Me

There is a song by Paula Cole called Me. It is a great song with wonderful thoughts about being one's own worst enemy and yet one's biggest cheerleader. The very first time I heard it I was drawn to it. I guess for me it rings very true. I am my worst enemy and I try to be my own cheerleader. Here are some of the words courtesy of some lyric site.

And it is me who is my enemy
Me who beats me up
Me who makes the monsters
Me who strips my confidence
I am carrying my voice
I am carrying my heart
I am carrying my rhythm
I am carrying my prayers
But you cant kill my spirit
Its soaring and its strong
Like a mountain
I go on and on

The thing that I finally realized after being a faithful WW for over two years, I am the one who makes my journey tough. I have had the answer the entire time. Just like Dorothy had to go to Oz to realize that there really is "no place like home". She had the key to her own happiness the whole time. We all do. Epiphany!! It is Me. I am solely responisble for my actions good and bad. I will make it to the goal I have set for myself. I find that I actually enjoy being good to myself. My future is mine to write as I wish. For now I am happy to be.

This past week I tried something different. A galpal of mine suggested we walk during our morning coffee break instead of sittng and chatting and well eating... I am so glad I did it. I lost weight this week. I moved more and I felt great. I feel like I finally shook off winter. I found I was more alert while I sat at my desk. I ate less and slept better. I love when that happens.

I also made an honest effort at tracking my food activity. I was so great at that aspect before and then I got lazy and felt I could live without it. Surprise not true. I am one of those people who needs to account for all of the crap I put into my mouth or I will cheat. I do so much better when I am truthful with myself and I hold myself accountable for the things I do.

As Hubby Pointed Out...

Don't you just hate when someone points something out to you that you just don't want to accept or deal with? I know it makes me angry. The real question to ask; why does it make me angry? Sometimes I don't want to look at my life or where I am or what I am doing, sometimes I just want to wallow in my own "hot mess". Hubby pointed out to me today that I have virtually abandoned this blog. He pointed this out because I was shopping backgrounds and he coolly stated,"Oh, that's nice but why bother you don't blog on there anymore." So I got mad; because he is correct as usual...a really annoying trait of his, by the way.

I picked a nice background in spite of hubby or to spite hubby. I haven't decided. I have been in a slump. I made my year -and-a-half as a WW when suddenly I lost steam or confidence or perseverance. I am not really sure what but I lost my twinkle. It is hard to hold onto anything so intangible. I have, to my credit, not quit and still go to meetings with my best gal pal, a friend, and my auntie. My attitude has just gone under a transformation. I have become lax and complacent. I have gained and lost the same twelve pounds since August.

I have just decided today, as a matter of record, that it is time to finish this song and dance. While I realize that a person is never done with a life style change. I need to finish this for me. I have been an overweight person since junior high. I used to cry myself to sleep because I thought I would never get to be the person I knew I was meant to be. I find myself on the threshold to success. I know who I am. I know what I want. I just need to believe I can get there. Fear is a double-edged sword, helpful and hurtful. In the right situation it can put your spidey sense into hyperdrive and keep you safe from harm but on the other hand it makes you hang back when the wind is pulling at your kite and you just know you can fly, if you just believe.

I don't want to be afraid of succeeding anymore. I have done the work, walked the path, and purged my demons. It is time to fly.

I will try to blog more often not just for you the occasional reader but for myself so I don't forget I have me and I am a power to reckon with.

My Doctor

I went to my doctor the other day. He is pleased with my progress in the arena of maintenance. I have been able to stay the same or nearly the same weight since August. He doesn't even care if I lose one more pound! This from a man who I dreaded seeing four times a year. Yes, I said four times a year. I used to have to go every three to four months because I was so overweight. I had diabetes and high blood pressure and a million more little things that made me feel like crap every day. I am happy to report that my diabetes is gone. My blood pressure normal.

I would allow myself to get all worked up before each visit solely because he'd give me hell for not fixng my weight problem. I drove poor hubby crazy with my hemming and hawing about my hate of going to the doctor. I am still not a fan of going to the doctor but it is a necessary evil in life one must endure. If for no other reason than the people in your life need you to be healthy and happy, as much as possible.

