Oh Yes I Can !

Ok so yesterday I went to my meeting. I was so sure that I had gained upwards of 5 pounds. The reality, a half-pound ! So it just goes to show just how large a person can make nothing into something in their mind. It is time to get over myself and finish what I started.

Every year at the end of February, Shrek and I go away for a weekend. Shrek and his buddies attend a gaming convention;while I get to go shopping with my best galpal Jadira. I love this weekend because it helps to put the winter to bed. It also helps me to just breathe and relax. I would like to be at goal before our annual outing. An achieviable goal if I just put in the work.

I will be putting away some money every week that I show a weight loss. I would like to be able to buy some killer boots or a leather coat. I have never allowed myself to own a leather coat because I felt that at my LARGE size it was wrong.

I am not afraid anymore about what awaits me on the other side of the bridge. I have always been able to see the view from my vantage point. I was just never wise enough to believe that I belonged there. Never give up on the person you are meant to be. I think I was struggling so much because I let myself forget what I am worth. I will try from this point on not forget what I mean to the people in my life. Or forget what I mean to me.

Peace...

The Journey of My Life

It is said that a journey of a thousand miles is begun with the first step. The thing is nobody ever warns you about the importance of that first step. Careful preliminary preparations need to be taken. Never leave on a journey without checking all of the details. Great planning makes for great times,usually. Did you ever notice how excited one gets right before vacation time comes? I always enjoy time outs from work but I notice that by the end of my time off I am exhausted. I need a vacation from my vacation.

I tried to finish my journey without ever relaxing, even just a little. I think I burned myself out on WW trying too hard to get to goal. I have stopped logging my foods. I have stopped planning. I have stopped checking labels. I have been pissed at myself. I laid down on the road and I haven't wanted to get off my ass and back up on my feet. Having said that...I am back on my feet. I might be a little unsteady for awhile but I am determined. Never give up on the person you are meant to be. I will win the day! The WW program works for me when I work with it.

"Tis The Season

Happy Holidays? I have never been a big fan of this time of year. I have been on program for nearly two years now. I can honestly say that even though I have made great strides in many of the areas of my life, holidays are still my downfall. This year is no exception. I need to learn to be honest with myself and those around me about how inadequate I feel about family and the events we get invited to and the events that we don't get invited to.


I believe that in order for me to succeed I need to deal with the demons, habits, and laziness I have been relying on for most of my life. Lately I have been not following program as religiously as when I first started my journey. Not a surprise. Weight loss gets more difficult the closer you are to reaching goal. Why? The honest answer; I stop myself from succeeding. I am afraid. I am bored. I am angry. I am confused. I am not as motivated as I once was. The reason for my failure to launch; I have grown complacent.

I never thought I would reach the day when I wish people would stop congratulating me on how well I am doing. UGH ! If only people had an idea about how imperfect I am or how poorly I have been doing. I have been overthinking and over analyzing everything in my life. Which leaves me feeling overwhelmed,which makes me feel like I am underachieving so I stress out and EAT!

WTF!!! Negative thinking gets a body nowhere but into trouble.

What have I learned? If I allow myself to continue to slide down the hill I will eat my way back to the blob I once was. Never give up on the person you are meant to be. I refuse to give up ! I will get to goal. I will...watch this blog for updates on my journey.

Struggling but Still Striving

I started putting on pounds when I was a kid, maybe age 11 or 12 and I actively participated in this endeavor until I was 42 years old. I was a heavy teen and a heavy adult. I eat to put off dealing with issues I don't want to deal with. I am afraid of failing, yet I am afraid to succeed. I have not made it to goal because I am losing faith in myself. I don't want to be afraid anymore. I know I can do this. I am worth the success I have worked so hard to get. So why can't I grab that "brass ring"? I need to stop bitching about the things I don't have or can't do and instead celebrate what I have, what I've done, who I am.

I still struggle with my emotions. It is difficult for me not to eat when I am feeling overwhelmed or frustrated. I ate yesterday like I used to. Shame on me, I haven't forgotten how. I know I am in the midst of some emotional stresses that I am having a bitch of a time dealing with but I keep righting my canoe and I WILL finish this course and then start a new road. The Walk of Maintenance. It is time for me to accept responsibility for my life and the actions and decisions I make.


My kid sister who I love more than I can express here died in a car accident in 2004. I spent nearly the next three years in a deep depression and I ate and ate and ate. My parents clung to me with a vigor I've never experienced before. My mom was already in ill health and my dad's memory was beginning to fail. Still I ate. Things came to head for me February 2007. I knew I was nearly at the heaviest I had ever been. My quality of life was not good. I was having a hard time healing from a broken leg. I felt like my heart was going to explode and I was often short of breath. I thought about dying...I chose life. I came to my first WW meeting March 4, 2007.


No one escapes childhood without scars and anyone who tells you that they are just fine is lying to more than just themselves. I set high almost impossible life goals for myself to reach and then sank into a depression when none of my "dreams" came to fruition. Funny how even though I am an adult I can still reason with childlike innocence. I have set 10% goals along my way and now I am close to goal...success through careful planning and hard work...novel concept for me.


I was never given any life skills training when I was a kid. For real who can say that their parents or family gave them a handbook on "how to deal with all of the shit that will run downhill into your life?" Safe bet not many. Most people I am willing to bet raise their kids in the best way they know how and from they way they were raised.


