In all the time that I have been posting about my weight loss journey I have never talked about failing. How I would write about and handle it never crossed my thoughts. I am in no way, shape or form perfect. I am human with realtime emotions that sometimes betray me. I worry. All the time. It is one of my traits that I despise but I have come to accept it as a part of what makes the bigger picture of me work. All the while I have been authoring this blog I have worried. Worried that someone would think that I have found the secret path to skinnyland and that I would make it unscathed. Surprise ! Not true. I stumble. I fall. Sometimes I come dangerously close to throwing my hands up in the air, declaring myself finished with WW and eating an entire bucket of extra crispy!!! I think about failing on purpose. I believe that if I allow myself to fail it could mean the end of my life.
Failing is not what I really want. I find that every single time I am not completely honest with myself about how I feel or how someone or a situatuion makes me feel I overeat. I guess I haven't spent much time discussing failure because I don't want to fail. I promised myself that this time was for me. That this time around it would be the last time for me. I try to have fun along my way. Sometimes I let my emotions and daily problems eat at me and so in turn I eat. To my credit I right my canoe and paddle on.
I worry that my journey has changed me in ways that I am not ready for. I worry somehow I am not going to be able to maintain my weight loss or that my hubby will suddenly not love me anymore because I am not the same girl he married. My mother used to say that I could "what if" myself to death...I drive myself crazy. I can only imagine what effect I have on others.
It is tough being honest with myself. I have not been ready to move toward goal. I have been afraid of the unknown factor...me. Can I do it? Do I want to do it? I haven't been in normal sizes since I was fifteen years old. I need to teach myself to relax. I am so used to letting myself down that I don't know how to accept that I have picked myself up. I have reached the critical part of my journey, the part where I live happily ever after if I will just let myself get there. I find myself uncertain as to how to proceed. I am guessing by putting one foot in front of the other until I am there.
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