Saturday, February 12, 2011

On Being Anonymous

When I first started this blog I didn't want anyone in my life to know I was writing about the crap in my head,or the things in and around my life. Great idea on paper except, I was born with a BIG mouth. Some people now know what I do. It makes journaling a little tougher but it keeps me honest.

I hate that as of late I don't seem to be able to sustain my weight- losing journey. My head is not in the game; hasn't been for a long time. See the cool thing about being anonymous is no one can hold you accountable for your successes or failures. As soon as  someone close to you sees around the fences you have put up, the show changes.

 People look to me for inspiration.  People look up to me. It is very overwhelming. I am glad that I can stand as an example of "she did it so can I" but I have more questions than answers. I have stopped dealing with the demons that made me eat in the first place. Losing weight changes many things in a person's life not just the size of their underpants. I find it a bit perplexing that weight loss programs(WW and the like)waste so much attention on shedding the pounds but little on coming to terms with the issues that made you a Large Marge in the first place. I have yet to meet a fat person who is fat just because they love to eat. Anyone who says that is full of horse pucky. Most overweight people have an emotional need to feed. It is our drug of choice.

The demons in my head use circular logic; a self-perpetuating cycle of shame and punishment I fall into whenever I feel that I have fallen short of something I set out to accomplish. I am having stress, so I make bad choices which make me feel sorry for myself which causes me more stress which....and the cycle continues. I made this choice. I put aside what I know I should do and took up the side dish.
Why? I have a few thoughts rolling around about it. I refrain from putting them here because I know in my heart they are just excuses. I am trying my best to avoid myself. I am losing this battle. No matter where I run I am right there, kind of like a puppy chasing its tail.

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The mad chronicling of a Large Marge on a journey to find the girl she used to be.