I am the person I am because of the way I was raised, the environment I was exposed to and from (let's be honest) the choices and lack of choices I made for myself. No one thing makes you the person you are. It took me a stupid amount of time to like myself. I will never be the president of a college or run for VP of the US, but I like me foibles and all.

Success, my success as a WW has given me my life back. I now have a great quality of life. Gone is the shortness of breath and all of my various and sundry medications for diabetes and the like.
Most days I am happy to get out of bed and into my everyday life. I have purpose and meaning, just because I am alive. I know I am everything to someone and he deserves so much more than I can ever give him but he is happy to take what I offer. His belief in me never waivers. How fortunate I am. Love you dear hubby.



Never give up on the person you are meant to be.

At Last I Managed to Get My Head Out of My Ass

OMG! It's October already. I came within a whisker of giving up on me...but I didn't and so I won't. I am so close to crossing into the "FREE" part of WW that I can ,excuse the pun, almost taste it.

The memory and ability issues of my dad are, in my opinion, not getting any better and he may indeed be slipping down hill. His overall health is great. He has memory recall issues.

Stress is a pisser isn't it? I am often frustrated by my dad. It is kind of like reasoning with a small child,which he isn't. I was feeling quite overwhelmed but I thought I had a good hold on my feelings. I was sure that even though I seemed to be reaching for comfort foods (stuffing my face) that I was in control and not feeding my feelings instead of dealing with all of my emotions. Once an addict always an addict...something I need to learn. I know I can't trust myself when I am stressed especially when there is gooey, sweet or crunchy,salty just waiting for me to come and hang out.

I have learned a lot about myself on this journey. I have put on 5 pounds in recent weeks and yes, I deserve each and every one of those little guys. It is so true that no one can lie to you like you can lie to yourself. I promised, I whined, I bargained, I pleaded with myself and anyone one who would bend me their ear my way that I was only taking a rest, enjoying a break. Horseshit is still horseshit even if it is covered in flowers. I was lying people, to you to myself. That won't happen again.

I went to WW this morning and weighed in and took my lumps. I have reassessed my points allowance, my efforts, and my goal weight. I still want to be 165 pounds. I know I can do this. I deserve this for me, for my health, for my family. I have worked hard. Now is no time to give up. I have finally managed to dislodge my head from my ass. I should be able to continue on my journey now and reach the end of the Brick Road and enter into theEmerald City.

I will make it. Never give up on the person you are meant to be...never.

Falling Down... Getting Back Up

My mother used to say that it wasn't the fall that hurt you it was the sudden stop. Dear hubby and I have been on vacation this week. I am so happy that it is drawing to a close. I need to return to my life. We started our vacation by going to an old fashioned all- you- can- eat breakfast buffet. Let me say before I go any further that my hubby has been absolutely more than 100% supportive in my weight loss effort and is my biggest cheerleader.

We used to go to buffets all the time. We don't go that often now for obvious reasons. I know he had been wanting to go out for breakfast for sometime but hadn't really brought it up much because my not choosing to eat alot of the things at these buffets. Well I am not exactly sure why I gave into myself but give in I did and give in I have...all week!

I have fallen down. Food addiction is a serious thing. I am a food addict. I ALMOST allowed myself to forget that I can not be trusted around gooey, fattening, super delicious, bad for you goodies. I have eaten things this week that I didn't even want but lacked the balls to say NO ! I have fallen down and in the process have hurt myself. I have allowed negative feelings and thoughts to steer me into the path of impending doom.

I learned I can still slip and fall with the best of the showgirls. Now is the time to find out what I am really made of. I think the stress of success was getting to me and I was too busy trying not to deal with the issues in my head that doing well on program was causing to rise to the top of the brine.

I have spent so much time and effort on losing weight that I have spent zero time making a game plan for being at goal and maintaining a goal for the rest of my life. I got a bit lazy and a bit over-confident. Guess I am human after all. I am determined to finish the path I set out on.

I learned that nothing tastes as good as being healthy feels. I like me. I accept me, the whole of myself not just the "good" parts. I can forgive myself for being weak in the moment, for not making the best choices this week. I am moving on from this a wiser person. I refuse to give up on myself this time around. This time I am letting myself achieve a winning outcome. Never give up on the person you are meant to be; words I try to live by.

Determination

Determination...the power to make up ones own mind to strive for a certain outcome. I was sure I could change my life if I could just find MY determination. As people we all form ideas about what is wrong and right for ourselves. I know in my life I have often made decision that not only turned out to be a bad ideas but also left me feeling insecure and unhappy.

I started WW in March 2007. I stumbled into that first meeting (this time around) with the same mind set I had gone to WW with before. Negative thoughts coupled with no determination and zero faith in myself. I cannot tell you what made this meeting a turning point for me. The leader was energetic and had personality. This meeting had coffee. This meeting had friendly members. The topic was about commitment and how determined you were to making a new way in life. It was the magic of all these components. Whatever it was I left that meeting with a new found belief in myself and in the program known as WW.

I will be the first one to tell you that losing weight, keeping a journal, believing I can do this has not been easy. It has however been worth every minute I have spent working on me. I feel so much more alive than I did a year ago. Tonight I walked a mile around the track at the college up the road from where I live. I am able to wear "normal sized" clothing. I actually bought not one but two bathing suits "off the rack" this summer. I could never do that before!

