This One's For You

Often when I blog I talk about people yet don't mention them by name. It is my way of protecting the innocent just like on TV. Sometimes; however, people need to see themselves in my world. I have to admit  the longer I was away from my Sunday meeting the more I missed some of the very people who laughed with me, cried with me and helped me. One morning as I sat in my livingroom early this December I saw an email from Nancy (hi) asking after my general welfare. It made me smile and wax sentimental for the ladies I friended at that early morning meeting. I had been thinking about tucking tail and going back to base camp to reunite with my travel companions. That email sealed the deal.

Nancy's mom, Irene has been an active member of WW for almost 40 years. I am pretty sure her week feels off if she misses a meeting. She is there every Sunday even though she only has to officially weigh-in once a month. She doesn't know it but she is my hero. I aspire to be like her. I want to be the one who inspires someone to want more for themselves.

With friends by your side anything is possible. Thank you Sunday morning meeting people. I am happy to be back amongst friends where I belong.

Wednesday Words of Wisdom

In all the time that I have been blogging my journey did I ever mention that I went through a very dark scary space of time? I was very depressed not so much about my weight but about life. I didn't understand why I still had my life but my kidsister didn't. My kidsister died in a car accident May 2004. I was miserable to be around and hated everything and everyone. I seriously contemplated committing suicide. I was tired of settling for the lies I sold to myself. I just wanted the pain to stop. I thought about all that Brenda meant to me, how sad she would've have been if I gave up. I thought about my parents and my hubby. I chose to take charge of my life, accept responsibility for my failures, move on.

I taught myself as a kid to overeat as a way of self-medicating to deal with painful issues, to deal with loneliness, to deal with the dysfunction in my family. I am not sure what tipped my hand that first time toward the Twinkies or what was so appealing about stuffing myself until I felt as if I would be sick. Food has a hold over my soul that I struggle to overcome.  I watched my mother struggling with her own self-esteem my whole life. I know she was never confident in her own strengths. I am not sure if she ever came to terms with her issues.

The journey I chose to set out on is not an easy one; definately not for the faint of heart but worth it in the long run. I don't always make the right choices but I never give up. I want to reach goal. I want to be able to say I am in it for the long haul. I made that leap of faith in myself and am better for it. I have struggled  this week and I know that come Sunday when I go for weigh-in most likely it will reflect my lack of effort. Live, Learn, Let Go but keep moving towards something better... and the band plays on.

Frozen Entrees

My alarm is blaring. We got in late last night after a hockey game. I set that blasted thing so I wouldn't miss my WW meeting. I flip the covers off and back on with lightning speed. Holy amounts of Mercury it is freezing in my room. I made a promise to myself that if I went back to Sunday meetings I was going to try not to miss. I sit up and stretch to silence the clock before dear hubby stirs. I lie back down and pick up one of our cats from the corner of our bed and put her on my chest. The purring is nice and she is furry and warm. I begin to doze but the nagging "you have to go" notion is floating in my semi-conscientious state. I made a promise to myself.

I am not looking forward to going out in the cold. This weekend is supposed to be record setting. I layer up and head out. My Jeep groans as I start the engine. The temperature gauge on my dash glows 8 degrees. Crap 8? really? I stop at my local coffee shop and by the time I reach my meeting 5 miles away it has gone cold. UGH, but I am keeping my promise.

It is almost too cold to go out but I braved it. I have the idea that I just might be the only one who ventures out. My favorite weigh-in guy is there as is a roomful of my fellow WW friends. I guess I am not the only brave one. I am keeping my promise. I lost again this week, down 2.6 pounds. Sundays are for me :)

