New Year

I try not to make New Year Resolutions. I find I don't need that extra pressure "making" empty promises I either don't want to keep or are unable to accomplish because the bar has been set too high. The great thing for me is that with the start of every new year my vacation time and sick days at work reset. Oh happy day.
 

Let the Testing Begin

OMG two posts in a row. I told you I believe in miracles. :) Dear hubby and are about to go out for the day. We are on vacation from work this week. Hubby has a daughter from a previous relationship. We are taking her and her daughter out for lunch and shopping. I never got to be a mom in my own right. Stepmom I am. Grammy I try. Let me tell you there is no easier way to weird me out then to have a little 5 year old following behind shouting, "Grammy wait for me. Grammy." Absolutely cool and yet gives me the goosebumps.
I am only posting this because I am sure to be challenged at where we go to eat vs. what I can safely eat without falling off program.

...I survived. I wanted to do anything but go shopping but we went. Stress level up. Lunch up next. We tried to hit our local 99 Restaurant; there was an hour wait so we drove off down the road and hit Lou Roc's Diner. Magical place to me all on its own. I played it safe by ordering a boring garden salad with grilled chicken and house dressing on the side.

Yes, I am jumping up and down. I haven't forgotten how to do this. Hooray for me :)

One More Time With Feeling

My cat looks up at me as if to say,"you know you're certifiable." She couldn't be more on the money if she tried. Why do I set myself up to fail time and again, why? I am afraid to shine because I fear ridicule.  Let me say that I worked my asscake off to lose weight. So why did I stop trying? Good question that I didn't want to answer for a long time.

I got tired of being hungry. I got tired of planning all my meals. I got tired of everything. I went to my WW meeting every Sunday morning for fourteen months straight without missing a meeting. I lost every week then the crash came. I started hesitating at the start/finish line. I guess like so many other addicts in the world I let my own headspeak get through to me. "I am better. I have learned. I will never..." OMG get freakin' real Miss Fi.

I am human. I make mistakes. I walked away from what I was learning to be good at. I walked away from my dream of being nonfat just like my favorite nodairy creamer. I eventually figure out which direction is best for me. I never give up. I absolutely refuse. I have returned to my meeting. I have returned to find that there is a new program that I am trying to get the hang of. I have returned to blogging my journey.

Please keep your hands inside the ride, make sure your seatbelts are secure. This ride I call my life has twists and turns. I do this for me,  one more time but with feeling. See you soon. :)

I Can Fly

Once I read a poem by this boy named Adam. It was lovely and moved me in ways I have never been able to express. We as people are born with potential. Life experiences and the people in our lives help to mold that potential. I believe we all have the ability to fly, to soar and become anything we want. I also know that no one can lie to you like you can lie to yourself. I forget that I can fly. I have been listening to the evil black thoughts that pervade my psyche.

My entire life I have felt less. Like I was loved less, wanted less, left with less. I have had help. Kids and adults can be very mean. Some do not hesitate to reach out and help you feel small and insignificant. I know that I am a grown up and that somehow I should be able to shake the past but MY truth is I can't let it go. I hang onto the past like a fishingpole. I cast my line out into the waters of hope, dreams and potential. All I ever seem to be able to reel in? an old boot filled with sludge. The sludge of dreams and hopes that I have given up on. I have become the worst example of myself once again. I can't help but wonder how many times I have to smack myself with a hammer before I realize that it hurts? and that I alone have the power to stop this pain?

I alone have the power to become the best example of me. I just need to believe that I can fly.

Detours

Funny how you can be traveling down a familiar road and not see the detour coming. Suddenly you find yourself slamming on the brakes in anticipation of a route change. I recently switched to a Wednesday meeting because I thought the day and time were going to work much better for my life situation; and then the detours came.

I missed my WW meeting the first week of July because hubby and I were on vacation away from home base. The next Wednesday came but I had dinner plans with a friend who is moving to Germany for a few years. I felt it was probably going to be the last time I would get to see her so I went. Ok so now I am looking at the third week of July. I am all set to walk through the door of WW again when hubby has a heart epsiode. On that Wednesday my detour began at 9:15 in the morning and wasn't over until tonight,yes another Wednesday, at 7:22 pm. when we finally put hubby's heart rhythm back on course.

I feel like I am finally back on course. I am shooting for my weigh-in next Wednesday. My fingers are crossed. ;)

Just Another Day?