I have found MY determination. I hope I never lose sight of it again. Never give up on the person you are meant to be. I hope you find YOUR determination.

It's Always Something...

There is this woman at my WW meeting, Jean, who always says that when you are doing well the meeting needs you but when you are struggling you need the meeting. I used to kind of laugh that off but I am finding that statement to be very true lately. I have worked very hard to get where I am. I worked my way down the scale with little 10% increments and I try never to lose faith in myself. In the past time and again I've sold myself short and have given up on myself. I lose sight of where I have come from. Not this time...I refuse to give up !

Truth be told lately I want to give up. I want to put down my burdens and just rest. My hubby is very supportive and won't let me give up on myself. I think sometimes I don't give him enough credit for being the great guy he is. He has unwavering faith in what I can do. He never shies away from telling me how much he loves me. He beams to whomever will listen just how proud he is of my efforts to change my eating habits. I am truly blessed.

I used to always joke that I would kill to be a happy medium. Now that I am a medium, I just need to learn how to be happy. I need to learn to appreciate what I have, who I am. I feel that is the secret to happiness, at least mine.

OMG !!! Awesome new food find

So first let me preface what I am going to tell you with I can't say that I really enjoy food shopping. So imagine my surprise when I found something new and tasty and LOW in points!!!! Arnold's breads has a series of new breads out called sandwich thins! OMG! Super delicious! I purchased the multigrain ones. Check it out here!

I love the fact that they are round and perfect say for a hamburger or as toast. I will try to get the nutritional info on each and post them here later...

Steve's Pizzeria

It has been about 16 months since I took that first leap of faith towards a healthier me. I have to admit that it has not been an easy road nor is my journey anywhere near to being done. Along my way I have been to many wonderful eateries and have met great people. It never stops catching me by surprise when the ordinary every day guy is helpful to me and my journey. I want to tell you about one of my favorite places to eat. I was unsure that I would ever be able to walk into a pizza place and order something that was good for me and filling.

In my journey I have been fortunate enough to find four great local pizza shops. Yes, I said four. In no particular order they are : Burncoat Pizza, Papa George's Pizza, Paradise Pizza and Steve's Pizzeria. I love each of these local spots for very different reasons.

Steve's is located at 337 West Boylston Street. In lovely West Boylston. This pizza shop is run by a bunch of truly madcap guys. I think a few females work the counter but I usually see the same guys on Friday nights. At Steve's you can get assorted grinders, fish and chips and other pizza shop fare. What they don't tell is is just how LARGE the large grinders are or did you know that they have beer on tap if you are old enough with ID ? I love this place. It has a small town feel to it. It reminds me of my hometown pizza place, except this place it so much better.
On my weight loss journey I have had to learn to ask for what I want. At Steve's after some trial and error (on my part not theirs) I found their house salad. Steve's has a wonderful house salad. Plenty of stuff in the lettuce not just lettuce. Pepperonchinis, olives, bell peppers, cuke slices, tomatoes, onion and a house dressing that I have to admit I LOVE LOVE LOVE. So much so I don't care what is in it. I top off this perfect creation with grilled chicken. The salad comes with a half pita that is fresh and soft and makes me want to buy stock in its bakery. Hubby loves the grinders...steak and cheese, chicken salad, Italian, chicken cutlet. Hubby thinks you should know that your are lucky indeed if you order fries as they come both regular and slightly spicy, depending on what they have on hand.

I'll have to take his word on this as I don't eat fries anymore as they can not be trusted not to settle on my hips and make me fluffy. Steve's is our Friday night. I find if we don't go my weekend feels off from norm. Stop in some time I promise you won't be disappointed. I have been able to manage my WW program quite nicely with a little help from my friends at Steve's. Thanks guys.

Birthday Time

Shrek and I are on vacation this week. I always make hubby take this upcoming week off as I really hate working on my birthday. My week went really well this past week and it showed this morning at the scales. Down another 5 pounds...woo hoo ! I am also happy to report that for the very first time I managed to snag 2 swimsuits off the rack and didn't have to order from a catalog. I am actually looking forward to my birthday this year. I have never enjoyed my birthday, usually way to many expectations on my part.

I tend to be impatient with myself. It is a truism in that no one is as hard on you as you yourself. Today at meeting people were talking about how they have been struggling as of late. My heart goes out to each and every one of my friends. Struggle is part and parcel of this craptastic process, like it or not. I struggle with my wants and cravings on a daily basis. Now when I am eating something that I know was not a wise choice on my part I try to stop for a second (which in and of itself is a tough flipping thing to accomplish)and ask myself why and what am I doing.

Sometimes it helps sometimes it doesn't. Now I log my feelings down beside the food I felt that I couldn't pass up. I don't dwell on how I have strayed. I put my journal aside and I try to make the next moment, hour, day better. When I have moved beyond the issue that helped me to seek food as a comfort I go back and read. I try to learn what set me off. Accept, learn, move on.

This is a journey that nevers ends. Fear not for we are not alone on this journey and if you just reach out your hand, someone will surely reach back.

