I had a less than stellar day today. Not because I fell off the wagon and rolled down a hill and under some bushes, sorry but I stayed on track. I just woke up in a seriously vile mood. As I type this I have now lost 93.6 pounds. I have busted my hump to get here. I try everyday to start anew and to deal with my anger issues as they arise. I try to stay focused and positive and to THINK before I eat.
Sometimes I just want the ride to stop. My life is on a weird path at the moment. My mom recently passed away. My dad is in good health with a bad memory. My hubby is his usual self; I am different. I am changing. I don't know this newbie. I do not feel comfortable with the thoughts and feelings I am having now. I have spent the better part of my younger days as a Large Marge. I never worried about how nice clothing could be. I only ever worried about what it could hide, camouflage, or just about cover up.
Thoughts and feelings come rushing at me with such speed that my head spins. Do these pants match the shirt I want to wear? Do I have nice shoes? I sound more like my kid sister than I do myself. I should probably tell you that my kid sister passed away some three years ago in a car accident. Where ever her spirit rests she must be beside herself with joy over my new found girlie ways.
The new version of me has found nice clothes. I like to look nice. I want people to notice me in a good way, not a "damn is she fat" way. Very not me. I have lived my life being noticed because of my wit and smarts. Who is this alien woman I find living in my thoughts?
I have a new found confidence about my appearance. Something I've never had before. I am not sure how to handle myself. I find this new aspect both thrilling and scary. I am ever so nearer to "normal" sizes. When I started this trek I wore the huge end of the scale 26-30 +. Don't get me wrong those size ranges have a lot more color and style than they would have had in the 60's but I still looked like a furniture throw in most things.
I will not miss what they had to offer. I now buy jeans without an elastic waist. Something I haven't been able to do since I was a teenager. F'n Yippee!
