Unfortunately yes again and again until I get this journey on the right path. I wish sometimes I had had the foresight to keep my blog private. Nothing hurts as much as falling down in front of an audience. I want to be better, to do better, to accomplish something. I want to be able to shout from the highest mountain. Even if that mountain is a kitchen chair. At this momemt in time on this particular day I feel like I am a failure.
It is time once again to stop, rest and assess. Where am I going? and what will I find? what's in this grab bag that I call my mind? what am I doing?
Wednesday, January 2, 2013
Monday, June 11, 2012
The Year of the Dragon 1/2 Gone
2012 is the year of the Dragon. I was born in the year of the Dragon many cycles ago. I have collected dragons since childhood. Its majestic beauty to appealing not to. I've always felt that people born under this Chinese symbol to be magical. The Dragon is the only mythical creature on the list of animals contained within the Chinese Zodiac.
I am a mighty Dragon. You may wondering, "ok but what does this have to do with weight loss and the journey to a normal size?" Just a feeling I have that this YEAR is MINE. This is the year I will cross the finish line to start a new, better race. One that be will be harder in almost every aspect but I am ready to claim my victory. I am going to attend a meeting a week to help me to reach my goal. I will ask for help if I feel like my success is slipping from my grasp. I will plan as much of my menus and activities as possible and I will have fun. I am going to try to put forth my best effort. I am worth the trip. I better get my asscake moving too, this year is almost 1/2 gone already.
I am a mighty Dragon. You may wondering, "ok but what does this have to do with weight loss and the journey to a normal size?" Just a feeling I have that this YEAR is MINE. This is the year I will cross the finish line to start a new, better race. One that be will be harder in almost every aspect but I am ready to claim my victory. I am going to attend a meeting a week to help me to reach my goal. I will ask for help if I feel like my success is slipping from my grasp. I will plan as much of my menus and activities as possible and I will have fun. I am going to try to put forth my best effort. I am worth the trip. I better get my asscake moving too, this year is almost 1/2 gone already.
I Found the Right MR. RIGHT
I haven't blogged in nearly six months. I haven't tracked my food or paid attention to what I have shoveled into my gullet for longer. I have been an idiot. I have been selfish, angry, and hateful. I gave up on myself. Instead of turning to my life partner to talk and ask for his support I tried to push him away. He has stood firmly by my side. I am not sure I will ever understand what I did to capture his love but I am ever thankful I did.
My hubby never gives up on me. He believes in me and encourages me on my journey even when I DON'T show up. He will not let me quit WW or myself. Somehow I got lucky and found my Mr. Right.
In early July a friend of ours will be gliding down the aisle to exchange vows with her Mr. Right. I hope she will be as lucky as I have been. True love is not glitz and glitter. It is born of friendship, respect, and hard work. Our relationship is not perfect but we work around the crap and embrace the good. There is no other I want to spend my life with even on my worst day.
I started the program from scratch this morning. This time I am tracking online. I will try to fit in more physical activity. I am going to try to blog more, to be more positive, to show up so I can participate in my own life/success.
My hubby never gives up on me. He believes in me and encourages me on my journey even when I DON'T show up. He will not let me quit WW or myself. Somehow I got lucky and found my Mr. Right.
In early July a friend of ours will be gliding down the aisle to exchange vows with her Mr. Right. I hope she will be as lucky as I have been. True love is not glitz and glitter. It is born of friendship, respect, and hard work. Our relationship is not perfect but we work around the crap and embrace the good. There is no other I want to spend my life with even on my worst day.
I started the program from scratch this morning. This time I am tracking online. I will try to fit in more physical activity. I am going to try to blog more, to be more positive, to show up so I can participate in my own life/success.
Sunday, January 22, 2012
The Good The Bad and the Ugly
I don't want to be the headliner in my own sad news story. LargeMarge Gone Bad. Everytime I am on the path to finally being the best version of me I sabotage myself. The whys are the problem. Stress relief, cheap anger management, depression all cheap excuses but hell they'll do in a pinch. I have never tried to right myself once I have begun a slide towards the abyss.