Slowing Down

My weight loss has S-L-O-W-E-D D-O-W-N. Believe it or not I am happy about that. Now I feel like I can catch my breath and just maybe wear out some of my new panties. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever imagine that I would have to buy new underwear every few months.

As a Large Marge I was pretty much relegated to certain let's say granny panties but the new me can wear nicer,sexier under things and I just find that so cool. I am happy that my weight loss has slowed down. Now I can learn to enjoy the smaller me. It has been weird to see myself in a mirror. I never realized before just how small my frame is. I recently discovered that I , like most people, do indeed possess collarbones.

I was at my local Target store a week or so back and for the first time in a long, long time I purchased 2 very cute mini skorts. Skorts I say because well I am just not ready for just a skirt ! I don't think that the people I work with are ready to view that much of me if I forget and bend without thinking... the summer has great things in store for me I can just feel it.

This weekend up and coming I am going in search of a swim suit. Shrek and I have been invited to a BBQ on July 4th and I aim to be seen. No more hiding for me. I have worked hard and battled valiantly. It is my turn to be in the winner's circle. Watch out world I have arrived. I know I will make it to goal. Never give up on the person you are meant to be.

Where To Go From Here

I don't know if I have shared my goal but it never hurts to say it out loud a few times. I think that helps me to own and embrace the number I have chosen; 165. It adds up to my favorite number...twelve. I am not exactly sure how I arrived at this number but I like it. It is ten pounds higher than where the WW peeps want me to be but this isn't really about what they want is it?

I have found in this journey that it worked better for me to set small "work on this for now kind of "goals than to set my goal at 165. I was starting at 319.6 pounds. The worst thing a person can do to themselves is set their mind into thinking about how far they have to go instead of how far they have already come. My mom used to tell me all the time that a journey only truly begins after that first step. It took me a long time to be ready for that first step.

The concept of me being inspiration for others is mind boggling but this is the way I look at it. If just one person reads my blog and my thoughts and feelings helps that one person to hung on one more day, one more meal,one more choice...it is more than worth it. I never spent much time dwelling on reaching goal. My plan lose 10% at a time. I have no more 10% losses left to attain. Only my goal awaits me now. As of this posting I have lost 137 pounds. 17.6 pounds is all that is left for me to conquer.

Never think that what you do can't make a difference. Every momemt, every experience has made me the person I am. I have accepted my short comings and I like me. Never give up on the person you are meant to be.

Oh you may be wondering where I plan on going from here. My short answer...out into my world to enjoy my life, my new confidence, to do whatever I can because I can.

Janie...

This post is a shout out for my WW leader. Her name is Janie. She is a small slip of a woman but can she pack a punch. I joined WW last March while Janie was doing duty as receptionist. Sometime last summer she took over as leader so the current leader could have Sundays off. I have to admit at first I was very hesitant about Janie's ability to take over. Not because of anything she lacked but because of my expectations as to what a leader is supposed to be.

I am happy to tell you that I was wrong. Janie is a great leader. She has unbridled enthusiasm for her people and her subject. She really wants you to succeed. Her lectures have been in my experience enlightening, informative and well just plain fun. She isn't afraid to play dress up or talk about tough subjects. She is always willing to stay after and chat about whatever it is that may be stunting your efforts at weight loss. She offers of herself and to me that is the most important of leader traits. She is involved so you can evolve.

Janie will be leaving as my leader sometime in June for bigger and better things in her life. I will miss you Janie. All my best wishes for you and yours...

Tough Choices

Sometimes life becomes too much of a routine. People do the same things day in and day out. They meet the same people, eat the same lunch as the day before, wear the same outfits...over and over like a bad movie. I have to say that sometimes I feel like Bill Murray in "Groundhog Day" almost like whatever I do just doesn't make a difference that I am stuck in the same groove of routine from the previous day.

I have been in the same job for 26 years...ZOWIE. I feel boxed in like there is nothing more for me to learn or enjoy at my job. The time is drawing near for me to unfurl my wings and see if I can fly. Some time back I went to school. I made the Presidents List. I graduated a year ago. I didn't look for a job in my field because of family commitments. Readers of this blog will know all about what I am referring to. For those of you who may have just stumbled across this blog, let me explain. Last year my mom passed away the week before I graduated from school. My dad was ill with some sort of illness related to his arthritis and I didn't get to put my resume out and about town because I am all my dad has. He has always stood by me in life and I just couldn't let him down.

Now what ? I have never been in so much distress over what I should do. I need to look for a new job not because I have to but because I need to. The people I work with are to accustomed to who they think I am. I don't know if any of you in blogland can understand how agonizing it is to be smarter than your job. I want to be that new girl at work. I want to feel nervous excitement again. The thrill of a mental challenge. I never believed in my abilities before. I am intelligent. I have value. I can contribute in ways yet untapped.

Weight loss has given me the faith in myself I once lost and so much more. My weight loss journey is coming to a close but I feel my life journey is about to turn in a different direction. I just have to take the chance. Believe,just believe. I know there is so much more out there for me to discover, to do, to be.

For My Mom

This post is for my mom.

Mother's Day is fast approaching and yup, I miss you. Since you passed Dad and I have learned to lean on each other. He really is a great guy. You chose well. Please know that he is well and I am doing my best to keep him healthy and happy. He misses you.

