I Lost My Spot in Line.

It doesn't matter how old I get, how long I try, how many times I throw in the towel. I still have things to learn. I have this nagging voice in my head that keeps urging me forward to a better me. I am no different than most people in life that you know and love. Only my life experiences and memories make me different. We all laugh, we all love, we all cry. I think you get my drift.

Why is it I believe or have unwavering faith in someone else's abilities but not my own. I let the crap in life clog my efforts. I have been so busy feeling sorry for myself that I lost my spot in line. I have been spending most of my time feeling frustrated and aggravated by the things going on around me. I should have learned some sort of coping mechanism, besides stuffing my face, by now. Everyone who lives has some sort of struggle in life. I am addicted to food. I jokingly said this morning at WW that I wish it had been anything else like shoes or booze or porn. Those things can be given up. The yearning for those things may always be just on the edge of giving into their attraction but most addictions have one thing in common; an addict can live without their company.

Food has it's own unique evil. I have yet to meet anybody who can just walk away and live happily ever after without it. I like my food piled high with emotion. Seriously I feel so much more emotionally if I add a heaping serving of whatever I can stuff in my face. Yeah, not true so why is it always my first gut reaction? Self-loathing I feel is the true answer. No one I know can lie to me like I can. No one can tear down my self-esteem as fast as I can or as skillfully. It's sad.

I am sure the human mind is wired strangely. A person will remember a slap across the face far longer than a kiss on the cheek. Bad over good. I have gained back some of the weight I have worked so hard to get off. I am responsible for my bad behaviors, bad choices, bad moods. There is no amount of "good tasting " food that can get me back my place in line. Realizing I can do it, believing in myself is something for me to discover. I can do this, I want to do it. The journey to gaol is mine to follow. You may join me on the road but you can not have my place.

Never give up on the person you are meant to be. Sometimes I forget but I never give up.