Life has a way of turning a person over on their ass cheeks. Life doesn't ask although sometimes it does warn you. 10/12/08 I weighed in at my WW meeting. The scale read back 174 for a total weight loss of 145.6 pounds! ...and then the fear set in. I let it persuade me away from my goal of 165. Fear, friend and foe. To have a little Fear can be a good thing. She can forewarn of danger or keep you from doing something foolish. I hate Fear and her evil twin Doubt. I have let them push me into corners and make decision for my life that I have lived to regret. I am convinced that Failure is just around the corner smoking cigarettes waiting for Fear to be done with her job so he can take over, put a sharpened stick into my soul and be done with me once and for all.
05/22/11 I weighed in at my WW meeting. The scale read back 217.8. ZOWIE!! Yes, that is what I thought. How did that happen? Well that is what happens when you let Fear and Failure drive you. I stopped being careful. I stopped exercising. I stopped trying. I started buying into my own lies.
I need to start over. I have never allowed myself to be a success. I am a self-saboteur. My biggest fault/flaw is that I stop believing in "my happy ending." It is counterproductive. I want more for me, from me. I want to be the best example of myself not the worst.
Starting over will be a good thing for me. I have asked Fear and Failure to leave me alone. I have put in a request for that winning team Confidence and Success. Who knows if I put in the work, have enough faith and patience maybe I can affect the change in my life I so desparately want.
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Far and Awry
Once upon a thirty odd years ago I was a young girl who yearned to be an adult. I finally got my wish one day when that sneaky mistress we all call Time slipped in through a weakness in my foundation. I have been looking for the throwback switch ever since. Why didn't I hold onto that magical time when everything was just out of reach but reachable? Why did I think that being a grownup was the goal to sprint for?
People often form the wrong idea about who I am. I know that I am to blame. I enjoy being somewhat of a mystery. Sometimes though I fool myself. Have you just ever wanted to walk away from your life? Why is it that when I am mired down by life I feel it right away? yet I am unable to recognize all the things in my life that are great just the way they are. I am sure I am not alone in those thoughts. I have a good life but I suffer from the grass is greener syndrome. I jump to the conclusion that people around me have it easier or nicer or better or more fulfilling. I feel my soul turn green with envy.I worry that someday the Grim Reaper will alight on my doorstep and only then will I realize that I wasted all those years not knowing I was happy. You can't get back what you have thrown away.
Stop throwing your life away. Lose faith and you lose everything.
Never give up on the person you are meant to be.
People often form the wrong idea about who I am. I know that I am to blame. I enjoy being somewhat of a mystery. Sometimes though I fool myself. Have you just ever wanted to walk away from your life? Why is it that when I am mired down by life I feel it right away? yet I am unable to recognize all the things in my life that are great just the way they are. I am sure I am not alone in those thoughts. I have a good life but I suffer from the grass is greener syndrome. I jump to the conclusion that people around me have it easier or nicer or better or more fulfilling. I feel my soul turn green with envy.I worry that someday the Grim Reaper will alight on my doorstep and only then will I realize that I wasted all those years not knowing I was happy. You can't get back what you have thrown away.
Stop throwing your life away. Lose faith and you lose everything.
Never give up on the person you are meant to be.
Friday, February 25, 2011
Challenges
Challenges everyone has them. It is how you handle them that sets you apart. I have been back on course since last Sunday. My challenge this week is Shrek's yearly convention. It is a gaming con. One with peoples of various sizes, shapes and levels of cleanliness. No, I am not kidding. I always find this gathering of the masses stressful. It allows me to step away from my home(safe) environs for a hotel room with mini kitchen. In the past it actually meant a nonstop eat fest. I mean it is easier to go out and capture prepared food then to actually make food. Great excuse but bad idea for a recovering food addict. I don't know why but almost all of a sudden I don't care about the junk food anymore. I am in a better mood when I make better choices. Shrek is one smart ogre.
I needed to put more of myself into my efforts. You know not just show up but dig in, participate.
I needed to put more of myself into my efforts. You know not just show up but dig in, participate.
