my failure to launch; I have grown complacent.
I never thought I would reach the day when I wish people would stop congratulating me on how well I am doing. UGH ! If only people had an idea about how imperfect I am or how poorly I have been doing. I have been overthinking and over analyzing everything in my life. Which leaves me feeling overwhelmed,which makes me feel like I am underachieving so I stress out and EAT!
WTF!!! Negative thinking gets a body nowhere but into trouble.
What have I learned? If I allow myself to continue to slide down the hill I will eat my way back to the blob I once was. Never give up on the person you are meant to be. I refuse to give up ! I will get to goal. I will...watch this blog for updates on my journey.
Monday, October 20, 2008
Struggling but Still Striving
I started putting on pounds when I was a kid, maybe age 11 or 12 and I actively participated in this endeavor until I was 42 years old. I was a heavy teen and a heavy adult. I eat to put off dealing with issues I don't want to deal with. I am afraid of failing, yet I am afraid to succeed. I have not made it to goal because I am losing faith in myself. I don't want to be afraid anymore. I know I can do this. I am worth the success I have worked so hard to get. So why can't I grab that "brass ring"? I need to stop bitching about the things I don't have or can't do and instead celebrate what I have, what I've done, who I am.
I still struggle with my emotions. It is difficult for me not to eat when I am feeling overwhelmed or frustrated. I ate yesterday like I used to. Shame on me, I haven't forgotten how. I know I am in the midst of some emotional stresses that I am having a bitch of a time dealing with but I keep righting my canoe and I WILL finish this course and then start a new road. The Walk of Maintenance. It is time for me to accept responsibility for my life and the actions and decisions I make.
My kid sister who I love more than I can express here died in a car accident in 2004. I spent nearly the next three years in a deep depression and I ate and ate and ate. My parents clung to me with a vigor I've never experienced before. My mom was already in ill health and my dad's memory was beginning to fail. Still I ate. Things came to head for me February 2007. I knew I was nearly at the heaviest I had ever been. My quality of life was not good. I was having a hard time healing from a broken leg. I felt like my heart was going to explode and I was often short of breath. I thought about dying...I chose life. I came to my first WW meeting March 4, 2007.
No one escapes childhood without scars and anyone who tells you that they are just fine is lying to more than just themselves. I set high almost impossible life goals for myself to reach and then sank into a depression when none of my "dreams" came to fruition. Funny how even though I am an adult I can still reason with childlike innocence. I have set 10% goals along my way and now I am close to goal...success through careful planning and hard work...novel concept for me.
I was never given any life skills training when I was a kid. For real who can say that their parents or family gave them a handbook on "how to deal with all of the shit that will run downhill into your life?" Safe bet not many. Most people I am willing to bet raise their kids in the best way they know how and from they way they were raised.
I am the person I am because of the way I was raised, the environment I was exposed to and from (let's be honest) the choices and lack of choices I made for myself. No one thing makes you the person you are. It took me a stupid amount of time to like myself. I will never be the president of a college or run for VP of the US, but I like me foibles and all.
Success, my success as a WW has given me my life back. I now have a great quality of life. Gone is the shortness of breath and all of my various and sundry medications for diabetes and the like.
Most days I am happy to get out of bed and into my everyday life. I have purpose and meaning, just because I am alive. I know I am everything to someone and he deserves so much more than I can ever give him but he is happy to take what I offer. His belief in me never waivers. How fortunate I am. Love you dear hubby.
Never give up on the person you are meant to be.
I still struggle with my emotions. It is difficult for me not to eat when I am feeling overwhelmed or frustrated. I ate yesterday like I used to. Shame on me, I haven't forgotten how. I know I am in the midst of some emotional stresses that I am having a bitch of a time dealing with but I keep righting my canoe and I WILL finish this course and then start a new road. The Walk of Maintenance. It is time for me to accept responsibility for my life and the actions and decisions I make.
My kid sister who I love more than I can express here died in a car accident in 2004. I spent nearly the next three years in a deep depression and I ate and ate and ate. My parents clung to me with a vigor I've never experienced before. My mom was already in ill health and my dad's memory was beginning to fail. Still I ate. Things came to head for me February 2007. I knew I was nearly at the heaviest I had ever been. My quality of life was not good. I was having a hard time healing from a broken leg. I felt like my heart was going to explode and I was often short of breath. I thought about dying...I chose life. I came to my first WW meeting March 4, 2007.
No one escapes childhood without scars and anyone who tells you that they are just fine is lying to more than just themselves. I set high almost impossible life goals for myself to reach and then sank into a depression when none of my "dreams" came to fruition. Funny how even though I am an adult I can still reason with childlike innocence. I have set 10% goals along my way and now I am close to goal...success through careful planning and hard work...novel concept for me.
