Challenges

Challenges everyone has them. It is how you handle them that sets you apart. I have been back on course since last Sunday. My challenge this week is Shrek's yearly convention. It is a gaming con. One with peoples of various sizes, shapes and levels of cleanliness. No, I am not kidding. I always find this gathering of the masses stressful. It allows me to step away from my home(safe) environs for a hotel room with mini kitchen. In the past it actually meant a nonstop eat fest.  I mean it is easier to go out and capture prepared food then to actually make food. Great excuse but bad idea for a recovering food addict. I don't know why but almost all of a sudden I don't care about the junk food anymore. I am in a better mood when I make better choices. Shrek is one smart ogre.

I needed to put more of myself into my efforts. You know not just show up but dig in, participate.

...And Then He Kissed Me

Up the three flights of stairs I go not at all happy about what the day may hold. Sundays can be very hectic for me and I know  my hubby is hard at work writing for his sports page. I am supposed to be as quiet as a church mouse ( nearly impossible for ME of the Big Mouthed Clan).  Imagine how surprised I was when Shrek met me at the door. "so how much did you lose?" I am pretty sure my look said it all; and that's when it happened, my hubby hugged me and said," I want you to try to do better and make better choices. You are happiest when you are doing the things you want to do." Okay not the exact words I am sure but I was shocked nonetheless. I nearly cried. What we do and say has an effect on others. My hubby has always been supportive of whatever I undertake from losing weight to skydiving. I know I am lucky. The support thingy doesn't work both ways. I am horrible at it. I admit it. I try, but mostly, I fail him. Huge character flaw. Good thing I am cute and he loves me.

I feel lost. This new program seems easy enough yet I struggle. The common sense part of my brain tells me that every food has a value and needs to be counted in some way but the foodie in me jumps up and down yelling,"yippee bananas are FREE!"  I have spent a good portion of my life counting calories and fats. Now all of that has been thrown to the gutter and a new formula given. It feels like learning to stop my car at a green light and go on a red. What the crap!?! I sense DOOM.

{inhale, hold it for a count of 3,exhale} Okay, deal. Life is an ever changing process. I will track. I will try. I will triumph.

On Being Anonymous

When I first started this blog I didn't want anyone in my life to know I was writing about the crap in my head,or the things in and around my life. Great idea on paper except, I was born with a BIG mouth. Some people now know what I do. It makes journaling a little tougher but it keeps me honest.

I hate that as of late I don't seem to be able to sustain my weight- losing journey. My head is not in the game; hasn't been for a long time. See the cool thing about being anonymous is no one can hold you accountable for your successes or failures. As soon as  someone close to you sees around the fences you have put up, the show changes.

 People look to me for inspiration.  People look up to me. It is very overwhelming. I am glad that I can stand as an example of "she did it so can I" but I have more questions than answers. I have stopped dealing with the demons that made me eat in the first place. Losing weight changes many things in a person's life not just the size of their underpants. I find it a bit perplexing that weight loss programs(WW and the like)waste so much attention on shedding the pounds but little on coming to terms with the issues that made you a Large Marge in the first place. I have yet to meet a fat person who is fat just because they love to eat. Anyone who says that is full of horse pucky. Most overweight people have an emotional need to feed. It is our drug of choice.

The demons in my head use circular logic; a self-perpetuating cycle of shame and punishment I fall into whenever I feel that I have fallen short of something I set out to accomplish. I am having stress, so I make bad choices which make me feel sorry for myself which causes me more stress which....and the cycle continues. I made this choice. I put aside what I know I should do and took up the side dish.
Why? I have a few thoughts rolling around about it. I refrain from putting them here because I know in my heart they are just excuses. I am trying my best to avoid myself. I am losing this battle. No matter where I run I am right there, kind of like a puppy chasing its tail.