Casey girl misses you too. She starts barking at me as soon as my car pulls into the drive. She follows me around the house and hounds me for lovies. Casey's last birdie died shortly after you did. We went to the local pet shop and bought her two new parakeets. Dad and I named them Pops and Junie. Casey watches over them like they were her babies. I know you would just laugh to she her carry on with them.

I have stayed on my weight loss program just like I promised you I would. It hasn't always been easy but it has changed me in ways I cannot tell you. I am almost at goal. You would be so happy. This sure wasn't the way I envisioned wishing you a Happy Mother's Day. My truest wish for you is that wherever your soul flies you are happy, healthy, free and unfettered. 'Til we see each other again...love you.

Odd But True

I used to joke that I would give almost anything to be a happy medium. Odd but true I am a medium in most things I chose to wear that have that sort of size formula in place. If I could only learn to be happy. Perhaps it is not myself that needs to be happy and at peace it is those around me. Today once again someone I know only on the smallest of levels told me to stop dieting and actually asked me if I am ill !?! I have been trying to learn how to say thank you to people who say nice things to me about my efforts but I have to admit I had no idea what to say to this woman.

People say the weirdest stuff to me about what I am doing. Sometimes I really have to bite my tongue and just smile because really there is no response to accurately match the thoughts that storm my soul. I wish people could just relax around me. While I am on the subject why do people have the hardest time with the fact that I have changed? I am indeed different in many ways, yet I AM THE SAME. I still laugh at the same stupid things I laughed at before, I still hate the same things I disliked about life before. The thing that has changed is I have finally figured out that I don't have to accept less for myself than what I want or deserve. What's changed is I have finally learned what I am worth to the one that it matters most to...me.

Great things await discovery.

The Stress of Success

The stress of success. Not a topic readily discussed at WW. Perhaps people don't want to talk about such a thing but I do. I need to. I drive Shrek crazy with my uneasiness. As I have lost weight I have found myself floating in clothing that once choked me. At first that feeling is exhilarating but with time feelings of anger and fear and frustration also come. Nobody has told me how to deal with these emotions. I am in this boat with one oar, completely lost but I paddle on. I have gone on diets before and I have always jumped ship just as the horizon became visible in the distance. This time is different.

The difference is I want to reach that horizon. Why the fear? Why be frustrated and angry? I guess I didn't realize how much was involved with losing weight. I was so happy to be doing well that I didn't stop to think about how I would feel about needing to have smaller things to wear like every six weeks. Maybe what I really feel is overwhelmed. Currently I own more clothing that is too large for me to comfortably wear than things that fit.Thank goodness for friends and well meaning people who have come to my rescue with encouragement and clothing. I am ever so fortunate to have Shrek who keeps me calm and who is so much kinder to me than I am to myself. He is my rock. He chuckles at me when I get whiny about having to go out and buy new intimates once again. As he points out it is a bonus for him if I go without underwear...LOL.

As of this posting I have lost 133.8 pounds. I have just about 21 pounds left before I reach shore,let out my anchor and settle in. It will be nice to be in maintenance. To stay the same for an extended time and have time to adjust to the new me.

Where Everybody Knows Our Name

Shrek and I live in Worcester, Massachusetts. We have an assortment of restaurants just like most other cities. What makes a restaurant a favorite stopping place? The neighborhood place to go, the watering hole of choice? I can't answer for everyone else only myself. It is many factors. Quality and variety along with quantity of dish offered and decent prices make my top ten. Most importantly though is what I call the "it" factor. Most places Shrek and I go just don't have their finger on "it". The thing that makes their place The Place. The "it" is involvement with your clientele. Be in touch with what they need and want, success will follow. Joey's Bar and Grill located at 242 Mill Street in Worcester has "it". Everybody at Joey's knows our names. From the night hostess to the kitchen staff and waitresses.

Shrek and I frequent Joey's every week. Thursday nights to be exact. Our seating of choice; the bar. A favorite of mine to chat with the bar keep and watch the assortment of folks enter in search of a good nosh and some atmosphere. On Thursdays our bartender is Erika. She always greets Shrek and me by name and learned our bar orders by our second visit. She is very pleasant and an easy conversationalist.

I started my weight loss journey with the idea that I would have to give up things in order to achieve my goals. I was positive going out to restaurants was one of those things I would have to learn to live without. I couldn’t have been more mistaken. Could I order a salad with my meal instead of fries? Would it be okay to order the Joey's favorite salad with romaine lettuce instead of iceberg? Would it be possible to have honey mustard instead of mayo on my grilled chicken sandwich? I asked fully expecting to be told no. Sure thing was the first response with a smile. I asked for and got what I wanted. How cool. A restaurant willing to go the extra mile to make me a return customer. I have been returning ever since.

I look forward to going out to eat at Joey's every week. I feel that Joey's helps me to stay focused and on track. I have learned to have ordering confidence here, to be comfortable with asking if I can make a substitution because I need a healthier choice. Thank you for making me feel like I am your first priority.

Name Change... I think I have earned it.

To keep up with current events in my life I have tweaked the title page a little. I will still refer to this as Large Marge Chronicles. I feel funny calling myself Large Marge now because well ,while my attitude is larger than life my pant size is not. That just sounds so cool. It amazes me to no end that I have come this far. I must make sure that I stay focused and not get lost or caught up in the euphoria of success. There is still quite a way for me to go before I reach goal. Sometimes it is tough for me not to get ahead of myself. I forget what it is that I am trying to accomplish.