I was never given any life skills training when I was a kid. For real who can say that their parents or family gave them a handbook on "how to deal with all of the shit that will run downhill into your life?" Safe bet not many. Most people I am willing to bet raise their kids in the best way they know how and from they way they were raised.
I am the person I am because of the way I was raised, the environment I was exposed to and from (let's be honest) the choices and lack of choices I made for myself. No one thing makes you the person you are. It took me a stupid amount of time to like myself. I will never be the president of a college or run for VP of the US, but I like me foibles and all.
Success, my success as a WW has given me my life back. I now have a great quality of life. Gone is the shortness of breath and all of my various and sundry medications for diabetes and the like.
Most days I am happy to get out of bed and into my everyday life. I have purpose and meaning, just because I am alive. I know I am everything to someone and he deserves so much more than I can ever give him but he is happy to take what I offer. His belief in me never waivers. How fortunate I am. Love you dear hubby.
Never give up on the person you are meant to be.
Sunday, October 5, 2008
At Last I Managed to Get My Head Out of My Ass
OMG! It's October already. I came within a whisker of giving up on me...but I didn't and so I won't. I am so close to crossing into the "FREE" part of WW that I can ,excuse the pun, almost taste it.
The memory and ability issues of my dad are, in my opinion, not getting any better and he may indeed be slipping down hill. His overall health is great. He has memory recall issues.
Stress is a pisser isn't it? I am often frustrated by my dad. It is kind of like reasoning with a small child,which he isn't. I was feeling quite overwhelmed but I thought I had a good hold on my feelings. I was sure that even though I seemed to be reaching for comfort foods (stuffing my face) that I was in control and not feeding my feelings instead of dealing with all of my emotions. Once an addict always an addict...something I need to learn. I know I can't trust myself when I am stressed especially when there is gooey, sweet or crunchy,salty just waiting for me to come and hang out.
I have learned a lot about myself on this journey. I have put on 5 pounds in recent weeks and yes, I deserve each and every one of those little guys. It is so true that no one can lie to you like you can lie to yourself. I promised, I whined, I bargained, I pleaded with myself and anyone one who would bend me their ear my way that I was only taking a rest, enjoying a break. Horseshit is still horseshit even if it is covered in flowers. I was lying people, to you to myself. That won't happen again.
I went to WW this morning and weighed in and took my lumps. I have reassessed my points allowance, my efforts, and my goal weight. I still want to be 165 pounds. I know I can do this. I deserve this for me, for my health, for my family. I have worked hard. Now is no time to give up. I have finally managed to dislodge my head from my ass. I should be able to continue on my journey now and reach the end of the Brick Road and enter into theEmerald City.
I will make it. Never give up on the person you are meant to be...never.
The memory and ability issues of my dad are, in my opinion, not getting any better and he may indeed be slipping down hill. His overall health is great. He has memory recall issues.
Stress is a pisser isn't it? I am often frustrated by my dad. It is kind of like reasoning with a small child,which he isn't. I was feeling quite overwhelmed but I thought I had a good hold on my feelings. I was sure that even though I seemed to be reaching for comfort foods (stuffing my face) that I was in control and not feeding my feelings instead of dealing with all of my emotions. Once an addict always an addict...something I need to learn. I know I can't trust myself when I am stressed especially when there is gooey, sweet or crunchy,salty just waiting for me to come and hang out.
I have learned a lot about myself on this journey. I have put on 5 pounds in recent weeks and yes, I deserve each and every one of those little guys. It is so true that no one can lie to you like you can lie to yourself. I promised, I whined, I bargained, I pleaded with myself and anyone one who would bend me their ear my way that I was only taking a rest, enjoying a break. Horseshit is still horseshit even if it is covered in flowers. I was lying people, to you to myself. That won't happen again.
I went to WW this morning and weighed in and took my lumps. I have reassessed my points allowance, my efforts, and my goal weight. I still want to be 165 pounds. I know I can do this. I deserve this for me, for my health, for my family. I have worked hard. Now is no time to give up. I have finally managed to dislodge my head from my ass. I should be able to continue on my journey now and reach the end of the Brick Road and enter into theEmerald City.
I will make it. Never give up on the person you are meant to be...never.
Saturday, September 6, 2008
Falling Down... Getting Back Up
My mother used to say that it wasn't the fall that hurt you it was the sudden stop. Dear hubby and I have been on vacation this week. I am so happy that it is drawing to a close. I need to return to my life. We started our vacation by going to an old fashioned all- you- can- eat breakfast buffet. Let me say before I go any further that my hubby has been absolutely more than 100% supportive in my weight loss effort and is my biggest cheerleader.
We used to go to buffets all the time. We don't go that often now for obvious reasons. I know he had been wanting to go out for breakfast for sometime but hadn't really brought it up much because my not choosing to eat alot of the things at these buffets. Well I am not exactly sure why I gave into myself but give in I did and give in I have...all week!