I did not ask for a note to give to my WW leader. I have set a personal goal for myself that I know I can reach and one I hope to maintain also. My goal is more than WW wants me to weigh so eventually I will have to get a note from my doctor stating that he is ok with the number I have chosen to live by.

I could tell you if I lost weight this week, however; there was a snowstorm Sunday. My meeting was closed. I got up early, cleaned off my car, drove across the city and picked up my galpal Jadira. We went to Dunkins to get coffees. We got to our meeting place at the usual time, only to find out the meeting was closed. [Deep breaths] Damn I was not happy! Well, life goes on and I am sure that I will get to my meeting this week. Keep true to yourself...later.

Oh Yes I Can !

Ok so yesterday I went to my meeting. I was so sure that I had gained upwards of 5 pounds. The reality, a half-pound ! So it just goes to show just how large a person can make nothing into something in their mind. It is time to get over myself and finish what I started.

Every year at the end of February, Shrek and I go away for a weekend. Shrek and his buddies attend a gaming convention;while I get to go shopping with my best galpal Jadira. I love this weekend because it helps to put the winter to bed. It also helps me to just breathe and relax. I would like to be at goal before our annual outing. An achieviable goal if I just put in the work.

I will be putting away some money every week that I show a weight loss. I would like to be able to buy some killer boots or a leather coat. I have never allowed myself to own a leather coat because I felt that at my LARGE size it was wrong.

I am not afraid anymore about what awaits me on the other side of the bridge. I have always been able to see the view from my vantage point. I was just never wise enough to believe that I belonged there. Never give up on the person you are meant to be. I think I was struggling so much because I let myself forget what I am worth. I will try from this point on not forget what I mean to the people in my life. Or forget what I mean to me.

Peace...

The Journey of My Life

It is said that a journey of a thousand miles is begun with the first step. The thing is nobody ever warns you about the importance of that first step. Careful preliminary preparations need to be taken. Never leave on a journey without checking all of the details. Great planning makes for great times,usually. Did you ever notice how excited one gets right before vacation time comes? I always enjoy time outs from work but I notice that by the end of my time off I am exhausted. I need a vacation from my vacation.

I tried to finish my journey without ever relaxing, even just a little. I think I burned myself out on WW trying too hard to get to goal. I have stopped logging my foods. I have stopped planning. I have stopped checking labels. I have been pissed at myself. I laid down on the road and I haven't wanted to get off my ass and back up on my feet. Having said that...I am back on my feet. I might be a little unsteady for awhile but I am determined. Never give up on the person you are meant to be. I will win the day! The WW program works for me when I work with it.

"Tis The Season

Happy Holidays? I have never been a big fan of this time of year. I have been on program for nearly two years now. I can honestly say that even though I have made great strides in many of the areas of my life, holidays are still my downfall. This year is no exception. I need to learn to be honest with myself and those around me about how inadequate I feel about family and the events we get invited to and the events that we don't get invited to.


I believe that in order for me to succeed I need to deal with the demons, habits, and laziness I have been relying on for most of my life. Lately I have been not following program as religiously as when I first started my journey. Not a surprise. Weight loss gets more difficult the closer you are to reaching goal. Why? The honest answer; I stop myself from succeeding. I am afraid. I am bored. I am angry. I am confused. I am not as motivated as I once was. The reason for my failure to launch; I have grown complacent.

I never thought I would reach the day when I wish people would stop congratulating me on how well I am doing. UGH ! If only people had an idea about how imperfect I am or how poorly I have been doing. I have been overthinking and over analyzing everything in my life. Which leaves me feeling overwhelmed,which makes me feel like I am underachieving so I stress out and EAT!

WTF!!! Negative thinking gets a body nowhere but into trouble.

What have I learned? If I allow myself to continue to slide down the hill I will eat my way back to the blob I once was. Never give up on the person you are meant to be. I refuse to give up ! I will get to goal. I will...watch this blog for updates on my journey.