Salad Not Pie

I have been living the new program. I guess I am doing OK as I am now at 29 pts/day until I reach goal. I am down 9.8 pounds. My clothes are starting to fit better. I feel better. I want to succeed not just for myself. I want this for ALL the Large Marge's out there trapped in bodies that don't reflect who they are. I want to prove that belief in one's own power is the greatest gift you can have for yourself.

I try to live my life with no regrets but I have some. I regret that it took the loss of my sister and my mother to spur me into action. My whole life I have chased the dream of acceptance. Yet I am the one who can't let go(of the garbage in my life), accept and move on. I regret not going to college, getting a degree, acquiring the job I always wanted.

My mother used to say,"the journey of a thousand miles starts with the first step." I am on the roadtrip of my life with this one. It is time to put the regrets to bed for good. Every day that you wake up is a gift; a new chance to pick yourself up and try again. Don't discard your day. Do something positive with it. Share a smile, call a friend, visit your parents.

Use the day, this day to do something positive for you. Choose a salad skip the pie just for this day. If I can just remember not to forget what a power I can be I will be fine. Never give up on the person you are meant to be.

Starting Over It's Okay It Happens

Life has a way of turning a person over on their ass cheeks. Life doesn't ask although sometimes it does warn you. 10/12/08 I weighed in at my WW meeting. The scale read back 174 for a total weight loss of 145.6 pounds! ...and then the fear set in. I let it persuade me away from my goal of 165. Fear, friend and foe. To have a little Fear can be a good thing. She can forewarn of danger or keep you from doing something foolish. I hate Fear and her evil twin Doubt. I have let them push me into corners and make decision for my life that I have lived to regret. I am convinced that Failure is just around the corner smoking cigarettes waiting for Fear to be done with her job so he can take over, put a sharpened stick into my soul and be done with me once and for all.

05/22/11 I weighed in at my WW meeting. The scale read back 217.8. ZOWIE!! Yes, that is what I thought. How did that happen? Well that is what happens when you let Fear and Failure drive you. I stopped being careful.  I stopped exercising. I  stopped trying. I started buying into my own lies.
I need to start over. I have never allowed myself to be a success. I am a self-saboteur. My biggest fault/flaw is that I stop believing in "my happy ending." It is counterproductive. I want more for me, from me. I want to be the best example of myself not the worst.

Starting over will be a good thing for me. I have asked Fear and Failure to leave me alone. I have put in a request for that winning team Confidence and Success. Who knows if I put in the work, have enough faith and patience maybe I can affect the change in my life I so desparately want.

Far and Awry

Once upon a thirty odd years ago I was a young girl who yearned to be an adult. I finally got my wish one day when that sneaky mistress we all call Time slipped in through a weakness in my foundation. I have been looking for the throwback switch ever since. Why didn't I hold onto that magical time when everything was just out of reach but reachable? Why did I think that being a grownup was the goal to sprint for?

People often form the wrong idea about who I am. I know that I am to blame. I enjoy being somewhat of a mystery. Sometimes though I fool myself. Have you just ever wanted to walk away from your life? Why is it that when I am mired down by life I feel it right away? yet I am unable to recognize all the things in my life that are great just the way they are.  I am sure I am not alone in those thoughts. I have a good life but I suffer from the grass is greener syndrome. I jump to the conclusion that people around me have it easier or nicer or better or more fulfilling. I feel my soul turn green with envy.I worry that someday the Grim Reaper will alight on my doorstep and only then will I realize that I wasted all those years not knowing I was happy. You can't get back what you have thrown away.

Stop throwing your life away. Lose faith and you lose everything.


Never give up on the person you are meant to be.

Challenges

Challenges everyone has them. It is how you handle them that sets you apart. I have been back on course since last Sunday. My challenge this week is Shrek's yearly convention. It is a gaming con. One with peoples of various sizes, shapes and levels of cleanliness. No, I am not kidding. I always find this gathering of the masses stressful. It allows me to step away from my home(safe) environs for a hotel room with mini kitchen. In the past it actually meant a nonstop eat fest.  I mean it is easier to go out and capture prepared food then to actually make food. Great excuse but bad idea for a recovering food addict. I don't know why but almost all of a sudden I don't care about the junk food anymore. I am in a better mood when I make better choices. Shrek is one smart ogre.

I needed to put more of myself into my efforts. You know not just show up but dig in, participate.

...And Then He Kissed Me

Up the three flights of stairs I go not at all happy about what the day may hold. Sundays can be very hectic for me and I know  my hubby is hard at work writing for his sports page. I am supposed to be as quiet as a church mouse ( nearly impossible for ME of the Big Mouthed Clan).  Imagine how surprised I was when Shrek met me at the door. "so how much did you lose?" I am pretty sure my look said it all; and that's when it happened, my hubby hugged me and said," I want you to try to do better and make better choices. You are happiest when you are doing the things you want to do." Okay not the exact words I am sure but I was shocked nonetheless. I nearly cried. What we do and say has an effect on others. My hubby has always been supportive of whatever I undertake from losing weight to skydiving. I know I am lucky. The support thingy doesn't work both ways. I am horrible at it. I admit it. I try, but mostly, I fail him. Huge character flaw. Good thing I am cute and he loves me.