The Good
I started my journey to a healthy weight in March 2007. I lost 145.6 pounds in fourteen months. I adopted a new attitude. I made better food choices. I managed my inner demons.
The Bad
Looking back I was so caught up in the moment I didn't take time to adjust to the new me. I felt insecure in the me I had created. I felt unsure of where to take my journey. I stopped trusting myself. In turn I stopped managing all aspects of getting to goal. I should have sought help instead of trying to figure things out for myself.
The Ugly
When I let things turn ugly they turn UGLY. I have walked away from my journey so often now I am pretty sure I am on a different trip. I have put a chunk of my weight back on. So much so that this ugly needs a new sweater to hide the rolls. I am angry, disappointed, depressed. I am tired of failing. The ugly truth is I have to start over again. I need to forget where I have come from and set my sights on where I want to end up.
The New Beginning
I deserve to become the best example of myself. I want to do this for me. This show is not over. I am worth the trip. I will see this journey through to the end.
The Good
I started my journey to a healthy weight in March 2007. I lost 145.6 pounds in fourteen months. I adopted a new attitude. I made better food choices. I managed my inner demons.
The Bad
Looking back I was so caught up in the moment I didn't take time to adjust to the new me. I felt insecure in the me I had created. I felt unsure of where to take my journey. I stopped trusting myself. In turn I stopped managing all aspects of getting to goal. I should have sought help instead of trying to figure things out for myself.
The Ugly
When I let things turn ugly they turn UGLY. I have walked away from my journey so often now I am pretty sure I am on a different trip. I have put a chunk of my weight back on. So much so that this ugly needs a new sweater to hide the rolls. I am angry, disappointed, depressed. I am tired of failing. The ugly truth is I have to start over again. I need to forget where I have come from and set my sights on where I want to end up.
The New Beginning
I deserve to become the best example of myself. I want to do this for me. This show is not over. I am worth the trip. I will see this journey through to the end.
Monday, July 18, 2011
Salad Not Pie
I have been living the new program. I guess I am doing OK as I am now at 29 pts/day until I reach goal. I am down 9.8 pounds. My clothes are starting to fit better. I feel better. I want to succeed not just for myself. I want this for ALL the Large Marge's out there trapped in bodies that don't reflect who they are. I want to prove that belief in one's own power is the greatest gift you can have for yourself.
I try to live my life with no regrets but I have some. I regret that it took the loss of my sister and my mother to spur me into action. My whole life I have chased the dream of acceptance. Yet I am the one who can't let go(of the garbage in my life), accept and move on. I regret not going to college, getting a degree, acquiring the job I always wanted.
My mother used to say,"the journey of a thousand miles starts with the first step." I am on the roadtrip of my life with this one. It is time to put the regrets to bed for good. Every day that you wake up is a gift; a new chance to pick yourself up and try again. Don't discard your day. Do something positive with it. Share a smile, call a friend, visit your parents.
Use the day, this day to do something positive for you. Choose a salad skip the pie just for this day. If I can just remember not to forget what a power I can be I will be fine. Never give up on the person you are meant to be.
I try to live my life with no regrets but I have some. I regret that it took the loss of my sister and my mother to spur me into action. My whole life I have chased the dream of acceptance. Yet I am the one who can't let go(of the garbage in my life), accept and move on. I regret not going to college, getting a degree, acquiring the job I always wanted.
My mother used to say,"the journey of a thousand miles starts with the first step." I am on the roadtrip of my life with this one. It is time to put the regrets to bed for good. Every day that you wake up is a gift; a new chance to pick yourself up and try again. Don't discard your day. Do something positive with it. Share a smile, call a friend, visit your parents.
Use the day, this day to do something positive for you. Choose a salad skip the pie just for this day. If I can just remember not to forget what a power I can be I will be fine. Never give up on the person you are meant to be.
