Tuesday, November 26, 2013

On Showing Up

I am starting this post right before I leave to go weigh in. I know that the scale will be at a number that I DO NOT like but I have grown myself into that number.  I have to face the music and change the tune into something I want. I will finish this post....Surprise, surprise  I actually somehow lost 1.2 lbs. I was shocked but I will take it.

 I write this blog mostly for myself to keep the runway in my head clear from unwanted, dangerous debris. Someone commented on my post from a few days ago. It took me totally by surprise but it made me smile. Growing up I wanted to be the ONE people noticed for all the right reasons. I suffer from Jan Brady syndrome. Yes I admit it. I am a middle child. I have been short changed so many times I feel like a dented penny. Being an adult, one would think that I could just walk away from all the petty mind rumblings in my head, sadly this is not so. I am an emotional eater.

I still feel like I am unworthy of forgiveness, of love, of  happiness, of... why can't I just let go? Is that shadow of unknown so scary that I AM  afraid to put on the light/? The problem lies in my psyche.. I wanted someone to love me as I am, my hubby fills that need, yet I still feel unloved. I wanted to belong. I have friends, yet I feel like gum on their shoe that they can't find a way to shake. I wanted shelter, so we bought a house, yet I don't feel at home. My real problem is ME.

Being bullied by people has a way of putting a groove in your soul that you keep tripping over. Years later when it is all over and done with that groove plays over and over.  I bully myself. I was not strong enough to be the different one, I was picked on and singled out because I was different. It is something that I struggle with everyday,in every aspect of my life. It is finding the right balance that is my stone. I need to learn to be kinder to myself. To cut myself a break now and then because perfect is only in the movies.

3 comments:

Nancy said...

It sounds like you've got the right mind set. This is a very difficult battle. We will never be perfect and it's hard to not beat ourselves up over it. When life and commitments get in our way it's even harder. Believe me, I know. Stick with it because after all "you're worth it."

Are you sticking with us on Sunday morning? Wasn't sure from the post whether you have changed to a Tuesday weigh-in.

Fiona said...

I will be there Sunday. I just posd this late. No worries. I love this group.

Nancy said...

Glad to hear it. Would be disappointed if you switched.

The mad chronicling of a Large Marge on a journey to find the girl she used to be.