Something Worth Posting

Often I start a post and then change my mind. I was cleaning out my old Word documents and I found this one I never posted. I have reread it and I like it so I am posting it now.


So It’s Been A While…
I haven’t blogged in some time now. More than a few of you may be wondering what’s up with me and then again maybe not. I’d like to be candid with you but the truth is I am not certain what to say. I am in a funk. I have not felt like chatting up the general population.
It eats at my soul and won’t let me rest. I have fought my way to the top of the hill. I can see that more road lies ahead of me. I am weary. I won’t let me trust myself. I often say that everyone who lives has something to battle. I wish with all of my being that I was not addicted to food. When I am behaving and doing well there is nothing of this Earth that can compare to the rush that I feel; the downside is the crash. The crash is the thing that I am having the hardest time wrestling with lately. I hold myself in check not wanting to cross the finish line. Foolishly I hang onto the FAT GIRL I was. As if by putting that part of myself away I will stop being who I think I am.


Self-hatred is the most damaging thing there is. I hate myself for things that are intangible and only have meaning to me. There is nothing specific just some bullshit that I hold onto to.
A flame unattended will either flare up or burn out. So it is best to attend to that which makes you burn for the things you want to accomplish. I know that I started this journey with a small belief in myself. Slowly and with a lot of hard work belief in myself grew. I am hanging in there. Life, if you are wise enough to live it, is a great thing. For too many years in the recent past I didn’t live my life and I am sad to say that I was so deep into the feed the face thing that I missed out on most of my youth.

On this journey I have learned that I have staying power. I CAN do anything I set my mind too. I started on this path more than a year ago. In that time I have lost over 140 pounds. Sometimes I just forget all the things that I have gained from this trip.
I know that sounds odd but if you lose weight the right way you gain so much more from the drive. No price can be put on self-esteem or the pride I have in myself for adapting new ways of thinking and living. Sure I still get it wrong sometimes but I get it right way more often.

I Got One

I found a dress. One I feel I can live with that hides most of my flaws. One battlefield conquered a few more fields to cross...like shoeland and cute little purseland. Oh Happy day.

Reconciliation

Today I went dress shopping. Friends of ours are getting married July 4th. I thought that the chances of it being hot on that day might make a dress a good choice. Yeah....wrong. I went to Kohl's, Lane Bryant, Burlington Coat. While I am on the subject of shopping I got the look today. That look that heavy girls shoot out at women they believe shouldn't be in stores for "fat girls". I wasn't sure it was aimed at me until the second time it was sent my way followed by a digusted,"tsk,tsk,tsk." Odd for me to be on the other side of that fence.


I still have not reconciled myself to the fact that I do not like the way my body looks. I am disapponted. I am not heavy anymore. I exercise and yet my body is not pretty. I hate to look at myself without clothes. I hate trying to buy clothes that hide the empty skin that hangs. Mind you I don't have layers and layers of skin to camouflage but for real it makes me sad to look at the way I have left my vessel of beauty.


Deep under the layers of my fat lived a girlie girl. I wanted to move past the image I had of myself and embrace the true me; the beautiful one. Self-acceptance it seems is the longest journey of all.