Looking Ahead to Goal

In all the time that I have been posting about my weight loss journey I have never talked about failing. How I would write about and handle it never crossed my thoughts. I am in no way, shape or form perfect. I am human with realtime emotions that sometimes betray me. I worry. All the time. It is one of my traits that I despise but I have come to accept it as a part of what makes the bigger picture of me work. All the while I have been authoring this blog I have worried. Worried that someone would think that I have found the secret path to skinnyland and that I would make it unscathed. Surprise ! Not true. I stumble. I fall. Sometimes I come dangerously close to throwing my hands up in the air, declaring myself finished with WW and eating an entire bucket of extra crispy!!! I think about failing on purpose. I believe that if I allow myself to fail it could mean the end of my life.

Failing is not what I really want. I find that every single time I am not completely honest with myself about how I feel or how someone or a situatuion makes me feel I overeat. I guess I haven't spent much time discussing failure because I don't want to fail. I promised myself that this time was for me. That this time around it would be the last time for me. I try to have fun along my way. Sometimes I let my emotions and daily problems eat at me and so in turn I eat. To my credit I right my canoe and paddle on.

I worry that my journey has changed me in ways that I am not ready for. I worry somehow I am not going to be able to maintain my weight loss or that my hubby will suddenly not love me anymore because I am not the same girl he married. My mother used to say that I could "what if" myself to death...I drive myself crazy. I can only imagine what effect I have on others.

It is tough being honest with myself. I have not been ready to move toward goal. I have been afraid of the unknown factor...me. Can I do it? Do I want to do it? I haven't been in normal sizes since I was fifteen years old. I need to teach myself to relax. I am so used to letting myself down that I don't know how to accept that I have picked myself up. I have reached the critical part of my journey, the part where I live happily ever after if I will just let myself get there. I find myself uncertain as to how to proceed. I am guessing by putting one foot in front of the other until I am there.

The Last Stretch of Road

I find myself along that last stretch of road. I feel like I am running the Boston Marathon and heartbreak hill rolls out in front of me. The wind is blowing in my face instead of at my back and I must tell you that I am very tired. I am at that point; do I press on, push myself to go on and finish the race or do I pull over and catch my breath?

I have struggled all week with this. I need to be at maintenance. I am getting nervous about the "losing points"to keep losing weight concept. As it is right now I am hungry and let me tell you there just are not that many one point food items in the world. I have no idea how I am going to make it over that next rise in the road but I will not give up. I will make my goal ! I do not care how long it takes me. I will make it. So tighten those seatbelts and keep your hands inside the ride!

Forgive, move on

I did something this past week that I was sure I would never be able to do...I forgave someone who hurt me to my core. It was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. I wanted to hang onto this hatred. Real bright idea, right? I am sure you know, my anger and resentment sat on my soul like an elephant in high heels. I lied to myself about how comfortable I was with this elephant stepping all over my soul. It is always easier to believe a lie you tell yourself, if you just repeat the lie enough. I was doing fine...but it was starting to keep me up at night. I would toss and turn as that damned elephant's heels would poke me in the ribs or jab me in the head or maybe that is why my butt hurts me. It is not from weight loss but from that stupid pachyderm.

I like to think that my parents did a decent job raising me. I am a good person. I have been through a lot in my life (and really who hasn't?). Listen, if life didn't throw rocks at you you wouldn't learn to catch or field. I made a promise to myself that I would actively work on the issues that fueled my need to feed. I feel that to date I have been doing a fairly decent job of it. I want to continue on my journey without unnecessary burdens. I needed to make peace with this issue and the person who I was angry with before I found myself using food to cope with the stress.


Never forget that when you say something or you do something to someone the incident may become muted with time and the words may lose their power but how you made that person feel never goes away. A paraphrase from Maya Angelou...thank you Miss Angelou. I needed to find a place within myself to forget how small and damaged this person made me feel. It is amazing how in the span of a few words a person can either build you up or shred you. I hung onto my anger in the hope that someday I could return "the favor" and make this same person feel as small and as damaged as she had made me feel. Funny but it seems that life did that for me.


Never for a moment assume that you know someone else's pain because you don't.


I am handling the situation in the best way I can. I sort of spoke my piece to this person and as of now we are at peace. Only time will lead this story to its ultimate conclusion whatever that may be. Learn by example. Forgive, move on...that's what my mom would have done. I am learning.

My Posse?

Just thought I'd drop a couple of lines about the growth of my posse at WW. It seems that more than a few people I know have decided to join WW. Yippee!! Not-so-LargeMarge jumping up and down!!! Most of these peeps also go to the same meeting I attend. On some levels it is so flippin' cool that I have inspired a few folks to take positive action to change their destiny. On other levels I have never felt so uncomfortable and sort of unnerved.

I still stumble. I even fall but don't we all? I am just done with failing. I am fighting harder to win. I am working on being proactive instead of reactive. I am learning to do other things with the emotions that helped me to become the LargeMarge I once pushed around. I am the only one who made me fat. The only person who ever "force fed" me was...? yeah, that would be me. I think that somewhere along this journey I figured out that I needed to accept responsibility for my bad choices.