Hope Floats

I tried the new Points Plus program at WW last week. I did not track on paper. Instead I used the nifty little foodie calculator I paid $5.95 for. I love it. I had grown tired of tracking every morsel on paper. I firmly believe that if this program is supposed to carry me through the rest of my life then it needs to be more user friendly. The little foodie calculator let's me figure out food points and decide wether or not to spend their value.I like that fruit is now free. I hated the idea of skipping a banana or other favorite fruit in oder to SAVE points for foods that the human body needs in order to function. In truth it never made sense to me that fruit and veggies became limited. While I agree that stuffing yourself on fruits and veggies is also unwise I am less likely to do that. I have never had a problem with foods that are healthy for me, silly.  Thanks to the WW scientists for getting your heads out of your butts :)

I now feel like I have a method to overcome and survive the difficult path of choices (less crap in equals better quality of life without). I am more likely to stick to this program knowing that when hunger rings the doorbell in my tummy I can secure the entrance with things I like and enjoy. Best of all there will be no GUILT over it. I call that a WIN win...and by the way I lost 4.2 pounds.

On Showing Up

I could have easily rolled over and turned off the alarm clock. I got out of bed. I could have easily blamed Saturday night's snow. I got ready. I am a reluctant participant in my own life. Screwed up, right? You don't need to agree with me I know the truth. I drove across the city. I went back to my original meeting. I got so wrapped up in my life? or self-pity? or whatever excuse I felt most comfortable with that I stopped showing up at my own life. I gave up on my ambition. In order for me to succeed at the new points plan I have to forget everything I thought I knew. Learn a new approach, find my way...and SHOW UP to participate in my journey.

The people at this meeting have always been very supportive. They still are. They welcomed me back as if I had only been away on a vacation. Sometimes you lose sight of how much others mean to you or what you might mean to them. It felt great to be amongst people I have grown to know and like. Now the real work begins. Stayed tuned. :)

Out With the Old, In With Something New? or Is It Still Old?

Okay so I thought a new meeting with a new leader would be the thing. The thing? Success at program. I have been unable to sustain any success for quite some time. I was wrong about the new meeting with the new leader. Why? The truth is short and simple and me. Yes, I am totally at fault here. I was unhappy with the leader's style. I had grown restless in my adventure. My personal life was going through some major changes that I am still having difficulties dealing with. I did what any great escape artist would do, I ran. Funny thing is I have never been able to run away from myself.

I am going back to my Sunday weigh-in and meeting. I had my best success there. I need to set out on my journey again with a fresh prospective. I can do this. I want this.

The Hot Mess I Call Me

Angst is one of my favorite all time words. This describes me to a tee.

"Angst is a German word for fear or anxiety. It is used in English to describe a more intense feeling of internal emotional strife. Angst, in contemporary connotative use, most often describes the intense frustration and other related emotions of teenagers and the mood of the music with which they identify. Punk rock, grunge, rock and roll, and virtually any Alternative Rock dramatically combining elements of discord, melancholy and excitement may be said to assert angst"

That would be me. Intense internal emotional strife or in plain English I am a hot mess. I don't mean to be that way it just sort of happens. I am prone to worry and indecision. I drive myself crazy. I enrage Shrek with it.

It is just part of what makes me who I am. I am trying to let go of my demons. I do not know how to relax. I can be so intense over life that I scare myself.

I am fortunate. I have a hubby who loves me even though I am certifiable. We have a pretty great life together just being us. I need to learn to vocalize my frustrations with myself and situations in a better way. I want to be the best version of me that I can. Seems I need to do more work on myself and spend less time analyzing what is wrong in my life or with me or my job or a million other things I obsess over.

Hello? Dumbass This is Your Life Calling !

I consider myself to be fairly intelligent. My mother used to say I was too damned smart for my own good. How I hated when she would say that. Boy she was right. I think that is why I hated when she'd say it. I am too smart for my own good. I spend perciuos energy trying to think myself out of situations I don't enjoy or away from people I don't want to interact with. The simple truth about me is I want to be finished taking weight off. I have gotten lazy. I no longer care about the prize. That is just sad. I think I have forgotten that consitency makes for the best results.
I want to be on the other side of this weight loss journey. I just don't want to do the work anymore. Bad Attitude Alert. Now I need to find my own cure. Stay tuned. I am sure this ride will be interesting.