I feel lost. This new program seems easy enough yet I struggle. The common sense part of my brain tells me that every food has a value and needs to be counted in some way but the foodie in me jumps up and down yelling,"yippee bananas are FREE!"  I have spent a good portion of my life counting calories and fats. Now all of that has been thrown to the gutter and a new formula given. It feels like learning to stop my car at a green light and go on a red. What the crap!?! I sense DOOM.

{inhale, hold it for a count of 3,exhale} Okay, deal. Life is an ever changing process. I will track. I will try. I will triumph.

On Being Anonymous

When I first started this blog I didn't want anyone in my life to know I was writing about the crap in my head,or the things in and around my life. Great idea on paper except, I was born with a BIG mouth. Some people now know what I do. It makes journaling a little tougher but it keeps me honest.

I hate that as of late I don't seem to be able to sustain my weight- losing journey. My head is not in the game; hasn't been for a long time. See the cool thing about being anonymous is no one can hold you accountable for your successes or failures. As soon as  someone close to you sees around the fences you have put up, the show changes.

 People look to me for inspiration.  People look up to me. It is very overwhelming. I am glad that I can stand as an example of "she did it so can I" but I have more questions than answers. I have stopped dealing with the demons that made me eat in the first place. Losing weight changes many things in a person's life not just the size of their underpants. I find it a bit perplexing that weight loss programs(WW and the like)waste so much attention on shedding the pounds but little on coming to terms with the issues that made you a Large Marge in the first place. I have yet to meet a fat person who is fat just because they love to eat. Anyone who says that is full of horse pucky. Most overweight people have an emotional need to feed. It is our drug of choice.

The demons in my head use circular logic; a self-perpetuating cycle of shame and punishment I fall into whenever I feel that I have fallen short of something I set out to accomplish. I am having stress, so I make bad choices which make me feel sorry for myself which causes me more stress which....and the cycle continues. I made this choice. I put aside what I know I should do and took up the side dish.
Why? I have a few thoughts rolling around about it. I refrain from putting them here because I know in my heart they are just excuses. I am trying my best to avoid myself. I am losing this battle. No matter where I run I am right there, kind of like a puppy chasing its tail.

This One's For You

Often when I blog I talk about people yet don't mention them by name. It is my way of protecting the innocent just like on TV. Sometimes; however, people need to see themselves in my world. I have to admit  the longer I was away from my Sunday meeting the more I missed some of the very people who laughed with me, cried with me and helped me. One morning as I sat in my livingroom early this December I saw an email from Nancy (hi) asking after my general welfare. It made me smile and wax sentimental for the ladies I friended at that early morning meeting. I had been thinking about tucking tail and going back to base camp to reunite with my travel companions. That email sealed the deal.

Nancy's mom, Irene has been an active member of WW for almost 40 years. I am pretty sure her week feels off if she misses a meeting. She is there every Sunday even though she only has to officially weigh-in once a month. She doesn't know it but she is my hero. I aspire to be like her. I want to be the one who inspires someone to want more for themselves.

With friends by your side anything is possible. Thank you Sunday morning meeting people. I am happy to be back amongst friends where I belong.

Wednesday Words of Wisdom

In all the time that I have been blogging my journey did I ever mention that I went through a very dark scary space of time? I was very depressed not so much about my weight but about life. I didn't understand why I still had my life but my kidsister didn't. My kidsister died in a car accident May 2004. I was miserable to be around and hated everything and everyone. I seriously contemplated committing suicide. I was tired of settling for the lies I sold to myself. I just wanted the pain to stop. I thought about all that Brenda meant to me, how sad she would've have been if I gave up. I thought about my parents and my hubby. I chose to take charge of my life, accept responsibility for my failures, move on.

I taught myself as a kid to overeat as a way of self-medicating to deal with painful issues, to deal with loneliness, to deal with the dysfunction in my family. I am not sure what tipped my hand that first time toward the Twinkies or what was so appealing about stuffing myself until I felt as if I would be sick. Food has a hold over my soul that I struggle to overcome.  I watched my mother struggling with her own self-esteem my whole life. I know she was never confident in her own strengths. I am not sure if she ever came to terms with her issues.

The journey I chose to set out on is not an easy one; definately not for the faint of heart but worth it in the long run. I don't always make the right choices but I never give up. I want to reach goal. I want to be able to say I am in it for the long haul. I made that leap of faith in myself and am better for it. I have struggled  this week and I know that come Sunday when I go for weigh-in most likely it will reflect my lack of effort. Live, Learn, Let Go but keep moving towards something better... and the band plays on.

Frozen Entrees

My alarm is blaring. We got in late last night after a hockey game. I set that blasted thing so I wouldn't miss my WW meeting. I flip the covers off and back on with lightning speed. Holy amounts of Mercury it is freezing in my room. I made a promise to myself that if I went back to Sunday meetings I was going to try not to miss. I sit up and stretch to silence the clock before dear hubby stirs. I lie back down and pick up one of our cats from the corner of our bed and put her on my chest. The purring is nice and she is furry and warm. I begin to doze but the nagging "you have to go" notion is floating in my semi-conscientious state. I made a promise to myself.