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Starting Over It's Okay It Happens
Life has a way of turning a person over on their ass cheeks. Life doesn't ask although sometimes it does warn you. 10/12/08 I weighed in at my WW meeting. The scale read back 174 for a total weight loss of 145.6 pounds! ...and then the fear set in. I let it persuade me away from my goal of 165. Fear, friend and foe. To have a little Fear can be a good thing. She can forewarn of danger or keep you from doing something foolish. I hate Fear and her evil twin Doubt. I have let them push me into corners and make decision for my life that I have lived to regret. I am convinced that Failure is just around the corner smoking cigarettes waiting for Fear to be done with her job so he can take over, put a sharpened stick into my soul and be done with me once and for all.
05/22/11 I weighed in at my WW meeting. The scale read back 217.8. ZOWIE!! Yes, that is what I thought. How did that happen? Well that is what happens when you let Fear and Failure drive you. I stopped being careful. I stopped exercising. I stopped trying. I started buying into my own lies.
I need to start over. I have never allowed myself to be a success. I am a self-saboteur. My biggest fault/flaw is that I stop believing in "my happy ending." It is counterproductive. I want more for me, from me. I want to be the best example of myself not the worst.
Starting over will be a good thing for me. I have asked Fear and Failure to leave me alone. I have put in a request for that winning team Confidence and Success. Who knows if I put in the work, have enough faith and patience maybe I can affect the change in my life I so desparately want.
05/22/11 I weighed in at my WW meeting. The scale read back 217.8. ZOWIE!! Yes, that is what I thought. How did that happen? Well that is what happens when you let Fear and Failure drive you. I stopped being careful. I stopped exercising. I stopped trying. I started buying into my own lies.
I need to start over. I have never allowed myself to be a success. I am a self-saboteur. My biggest fault/flaw is that I stop believing in "my happy ending." It is counterproductive. I want more for me, from me. I want to be the best example of myself not the worst.
Starting over will be a good thing for me. I have asked Fear and Failure to leave me alone. I have put in a request for that winning team Confidence and Success. Who knows if I put in the work, have enough faith and patience maybe I can affect the change in my life I so desparately want.
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Far and Awry
Once upon a thirty odd years ago I was a young girl who yearned to be an adult. I finally got my wish one day when that sneaky mistress we all call Time slipped in through a weakness in my foundation. I have been looking for the throwback switch ever since. Why didn't I hold onto that magical time when everything was just out of reach but reachable? Why did I think that being a grownup was the goal to sprint for?
People often form the wrong idea about who I am. I know that I am to blame. I enjoy being somewhat of a mystery. Sometimes though I fool myself. Have you just ever wanted to walk away from your life? Why is it that when I am mired down by life I feel it right away? yet I am unable to recognize all the things in my life that are great just the way they are. I am sure I am not alone in those thoughts. I have a good life but I suffer from the grass is greener syndrome. I jump to the conclusion that people around me have it easier or nicer or better or more fulfilling. I feel my soul turn green with envy.I worry that someday the Grim Reaper will alight on my doorstep and only then will I realize that I wasted all those years not knowing I was happy. You can't get back what you have thrown away.
Stop throwing your life away. Lose faith and you lose everything.
Never give up on the person you are meant to be.
People often form the wrong idea about who I am. I know that I am to blame. I enjoy being somewhat of a mystery. Sometimes though I fool myself. Have you just ever wanted to walk away from your life? Why is it that when I am mired down by life I feel it right away? yet I am unable to recognize all the things in my life that are great just the way they are. I am sure I am not alone in those thoughts. I have a good life but I suffer from the grass is greener syndrome. I jump to the conclusion that people around me have it easier or nicer or better or more fulfilling. I feel my soul turn green with envy.I worry that someday the Grim Reaper will alight on my doorstep and only then will I realize that I wasted all those years not knowing I was happy. You can't get back what you have thrown away.
Stop throwing your life away. Lose faith and you lose everything.
Never give up on the person you are meant to be.
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