I have always had a thing about my birthday. I dread the thought of getting older. I hate that I feel alone in the world. I hate that it is in July. My birthday was today. My hubby knows I hate this day. His response? "Honey it's just another day that I get to love you." or he tells me to relax which in turn makes me more tense. I know I am a little off center but that is who I am.
Today was in truth really just another day but the little girl that dwells in my heart hoped for something more. Only after hubby took me to my favorite restaurant for supper did I realize that my life is spectacular. I am lucky enough to have found the one I am happy to share my life with, my soul mate, my friend, my hubby.

...and it is just another day that I get to love you.

Wow What a Wednesday

I changed meeting time and day. I really like this meeting. Inspiration comes from the most unexpected places sometime. I find I look forward to attending this meeting. A different leader presents program in her own style. It makes something old hat feel like a pretty new ribbon has been added. I find the weekend works better for me. I work better for me. It is the next Wednesday rounding the corner before I know it. I feel I am more in control of my meal planning, my emotions, my time. I am happy with my decision to leave the other meeting as tough as it was to make.

I loved my Sunday meeting. I lost the bulk of my hulk at that meeting. We all change, slowly but change happens whether you are ready for it or not. I think I outgrew my old meeting. Though maybe in truth I shrunk out of my old meeting. Whatever the truth I began to feel like I needed something more for myself. Sometimes the most obvious solution to a problem is the easiest fix. I just didn't think I could trust myself with that answer. Reach out for the light switch if the room is too dark. Don't cower in the shadows waiting for the dawn. Be the light in your life that you are looking for.

New Meeting

I make no bones about the fact that I struggle. The journey to the "Land of Normal Sizes" is never over. I have learned how to lose weight. I have learned how to make better choices and yes, when I am in the "bubble" of things being in perfect alignment I have learned to cope better with my demons, those evil things that hang onto the edges of my soul, that I am convinced make it easier to fall out of the bubble and onto the platform of FML.

On program I feel healthy mentally and physically. I am happier and feel like I can accomplish whatever I set my mind to. I wish I could bottle that feeling; make it into a easy roll-on similar to deodorant for those times when you think you might need a boost. I decided last week that I needed to claw out of the rut I have allowed myself to wallow in. I picked a new meeting site; one that is closer to where I live, one that is more convenient to my life.

I enjoyed my first meeting in a new place, new time. The solution to a problem can be as simple as thinking outside the box or in my case stepping outside the box. See what is in the way from a different vantage point. This meeting is not the answer I seek. I am the answer. I am what was in the way!!!

What I need to accept is that at some point I will no longer be actively losing weight. I have learned that skill. It's the next skill that separates the losers from the maintainers. I will forever be holding those "need to feed" demons at bay. It is called maintenance. One journey ends as another begins.

I Lost My Spot in Line.

It doesn't matter how old I get, how long I try, how many times I throw in the towel. I still have things to learn. I have this nagging voice in my head that keeps urging me forward to a better me. I am no different than most people in life that you know and love. Only my life experiences and memories make me different. We all laugh, we all love, we all cry. I think you get my drift.

Why is it I believe or have unwavering faith in someone else's abilities but not my own. I let the crap in life clog my efforts. I have been so busy feeling sorry for myself that I lost my spot in line. I have been spending most of my time feeling frustrated and aggravated by the things going on around me. I should have learned some sort of coping mechanism, besides stuffing my face, by now. Everyone who lives has some sort of struggle in life. I am addicted to food. I jokingly said this morning at WW that I wish it had been anything else like shoes or booze or porn. Those things can be given up. The yearning for those things may always be just on the edge of giving into their attraction but most addictions have one thing in common; an addict can live without their company.

Food has it's own unique evil. I have yet to meet anybody who can just walk away and live happily ever after without it. I like my food piled high with emotion. Seriously I feel so much more emotionally if I add a heaping serving of whatever I can stuff in my face. Yeah, not true so why is it always my first gut reaction? Self-loathing I feel is the true answer. No one I know can lie to me like I can. No one can tear down my self-esteem as fast as I can or as skillfully. It's sad.

I am sure the human mind is wired strangely. A person will remember a slap across the face far longer than a kiss on the cheek. Bad over good. I have gained back some of the weight I have worked so hard to get off. I am responsible for my bad behaviors, bad choices, bad moods. There is no amount of "good tasting " food that can get me back my place in line. Realizing I can do it, believing in myself is something for me to discover. I can do this, I want to do it. The journey to gaol is mine to follow. You may join me on the road but you can not have my place.