Sunday, February 20, 2011
...And Then He Kissed Me
Up the three flights of stairs I go not at all happy about what the day may hold. Sundays can be very hectic for me and I know my hubby is hard at work writing for his sports page. I am supposed to be as quiet as a church mouse ( nearly impossible for ME of the Big Mouthed Clan). Imagine how surprised I was when Shrek met me at the door. "so how much did you lose?" I am pretty sure my look said it all; and that's when it happened, my hubby hugged me and said," I want you to try to do better and make better choices. You are happiest when you are doing the things you want to do." Okay not the exact words I am sure but I was shocked nonetheless. I nearly cried. What we do and say has an effect on others. My hubby has always been supportive of whatever I undertake from losing weight to skydiving. I know I am lucky. The support thingy doesn't work both ways. I am horrible at it. I admit it. I try, but mostly, I fail him. Huge character flaw. Good thing I am cute and he loves me.
I feel lost. This new program seems easy enough yet I struggle. The common sense part of my brain tells me that every food has a value and needs to be counted in some way but the foodie in me jumps up and down yelling,"yippee bananas are FREE!" I have spent a good portion of my life counting calories and fats. Now all of that has been thrown to the gutter and a new formula given. It feels like learning to stop my car at a green light and go on a red. What the crap!?! I sense DOOM.
{inhale, hold it for a count of 3,exhale} Okay, deal. Life is an ever changing process. I will track. I will try. I will triumph.
I feel lost. This new program seems easy enough yet I struggle. The common sense part of my brain tells me that every food has a value and needs to be counted in some way but the foodie in me jumps up and down yelling,"yippee bananas are FREE!" I have spent a good portion of my life counting calories and fats. Now all of that has been thrown to the gutter and a new formula given. It feels like learning to stop my car at a green light and go on a red. What the crap!?! I sense DOOM.
{inhale, hold it for a count of 3,exhale} Okay, deal. Life is an ever changing process. I will track. I will try. I will triumph.
Saturday, February 12, 2011
On Being Anonymous
When I first started this blog I didn't want anyone in my life to know I was writing about the crap in my head,or the things in and around my life. Great idea on paper except, I was born with a BIG mouth. Some people now know what I do. It makes journaling a little tougher but it keeps me honest.
I hate that as of late I don't seem to be able to sustain my weight- losing journey. My head is not in the game; hasn't been for a long time. See the cool thing about being anonymous is no one can hold you accountable for your successes or failures. As soon as someone close to you sees around the fences you have put up, the show changes.
People look to me for inspiration. People look up to me. It is very overwhelming. I am glad that I can stand as an example of "she did it so can I" but I have more questions than answers. I have stopped dealing with the demons that made me eat in the first place. Losing weight changes many things in a person's life not just the size of their underpants. I find it a bit perplexing that weight loss programs(WW and the like)waste so much attention on shedding the pounds but little on coming to terms with the issues that made you a Large Marge in the first place. I have yet to meet a fat person who is fat just because they love to eat. Anyone who says that is full of horse pucky. Most overweight people have an emotional need to feed. It is our drug of choice.
The demons in my head use circular logic; a self-perpetuating cycle of shame and punishment I fall into whenever I feel that I have fallen short of something I set out to accomplish. I am having stress, so I make bad choices which make me feel sorry for myself which causes me more stress which....and the cycle continues. I made this choice. I put aside what I know I should do and took up the side dish.
Why? I have a few thoughts rolling around about it. I refrain from putting them here because I know in my heart they are just excuses. I am trying my best to avoid myself. I am losing this battle. No matter where I run I am right there, kind of like a puppy chasing its tail.
I hate that as of late I don't seem to be able to sustain my weight- losing journey. My head is not in the game; hasn't been for a long time. See the cool thing about being anonymous is no one can hold you accountable for your successes or failures. As soon as someone close to you sees around the fences you have put up, the show changes.
People look to me for inspiration. People look up to me. It is very overwhelming. I am glad that I can stand as an example of "she did it so can I" but I have more questions than answers. I have stopped dealing with the demons that made me eat in the first place. Losing weight changes many things in a person's life not just the size of their underpants. I find it a bit perplexing that weight loss programs(WW and the like)waste so much attention on shedding the pounds but little on coming to terms with the issues that made you a Large Marge in the first place. I have yet to meet a fat person who is fat just because they love to eat. Anyone who says that is full of horse pucky. Most overweight people have an emotional need to feed. It is our drug of choice.
