Struggling but Still Striving

I started putting on pounds when I was a kid, maybe age 11 or 12 and I actively participated in this endeavor until I was 42 years old. I was a heavy teen and a heavy adult. I eat to put off dealing with issues I don't want to deal with. I am afraid of failing, yet I am afraid to succeed. I have not made it to goal because I am losing faith in myself. I don't want to be afraid anymore. I know I can do this. I am worth the success I have worked so hard to get. So why can't I grab that "brass ring"? I need to stop bitching about the things I don't have or can't do and instead celebrate what I have, what I've done, who I am.

I still struggle with my emotions. It is difficult for me not to eat when I am feeling overwhelmed or frustrated. I ate yesterday like I used to. Shame on me, I haven't forgotten how. I know I am in the midst of some emotional stresses that I am having a bitch of a time dealing with but I keep righting my canoe and I WILL finish this course and then start a new road. The Walk of Maintenance. It is time for me to accept responsibility for my life and the actions and decisions I make.


My kid sister who I love more than I can express here died in a car accident in 2004. I spent nearly the next three years in a deep depression and I ate and ate and ate. My parents clung to me with a vigor I've never experienced before. My mom was already in ill health and my dad's memory was beginning to fail. Still I ate. Things came to head for me February 2007. I knew I was nearly at the heaviest I had ever been. My quality of life was not good. I was having a hard time healing from a broken leg. I felt like my heart was going to explode and I was often short of breath. I thought about dying...I chose life. I came to my first WW meeting March 4, 2007.


No one escapes childhood without scars and anyone who tells you that they are just fine is lying to more than just themselves. I set high almost impossible life goals for myself to reach and then sank into a depression when none of my "dreams" came to fruition. Funny how even though I am an adult I can still reason with childlike innocence. I have set 10% goals along my way and now I am close to goal...success through careful planning and hard work...novel concept for me.


I was never given any life skills training when I was a kid. For real who can say that their parents or family gave them a handbook on "how to deal with all of the shit that will run downhill into your life?" Safe bet not many. Most people I am willing to bet raise their kids in the best way they know how and from they way they were raised.


I am the person I am because of the way I was raised, the environment I was exposed to and from (let's be honest) the choices and lack of choices I made for myself. No one thing makes you the person you are. It took me a stupid amount of time to like myself. I will never be the president of a college or run for VP of the US, but I like me foibles and all.

Success, my success as a WW has given me my life back. I now have a great quality of life. Gone is the shortness of breath and all of my various and sundry medications for diabetes and the like.
Most days I am happy to get out of bed and into my everyday life. I have purpose and meaning, just because I am alive. I know I am everything to someone and he deserves so much more than I can ever give him but he is happy to take what I offer. His belief in me never waivers. How fortunate I am. Love you dear hubby.



Never give up on the person you are meant to be.

At Last I Managed to Get My Head Out of My Ass

OMG! It's October already. I came within a whisker of giving up on me...but I didn't and so I won't. I am so close to crossing into the "FREE" part of WW that I can ,excuse the pun, almost taste it.

The memory and ability issues of my dad are, in my opinion, not getting any better and he may indeed be slipping down hill. His overall health is great. He has memory recall issues.

Stress is a pisser isn't it? I am often frustrated by my dad. It is kind of like reasoning with a small child,which he isn't. I was feeling quite overwhelmed but I thought I had a good hold on my feelings. I was sure that even though I seemed to be reaching for comfort foods (stuffing my face) that I was in control and not feeding my feelings instead of dealing with all of my emotions. Once an addict always an addict...something I need to learn. I know I can't trust myself when I am stressed especially when there is gooey, sweet or crunchy,salty just waiting for me to come and hang out.

I have learned a lot about myself on this journey. I have put on 5 pounds in recent weeks and yes, I deserve each and every one of those little guys. It is so true that no one can lie to you like you can lie to yourself. I promised, I whined, I bargained, I pleaded with myself and anyone one who would bend me their ear my way that I was only taking a rest, enjoying a break. Horseshit is still horseshit even if it is covered in flowers. I was lying people, to you to myself. That won't happen again.

I went to WW this morning and weighed in and took my lumps. I have reassessed my points allowance, my efforts, and my goal weight. I still want to be 165 pounds. I know I can do this. I deserve this for me, for my health, for my family. I have worked hard. Now is no time to give up. I have finally managed to dislodge my head from my ass. I should be able to continue on my journey now and reach the end of the Brick Road and enter into theEmerald City.

I will make it. Never give up on the person you are meant to be...never.