What is that rubbish that people like to quote? When God closes a door He opens a window. Allegorical rubbish. I think it is just a nice way of saying when something meets its finish there is always something new to start. Seems WWs has shoved a group of us in that direction. My old meeting which took place Sundays at 7:30a.m. has been eliminated. Mind you not because people were not showing up but because too many lifetime members are at this meeting. Round of applause for the leader, Thank you. WWs makes no money off this meeting. If you ask me, I know you won't because I'll tell you how I feel anyway, this sends a very bad message.
Bottom line WWs wants your $$. It is nice for their stats come fiscal inventory that a percentage of fatties lose weight and make lifetime but truth is they need fat people who fail. There is money to be made off of people who just can't get their shit together to lose weight and keep it off.
I wish I could change my eating for the better without outside help but I can't. I have tried. My new goal? I want to finish what I started for me because I am worth it. WWs can go pound sand. I will get to goal and become free and cost them revenue. I will, watch me.
Saturday, November 30, 2013
Tuesday, November 26, 2013
On Showing Up
I am starting this post right before I leave to go weigh in. I know that the scale will be at a number that I DO NOT like but I have grown myself into that number. I have to face the music and change the tune into something I want. I will finish this post....Surprise, surprise I actually somehow lost 1.2 lbs. I was shocked but I will take it.
I write this blog mostly for myself to keep the runway in my head clear from unwanted, dangerous debris. Someone commented on my post from a few days ago. It took me totally by surprise but it made me smile. Growing up I wanted to be the ONE people noticed for all the right reasons. I suffer from Jan Brady syndrome. Yes I admit it. I am a middle child. I have been short changed so many times I feel like a dented penny. Being an adult, one would think that I could just walk away from all the petty mind rumblings in my head, sadly this is not so. I am an emotional eater.
I still feel like I am unworthy of forgiveness, of love, of happiness, of... why can't I just let go? Is that shadow of unknown so scary that I AM afraid to put on the light/? The problem lies in my psyche.. I wanted someone to love me as I am, my hubby fills that need, yet I still feel unloved. I wanted to belong. I have friends, yet I feel like gum on their shoe that they can't find a way to shake. I wanted shelter, so we bought a house, yet I don't feel at home. My real problem is ME.
Being bullied by people has a way of putting a groove in your soul that you keep tripping over. Years later when it is all over and done with that groove plays over and over. I bully myself. I was not strong enough to be the different one, I was picked on and singled out because I was different. It is something that I struggle with everyday,in every aspect of my life. It is finding the right balance that is my stone. I need to learn to be kinder to myself. To cut myself a break now and then because perfect is only in the movies.
I write this blog mostly for myself to keep the runway in my head clear from unwanted, dangerous debris. Someone commented on my post from a few days ago. It took me totally by surprise but it made me smile. Growing up I wanted to be the ONE people noticed for all the right reasons. I suffer from Jan Brady syndrome. Yes I admit it. I am a middle child. I have been short changed so many times I feel like a dented penny. Being an adult, one would think that I could just walk away from all the petty mind rumblings in my head, sadly this is not so. I am an emotional eater.
I still feel like I am unworthy of forgiveness, of love, of happiness, of... why can't I just let go? Is that shadow of unknown so scary that I AM afraid to put on the light/? The problem lies in my psyche.. I wanted someone to love me as I am, my hubby fills that need, yet I still feel unloved. I wanted to belong. I have friends, yet I feel like gum on their shoe that they can't find a way to shake. I wanted shelter, so we bought a house, yet I don't feel at home. My real problem is ME.
Being bullied by people has a way of putting a groove in your soul that you keep tripping over. Years later when it is all over and done with that groove plays over and over. I bully myself. I was not strong enough to be the different one, I was picked on and singled out because I was different. It is something that I struggle with everyday,in every aspect of my life. It is finding the right balance that is my stone. I need to learn to be kinder to myself. To cut myself a break now and then because perfect is only in the movies.
Monday, November 18, 2013
Crossroads
Lately I find myself asking, where has my life gone? not where is my life going but where the hell has it gone to. I am near that crossroad in life. Over the hill. I am not ready to go over. I don't want to get any older. I don't want to have less life in front of me instead of endless days of youth. I wanted to be so much more than what I am. The problem with being Peter Pan is that one foolishly believes in the notion of never growing up. Believe and it is yours, sorry but pure bullshit. Yet somehow I bought it hook, line and sinker.
I have been fighting my "fat" demons since before I was 12 years old. I am tired. I have never been able to keep them at bay for any real length of time. Which leaves me wondering WHY? What is the answer? Is there an answer? I want peace of mind in a cluttered kingdom of distress. I have stopped trying to lose weight. I find myself getting fluffy. I am making seriously flawed decision regarding my health. I am becoming increasingly more and more angry with myself, my hubby, my dad, pick a category.
It is time for me, actually it is way past time for me, to put this to rest. Pick a direction and follow to the end road. I am going to try to do the unthinkable for myself. 225 days of making the right choices for my health. 225 days until I am pushed over the hill, 225 days to a better me. Time to start taking my WW life serious.
I have been fighting my "fat" demons since before I was 12 years old. I am tired. I have never been able to keep them at bay for any real length of time. Which leaves me wondering WHY? What is the answer? Is there an answer? I want peace of mind in a cluttered kingdom of distress. I have stopped trying to lose weight. I find myself getting fluffy. I am making seriously flawed decision regarding my health. I am becoming increasingly more and more angry with myself, my hubby, my dad, pick a category.
It is time for me, actually it is way past time for me, to put this to rest. Pick a direction and follow to the end road. I am going to try to do the unthinkable for myself. 225 days of making the right choices for my health. 225 days until I am pushed over the hill, 225 days to a better me. Time to start taking my WW life serious.
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