I am not looking forward to going out in the cold. This weekend is supposed to be record setting. I layer up and head out. My Jeep groans as I start the engine. The temperature gauge on my dash glows 8 degrees. Crap 8? really? I stop at my local coffee shop and by the time I reach my meeting 5 miles away it has gone cold. UGH, but I am keeping my promise.

It is almost too cold to go out but I braved it. I have the idea that I just might be the only one who ventures out. My favorite weigh-in guy is there as is a roomful of my fellow WW friends. I guess I am not the only brave one. I am keeping my promise. I lost again this week, down 2.6 pounds. Sundays are for me :)

Hope Floats

I tried the new Points Plus program at WW last week. I did not track on paper. Instead I used the nifty little foodie calculator I paid $5.95 for. I love it. I had grown tired of tracking every morsel on paper. I firmly believe that if this program is supposed to carry me through the rest of my life then it needs to be more user friendly. The little foodie calculator let's me figure out food points and decide wether or not to spend their value.I like that fruit is now free. I hated the idea of skipping a banana or other favorite fruit in oder to SAVE points for foods that the human body needs in order to function. In truth it never made sense to me that fruit and veggies became limited. While I agree that stuffing yourself on fruits and veggies is also unwise I am less likely to do that. I have never had a problem with foods that are healthy for me, silly.  Thanks to the WW scientists for getting your heads out of your butts :)

I now feel like I have a method to overcome and survive the difficult path of choices (less crap in equals better quality of life without). I am more likely to stick to this program knowing that when hunger rings the doorbell in my tummy I can secure the entrance with things I like and enjoy. Best of all there will be no GUILT over it. I call that a WIN win...and by the way I lost 4.2 pounds.

On Showing Up

I could have easily rolled over and turned off the alarm clock. I got out of bed. I could have easily blamed Saturday night's snow. I got ready. I am a reluctant participant in my own life. Screwed up, right? You don't need to agree with me I know the truth. I drove across the city. I went back to my original meeting. I got so wrapped up in my life? or self-pity? or whatever excuse I felt most comfortable with that I stopped showing up at my own life. I gave up on my ambition. In order for me to succeed at the new points plan I have to forget everything I thought I knew. Learn a new approach, find my way...and SHOW UP to participate in my journey.

The people at this meeting have always been very supportive. They still are. They welcomed me back as if I had only been away on a vacation. Sometimes you lose sight of how much others mean to you or what you might mean to them. It felt great to be amongst people I have grown to know and like. Now the real work begins. Stayed tuned. :)

Out With the Old, In With Something New? or Is It Still Old?

Okay so I thought a new meeting with a new leader would be the thing. The thing? Success at program. I have been unable to sustain any success for quite some time. I was wrong about the new meeting with the new leader. Why? The truth is short and simple and me. Yes, I am totally at fault here. I was unhappy with the leader's style. I had grown restless in my adventure. My personal life was going through some major changes that I am still having difficulties dealing with. I did what any great escape artist would do, I ran. Funny thing is I have never been able to run away from myself.

I am going back to my Sunday weigh-in and meeting. I had my best success there. I need to set out on my journey again with a fresh prospective. I can do this. I want this.

The Hot Mess I Call Me

Angst is one of my favorite all time words. This describes me to a tee.

"Angst is a German word for fear or anxiety. It is used in English to describe a more intense feeling of internal emotional strife. Angst, in contemporary connotative use, most often describes the intense frustration and other related emotions of teenagers and the mood of the music with which they identify. Punk rock, grunge, rock and roll, and virtually any Alternative Rock dramatically combining elements of discord, melancholy and excitement may be said to assert angst"

That would be me. Intense internal emotional strife or in plain English I am a hot mess. I don't mean to be that way it just sort of happens. I am prone to worry and indecision. I drive myself crazy. I enrage Shrek with it.

It is just part of what makes me who I am. I am trying to let go of my demons. I do not know how to relax. I can be so intense over life that I scare myself.

I am fortunate. I have a hubby who loves me even though I am certifiable. We have a pretty great life together just being us. I need to learn to vocalize my frustrations with myself and situations in a better way. I want to be the best version of me that I can. Seems I need to do more work on myself and spend less time analyzing what is wrong in my life or with me or my job or a million other things I obsess over.

Hello? Dumbass This is Your Life Calling !

I consider myself to be fairly intelligent. My mother used to say I was too damned smart for my own good. How I hated when she would say that. Boy she was right. I think that is why I hated when she'd say it. I am too smart for my own good. I spend perciuos energy trying to think myself out of situations I don't enjoy or away from people I don't want to interact with. The simple truth about me is I want to be finished taking weight off. I have gotten lazy. I no longer care about the prize. That is just sad. I think I have forgotten that consitency makes for the best results.
I want to be on the other side of this weight loss journey. I just don't want to do the work anymore. Bad Attitude Alert. Now I need to find my own cure. Stay tuned. I am sure this ride will be interesting.