Don't misunderstand me... I just don't want to let anyone down; myself included. I am a little worried that you lovely folks, and I mean this in a positive way, think that I have all the answers. You would be categorically wrong! I hope that my success has given you enough faith in your OWN abilities to forge on and drop the pounds that keep you from being the best version of yourself. I gladly and willingly will assist in any way I can. Even if it is too just hold your hand and be as supportive as you have always been with me friend.

To those who have joined me, Welcome. The road is long and sometimes fraught with unknown dangers but fear not for we are not alone. We have each other and together we can do great things. Look forward to the challenges! They will make impressive stories for when we are old.

One Year

I did it ! I managed to go to WW for a full year. In that time I have lost 122.6 pounds. I can proudly say that I have adopted a new way of thinking about food, about myself and about how I want to live. I am not always successful with my choices which shows at the scale. Now I try to learn from those experiences and think of them as stepping stones not as roadblocks. I used to be a very negative person and it showed itself in my appearance.

I have taught myself to stop and think before I eat something. I ask myself am I feeding myself or am I feeding a feeling. I am an emotional eater. A trick I learned from my mother. I never allowed myself to entertain the thought that I could learn to not self medicate with food. Thinking about that now I realize that I never gave myself a chance. I gave up running the race before I left the starting block.

Why me? my favorite cry. Why me? Why me? Well, why NOT me? It is mind boggling to me that I spent so much time talking bad about myself to myself. I don't know if I think it is more amusing to me or saddening that I used to believe all the crap I told myself. If I had only learned my worth earlier in life. Then again if I hadn't been on this journey I might not have learned so much about myself. I am a power to be reckoned with. I can achieve great things if I am willing to put in the time and effort to attain the things I want. I proved this to myself. The possibilties are endless. Just believe.

I have not told my leader yet but I think I want my lifetime goal to be 165 pounds. I will have to get a note from my doctor as this weight is a good 10 pounds heavier than WW wants me to maintain but I am not a 20's something anymore and hubby loves me just as I am. I have no need to be a hard body I just wish to be comfortable in my own skin.

Fat Girl Jumping !!!

Shrek and I bowl on a summer candelpin league. I used to make this little funny visual about jumping up and down whenever I would land a strike (once) or a spare (a few times). I would stand in place, scrunch down a bit at the waist and then quickly thrust my hands over my head and yell, " Yeah! fat girl jumping!!" all the while never actually lifting off the floor. It dawned on me this Sunday at my WW meeting that I won't be able to make this funny anymore. I have finally made it out of the 200's! I think it is fair to say I fall into a different category now not sexy perhaps but definately not fat girl anymore!

I have not as yet set my goal at WW. When I started my task seemed so improbable. Now I feel confident that I can complete my journey. Once upon a time I had something like 160 pounds to lose, now I have approximately 40 pounds; my task is no easier. In order to keep succeeding I can never stop working on me. Life changes and challenges you every day, so I say BRING IT ON! Never give up on the person you are meant to be.

The Subject of Tomorrow

It used to be that I couldn't wait for tomorrow. The close of each day meant a new beginning...tomorrow. Tomorrow always brought me hope one more chance to get things right; my diet, my checkbook, my love life. I used to take tomorrow for granted. It will always be there, tomorrow. How could I have been so wrong?

All of my tomorrows changed May 15, 2004 with the passing of my kid sister. We had been through hell and back, her and I. Survivors, best friends, and sisters. We lived our lives in the best way we knew how. Thinking back there were days, memories now, we tried like hell to hold on to…that first kiss from a boy, Christmas mornings, birthdays…now only my secrets, my lies, and my truths remain. We can’t share “remember when” anymore. I wait for tomorrow uncertain of what awaits. Gone is that level of nervous excitement, replaced with the knowledge that all of my tomorrows are mirrored repeats of the days gone by since she passed.

How does a lifetime disappear in the flash of a moment? What were her last thoughts? Questions that can never be answered haunt me. We had just spoken at 5:40 p.m. the night before, how could she be dead? It just couldn’t be true. I awaken. It is still dark enough in my room that for a moment I am not sure I am alone. In my haze I call out, “Breny?” There will be no answer and that makes me sad. My pillow is wet from the tears I shed in my sleep. Quietly I slip out of bed and make my way into the darkness of the living room. Another night I don’t sleep. Sadness, tears, and memories keep me from sleeping.

She arrived February 6, 1967, and I was sure she belonged to me. How wonderful of my parents to have brought me a kid sister to play with! I don’t think I can remember a time when she wasn’t with me. I was the big sister. I took my job seriously. I taught her to read and write before she was in kindergarten. I protected her from school bullies. I taught her to ride a bike, climb trees, bake a cake, and play jacks.

She was the Ying to my Yang. We helped each other to survive childhood. We were more than sisters; we were friends. Breny used to say, “sisters by birth, friends by choice.” I often find myself wondering if she knows how much I miss her. I plod along, I try to find my way without her, and often I am afraid. My life will never be the same.

Tomorrow is her birthday...