Never give up on the person you are meant to be. Sometimes I forget but I never give up.

Tuesdays

I have to tell you I am not a big fan of the day Tuesday. Any Tuesday at any time. I am not really sure when my loathing for this particular day started but hate it I do. Imagine how unhappy I was this morning after I realized that I had an appointment for a double header doctor's visit. Yes, I said a double header or two parter. Just what every gal needs on a dreaded Tuesday; a mammogram and a pap smear.

And yet something cool happened. I had a great day. In part because the mammographer was very nice. It is difficult for both participants to make "nice" conversation especially if one is semi-nude. I am chatty by nature and tend to like most people I meet. I think I have a good read on most people. There is a saying that people come into your life for a reason. I did something that inspired and motivated someone I don't know.

I think I inspired the mammographer to go back to WW. As much as I like to pretend that WW is not an integral part of my life I prove to myself time and again that it is. Every time I walk away from program I soundly fall on my face, because well, nobody is watching including me. Some time ago I gave up on my journey. Not because I don't want to do it anymore, not because the program doesn't work but because I suck at handling stress. My life has been interrupted by an illness in my Dad.

I am doing about as well as I can in the arena of "I feel crippled and overwhelmed" in regards to my Dad's recent run of bad health. Shortly before Thanksgiving this year, two days before exactly, an aneurysm behind my father's left knee blew and a clot lodged in his foot. I rushed him to the hospital. After what seemed like an eternity, a brilliant yet evil surgeon performed a fem-pop bypass on my Dad's artery to try and save his leg and foot. My dad very nearly died. I have been trying to get back to me ever since.

It is difficult beyond measure to keep my head on straight, to manage two households, to try to stick to program and be happy. Some days are diamonds, some days are stone.

Oh Yes I Can if I Just Believe I Can

I gave myself permission to succeed. I really believe in self-fulfilling prophecy. If I can dream it I can do it. It is a dangerously sharp two-sided sword; one that can both be uplifting and deadening. It is difficult to strike a harmonious balance. I am trying to fix what I have made a mess from. I walked four days last week and stuck to program. I went to WW this morning and amazingly enough my best efforts were rewarded with a 5.8 lb. weight loss. Yippee for me, yippee for the hard work I put in.

Today begins Week Two in my quest to a better me. This week I want to walk five days and increase my course speed. Well the day calls and I am getting nothing done here waxing poetic. Later ;)

This Time It's For Me

Today is the only day you have. Live the moment that comes your way. No room for negativity. Be positive that this day will be your best and then make it so.Today I renew my efforts at reaching goal. Life should never become stagnant. When you have low points in your life it needs to be a time of reassessment not giving up or quitting.

There are things in my personal life that need to change too. On many levels I am unhappy and unfulfilled. I deserve more than I allow myself to have. I always settle for less. Why do we do that to ourselves? I know I can't do that anymore. I don't want to.

I took a rest on my journey. I got lost on the path. I let my old habits lure me away from my efforts to become healthier. Not anymore not this time. This time I get to win. This time I will finish. This time is my time. Watch for posts on my progress. I start a 6 week walk program today. Today's goal 2 miles. On June 12th a group of us from WW are going on a 5k walk. I plan on being there. Life is what you make it. Go make something beautiful. :)

The Dusting Off Process

As people our capacity to love is unfathomable. Yet to love ourselves unattainable. I expect perfection; when I fall short I am mean to myself. I sabotage myself in a bizarre self fulfilling prophecy. It is a never ending tiresome circle. I need for it to end. I don't know how to behave in tough emotional situations. I don't trust myself enough to shut off the voices in my head and listen to my instincts. Whenever I am torn about something going on in my life I recall that advertising pitch of an angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other. Which one will I listen to this time? Lately I let the mini me in red rule the way.


I started this weight loss journey in March of 2007. I have come so far yet I let the finish line loom in front of me. I am convinced I can't finish, that I don't need to. For a long time I haven't wanted to finish. Taking weight off is the easier part of the puzzle. Finding motivation, keeping the motivation is tough but harder still is the balancing act that is needed to maintain the weight you have lost. I have the tools before me to write my own happy beginning. Never give up on the person you are meant to be. Pick yourself up(one more time), dust yourself off(take stock of the damage you have done) and get back to your journey.

Take time to enjoy your life as it unfolds each day.