I have fallen down. Food addiction is a serious thing. I am a food addict. I ALMOST allowed myself to forget that I can not be trusted around gooey, fattening, super delicious, bad for you goodies. I have eaten things this week that I didn't even want but lacked the balls to say NO ! I have fallen down and in the process have hurt myself. I have allowed negative feelings and thoughts to steer me into the path of impending doom.
I learned I can still slip and fall with the best of the showgirls. Now is the time to find out what I am really made of. I think the stress of success was getting to me and I was too busy trying not to deal with the issues in my head that doing well on program was causing to rise to the top of the brine.
I have spent so much time and effort on losing weight that I have spent zero time making a game plan for being at goal and maintaining a goal for the rest of my life. I got a bit lazy and a bit over-confident. Guess I am human after all. I am determined to finish the path I set out on.
I learned that nothing tastes as good as being healthy feels. I like me. I accept me, the whole of myself not just the "good" parts. I can forgive myself for being weak in the moment, for not making the best choices this week. I am moving on from this a wiser person. I refuse to give up on myself this time around. This time I am letting myself achieve a winning outcome. Never give up on the person you are meant to be; words I try to live by.
We used to go to buffets all the time. We don't go that often now for obvious reasons. I know he had been wanting to go out for breakfast for sometime but hadn't really brought it up much because my not choosing to eat alot of the things at these buffets. Well I am not exactly sure why I gave into myself but give in I did and give in I have...all week!
I have fallen down. Food addiction is a serious thing. I am a food addict. I ALMOST allowed myself to forget that I can not be trusted around gooey, fattening, super delicious, bad for you goodies. I have eaten things this week that I didn't even want but lacked the balls to say NO ! I have fallen down and in the process have hurt myself. I have allowed negative feelings and thoughts to steer me into the path of impending doom.
I learned I can still slip and fall with the best of the showgirls. Now is the time to find out what I am really made of. I think the stress of success was getting to me and I was too busy trying not to deal with the issues in my head that doing well on program was causing to rise to the top of the brine.
I have spent so much time and effort on losing weight that I have spent zero time making a game plan for being at goal and maintaining a goal for the rest of my life. I got a bit lazy and a bit over-confident. Guess I am human after all. I am determined to finish the path I set out on.
I learned that nothing tastes as good as being healthy feels. I like me. I accept me, the whole of myself not just the "good" parts. I can forgive myself for being weak in the moment, for not making the best choices this week. I am moving on from this a wiser person. I refuse to give up on myself this time around. This time I am letting myself achieve a winning outcome. Never give up on the person you are meant to be; words I try to live by.
Saturday, August 30, 2008
Determination
Determination...the power to make up ones own mind to strive for a certain outcome. I was sure I could change my life if I could just find MY determination. As people we all form ideas about what is wrong and right for ourselves. I know in my life I have often made decision that not only turned out to be a bad ideas but also left me feeling insecure and unhappy.
I started WW in March 2007. I stumbled into that first meeting (this time around) with the same mind set I had gone to WW with before. Negative thoughts coupled with no determination and zero faith in myself. I cannot tell you what made this meeting a turning point for me. The leader was energetic and had personality. This meeting had coffee. This meeting had friendly members. The topic was about commitment and how determined you were to making a new way in life. It was the magic of all these components. Whatever it was I left that meeting with a new found belief in myself and in the program known as WW.
I will be the first one to tell you that losing weight, keeping a journal, believing I can do this has not been easy. It has however been worth every minute I have spent working on me. I feel so much more alive than I did a year ago. Tonight I walked a mile around the track at the college up the road from where I live. I am able to wear "normal sized" clothing. I actually bought not one but two bathing suits "off the rack" this summer. I could never do that before!
I have found MY determination. I hope I never lose sight of it again. Never give up on the person you are meant to be. I hope you find YOUR determination.
I started WW in March 2007. I stumbled into that first meeting (this time around) with the same mind set I had gone to WW with before. Negative thoughts coupled with no determination and zero faith in myself. I cannot tell you what made this meeting a turning point for me. The leader was energetic and had personality. This meeting had coffee. This meeting had friendly members. The topic was about commitment and how determined you were to making a new way in life. It was the magic of all these components. Whatever it was I left that meeting with a new found belief in myself and in the program known as WW.
I will be the first one to tell you that losing weight, keeping a journal, believing I can do this has not been easy. It has however been worth every minute I have spent working on me. I feel so much more alive than I did a year ago. Tonight I walked a mile around the track at the college up the road from where I live. I am able to wear "normal sized" clothing. I actually bought not one but two bathing suits "off the rack" this summer. I could never do that before!
I have found MY determination. I hope I never lose sight of it again. Never give up on the person you are meant to be. I hope you find YOUR determination.
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