A Woman's Angst

Okay Clothing Gods what gives? Has it escaped your tiny little fashionista brains that the sizes you throw at woman are at best difficult to understand let alone navigate? Example; if you pick up a pair of mens jeans off the rack the label might read w33 L 30. This means that the waist is 33 inches and the inseam is 30 inches. A perfect fit if this happens to be your size. A womans size 30/32 means she is a qualified Larger Marge (at the end of size availibility) and there are no inches involved because clothing of this size usually just drapes the wearer.I used to wear this size so I know what I am talking about. I would lie about what I was wearing because I didn't want anyone to know just how much my girth had grown. Why is there no uniformitty for womens sizes? I am currently in 3 or 4 different sizes yet when you hold them up to each other they are all about the same so why...I mean I like mens jeans but I should be able to buy my own size in girl clothes right off the rack and not have to spend half of my Saturday off from work trying on every flipping pair in the store to find the ONE that will fit just the way I want!

People wonder why women/girls have such a hard time with body image.

Sundays

Sundays...so many things about Sundays that I never used to enjoy. The end of my weekend. The return to routine. Sleeping late and then feeling like I had to race around all day just to get things done for the upcoming week. It used to take me the entire weekend to recuperate from a week's worth of working. Pretty sad, right? This time last year I had not made my choice to grab my life back. I weighed 319.6 pounds. I felt like crap. In all honesty I was an accident waiting to happen. A stroke or a heart attack sat lurking in the shadows.

Funny thing about me...when I am upset I cry in the shower. I cry there because dear sweet Shrek is certain that it is his sole responsibility to make me happy, to see to all my needs. I cry in the shower so he can't feel my pain. I dug the hole I crawled into with food. I taught myself to soothe my ego with Twinkies . If I was ever going to dig out of that food hole, I had to do for me, my way, by myself. Shrek couldn't do this for me.

Along came Jadi. She approached me last year about joining Weight Watchers. She has only ever known me overweight. She was interested in losing some lingering after baby weight and she had heard my gripes about my size and other concerns for awhile. I am sure that I paid her some lip service that I thought she wanted to hear. I had no intention of joining WW. I had gone that road before and after losing a generous amount of weight I always put back whatever I had struggled to lose and then some.

Along came Sunday. It was the last Sunday that free registration was being offered at WW until summer. The date, March 4, 2007. As I recall the evening before Jadi called me and asked me if I was going in the morning. Oh, she was calling my bluff! I hemmed. I hawed. I asked her to check online about meetings and times. I made the decision to go to the very first meeting the next day, Sunday, so I could go waste $12 and tell myself that I at least made the attempt at changing my life. I promised to pick her up...I sealed the deal. I would be there.

It was the Sunday that changed my life. I can't recall now what was said at that first meeting. I only remember that I left there thinking that this was the time. This time it would be different. I would be different. I left thinking that my possibilities were endless.

Sundays...so many things about Sundays that I enjoy. So many things to look forward to. I plan my weekends around Sundays now. If Shrek and I are going out Saturday night my first questions, "will I be able to get to my meeting in the morning? should I call Jadi and make alternate plans to go Monday?" Most every Sunday after I pick up Jadi, we travel to our neighborhood Dunkin' Donuts to secure the Elixir of the Gods before we journey down the street and go to our meeting. There are two very nice Albanian ladies that work at our coffee stop. Without fail every week they ask us if we will be having donuts with our "juice" and they can't help but break into big smiles for they already know the answer to their query, " no, thank you, way too many points ." Better luck next time...

At our meeting there are people I can't wait to see...not for the success or failure of their week but for their smiles and attitude and acceptance. I look forward to Sunday because of them. We are all on the same journey. They renew my soul and help me to stay on track so I can reach my goals. Sundays...

Following the Yellow Brick Road

Being on a weight loss journey is a lot like following the Yellow Brick Road. When I started out I was uncertain of my footing and not quite sure where the road would lead. What are the risks? Should I pack extra goodies or will the road provide for me? Do I have the Stuff to make it to the Emerald City...the Promised Land?


In The Wizard of Oz when Dorothy and her pals emerge from the dark forest this little ditty plays"You're out of the woods, You're out of the dark, You're out of the night.Step into the sun, Step into the light.Keep straight ahead for the most glorious place On the Face of the Earth or the sky.Hold onto your breath, Hold onto your heart, Hold onto your hope.March up to the gate and bid it open. It is called the Optimistic Voices track. This song has been playing in my head ever since I started writing this blog. I am ready to march up to the gate...and bid it open.

It is okay to grasp the fate that awaits you. I work on my goals and myself everyday . I feel so much more alive than I have in a long, long time. I had an idea of improving my quality of life. I took that idea, I believed in myself and I joined WW. I have always tried to maintain an optimistic approach to losing weight. I have tried anger and negativity in my lifetime and all it has ever given me in return is misery times two.

Along my road I have met such wonderful and caring people. I have forged new friendships. I have grown as a human being; I am a better person from this experience. The trip has been worth every painful, exciting, tense,moment. I learned that I do have the Stuff to make the journey.

As of this posting I have lost 118.4 pounds. I no longer fight for breath. I have a giant selection of clothing stores I can now shop from. I fit in booths at restaurants. I have turned my life around for the better because I AM WORTH IT AND I DESERVE TO BE HAPPY. Never stop believing in the person you are meant to be.

Hope is but a spark of a dream not yet realized. Guard this spark with care for it will become the Flame that lights your life.