The demons in my head use circular logic; a self-perpetuating cycle of shame and punishment I fall into whenever I feel that I have fallen short of something I set out to accomplish. I am having stress, so I make bad choices which make me feel sorry for myself which causes me more stress which....and the cycle continues. I made this choice. I put aside what I know I should do and took up the side dish.
Why? I have a few thoughts rolling around about it. I refrain from putting them here because I know in my heart they are just excuses. I am trying my best to avoid myself. I am losing this battle. No matter where I run I am right there, kind of like a puppy chasing its tail.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
This One's For You
Often when I blog I talk about people yet don't mention them by name. It is my way of protecting the innocent just like on TV. Sometimes; however, people need to see themselves in my world. I have to admit the longer I was away from my Sunday meeting the more I missed some of the very people who laughed with me, cried with me and helped me. One morning as I sat in my livingroom early this December I saw an email from Nancy (hi) asking after my general welfare. It made me smile and wax sentimental for the ladies I friended at that early morning meeting. I had been thinking about tucking tail and going back to base camp to reunite with my travel companions. That email sealed the deal.
Nancy's mom, Irene has been an active member of WW for almost 40 years. I am pretty sure her week feels off if she misses a meeting. She is there every Sunday even though she only has to officially weigh-in once a month. She doesn't know it but she is my hero. I aspire to be like her. I want to be the one who inspires someone to want more for themselves.
With friends by your side anything is possible. Thank you Sunday morning meeting people. I am happy to be back amongst friends where I belong.
Nancy's mom, Irene has been an active member of WW for almost 40 years. I am pretty sure her week feels off if she misses a meeting. She is there every Sunday even though she only has to officially weigh-in once a month. She doesn't know it but she is my hero. I aspire to be like her. I want to be the one who inspires someone to want more for themselves.
With friends by your side anything is possible. Thank you Sunday morning meeting people. I am happy to be back amongst friends where I belong.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Wednesday Words of Wisdom
In all the time that I have been blogging my journey did I ever mention that I went through a very dark scary space of time? I was very depressed not so much about my weight but about life. I didn't understand why I still had my life but my kidsister didn't. My kidsister died in a car accident May 2004. I was miserable to be around and hated everything and everyone. I seriously contemplated committing suicide. I was tired of settling for the lies I sold to myself. I just wanted the pain to stop. I thought about all that Brenda meant to me, how sad she would've have been if I gave up. I thought about my parents and my hubby. I chose to take charge of my life, accept responsibility for my failures, move on.
I taught myself as a kid to overeat as a way of self-medicating to deal with painful issues, to deal with loneliness, to deal with the dysfunction in my family. I am not sure what tipped my hand that first time toward the Twinkies or what was so appealing about stuffing myself until I felt as if I would be sick. Food has a hold over my soul that I struggle to overcome. I watched my mother struggling with her own self-esteem my whole life. I know she was never confident in her own strengths. I am not sure if she ever came to terms with her issues.
The journey I chose to set out on is not an easy one; definately not for the faint of heart but worth it in the long run. I don't always make the right choices but I never give up. I want to reach goal. I want to be able to say I am in it for the long haul. I made that leap of faith in myself and am better for it. I have struggled this week and I know that come Sunday when I go for weigh-in most likely it will reflect my lack of effort. Live, Learn, Let Go but keep moving towards something better... and the band plays on.
I taught myself as a kid to overeat as a way of self-medicating to deal with painful issues, to deal with loneliness, to deal with the dysfunction in my family. I am not sure what tipped my hand that first time toward the Twinkies or what was so appealing about stuffing myself until I felt as if I would be sick. Food has a hold over my soul that I struggle to overcome. I watched my mother struggling with her own self-esteem my whole life. I know she was never confident in her own strengths. I am not sure if she ever came to terms with her issues.
The journey I chose to set out on is not an easy one; definately not for the faint of heart but worth it in the long run. I don't always make the right choices but I never give up. I want to reach goal. I want to be able to say I am in it for the long haul. I made that leap of faith in myself and am better for it. I have struggled this week and I know that come Sunday when I go for weigh-in most likely it will reflect my lack of effort. Live, Learn, Let Go but keep moving towards something better... and the band plays on.
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