My Worst Enemy

If you haven't guessed yet...it would be me. I am my own worst enemy. Are you surprised? I shouldn't be surprised and yet I never stop surprising myself. I am a firm believer that there is no one who can lie to me like I can lie to myself. I am very good at reading someone else and calling their bluff; but let me start polishing up my bullshit stone and I will buy my illogic lock, stock and barrel. I am truly amazing.

Now for some truths. I loathe the fact that I don't seem to be able to get along in my life without Weight Watchers. I miss a few meetings before I know it I am stuffing my face. I trick myself into thinking that I can go it alone. I hate the fact I have an addictive personality. My choice of poison; food. I guess in a small way I should be happy that I choose food and not something else like alcohol or drugs. The real damage is caused from the way that I hound myself about being weak. Acceptance is a battle hard fought and often lost.

More truths; I bailed on myself when my weight reached 174 pounds because I was afraid of succeeding. In my head I still think of myself as "fat girl". I allow myself to wallow in self-pity over trivial bullshit using food as punishment. I am an intelligent gal who does not so intelligent things. What does the future hold for me? What do I really want for myself? Am I smart enough to accept the truth about the whys of my overeating? The future is written every minute of everyday until it becomes the past. I only have the power to work in the now. What I really want is a life I can be satisfied with because I do the best I can do at the moment with the tools I have. I know I am smart enough to accept the whys of my indulgences. I need to stop and think before I traverse the wrong path, make the wrong choices. I need to stop thinking of myself as a "fat girl" self-acceptance is the toughest thing for me. I need to work on this aspect of myself everyday.

I know that for myself I feel at my best when I actively participate in my journey. I have said before that I wanted to weigh 165 pounds. I say it again now. It is time for me to pick myself up, dust myself off, dislodge my head from my ass and finish what I started. I am worth it. I deserve to be happy and healthy. Never give up on the person you are meant to be, ever.

My First Swim Back

I made it back to the Y. I must admit that I was nervous. It has been a good long while since my last water aerobics class. I was a little worried that I wouldn't be able to keep up. After the initial jitters wore off I did OK. It was kind of like an old-fashioned homecoming. The instructor didn't recognize me, some of the ladies didn't either. It felt really wonderful to get back into action, stretch and participate. It was great to feel like I belonged to something bigger than myself. My next class is Thursday. I did It !

It's Time

I did something for myself today. I joined the local YWCA . I belonged before and I loved going to the aqua-aerobics classes. As the winter progressed that first year I lost momentum, I got plain lazy, I stopped going. I have said before and I am sure I will say again no one can lie to you like you yourself can. I promised myself I would go back and I let myself down. I gave up on myself. It's time to make another turn in the road. One toward the right direction.

Making a life style change is hard work. It is not for the easily deterred. I started this journey not sure of how long I would last or if I would even make that first turn. I stayed the course and managed to lose a lot of weight.I like my life now. There is so much I can do for myself, by myself that I just couldn't before. I have energy. I have ambition. I have a measure of self worth that didn't exist before. I don't want to lose those things. Slowly I have been letting my old way of eating and thinking creep back into my life.

I am good at supplying handy excuses to enable eating shouldn'ts. My life has stress but whose life doesn't? I am not unique in that. I just need to channel the stress into positive energy and not put food in my mouth. Sometimes a person needs to be the change they want to see. You know a little of the if you believe you can make a difference you can.

Once Upon a Time...

I used to handle all of my stress real, imaginary and that brought unto me by my own stupidity in the same manner; you guessed it by stuffing my face. It never really matters what it is that gets put into my face as long as it goes in and consumes my extra emotion. It never ceases to amaze me that once in a full blown tumble it is hard almost impossible to stop and right myself before too much damage is done. At this very posting I am trying to get back onto the right mind set and stop myself from falling any further. I am at that critical point where if I am not careful I will put back on a signifigant amount of weight. I have become complacent and arrogant and bored. I know I am capable of achieving what I set out to do I just haven't wanted to go there.

{L-A-Z-Y}

I have to search for creative ways to handle all the stress giving things in and around my world. I deserve so much more than I allow myself to have. I need to get back to putting aside some time everyday for myself. I need to believe I can indeed reach that goal. If truth is to be told [and I am trying to be truthful] I enjoy eating the right foods. I like not feeling guilty about the food I eat and the choices I make. I like feeling like I can do anything, go anywhere. I don't feel like a fatgirl anymore. I can allow myself to win.

Something Worth Posting

Often I start a post and then change my mind. I was cleaning out my old Word documents and I found this one I never posted. I have reread it and I like it so I am posting it now.


So It’s Been A While…
I haven’t blogged in some time now. More than a few of you may be wondering what’s up with me and then again maybe not. I’d like to be candid with you but the truth is I am not certain what to say. I am in a funk. I have not felt like chatting up the general population.
It eats at my soul and won’t let me rest. I have fought my way to the top of the hill. I can see that more road lies ahead of me. I am weary. I won’t let me trust myself. I often say that everyone who lives has something to battle. I wish with all of my being that I was not addicted to food. When I am behaving and doing well there is nothing of this Earth that can compare to the rush that I feel; the downside is the crash. The crash is the thing that I am having the hardest time wrestling with lately. I hold myself in check not wanting to cross the finish line. Foolishly I hang onto the FAT GIRL I was. As if by putting that part of myself away I will stop being who I think I am.


Self-hatred is the most damaging thing there is. I hate myself for things that are intangible and only have meaning to me. There is nothing specific just some bullshit that I hold onto to.
A flame unattended will either flare up or burn out. So it is best to attend to that which makes you burn for the things you want to accomplish. I know that I started this journey with a small belief in myself. Slowly and with a lot of hard work belief in myself grew. I am hanging in there. Life, if you are wise enough to live it, is a great thing. For too many years in the recent past I didn’t live my life and I am sad to say that I was so deep into the feed the face thing that I missed out on most of my youth.

On this journey I have learned that I have staying power. I CAN do anything I set my mind too. I started on this path more than a year ago. In that time I have lost over 140 pounds. Sometimes I just forget all the things that I have gained from this trip.
I know that sounds odd but if you lose weight the right way you gain so much more from the drive. No price can be put on self-esteem or the pride I have in myself for adapting new ways of thinking and living. Sure I still get it wrong sometimes but I get it right way more often.

I Got One

I found a dress. One I feel I can live with that hides most of my flaws. One battlefield conquered a few more fields to cross...like shoeland and cute little purseland. Oh Happy day.

Reconciliation

Today I went dress shopping. Friends of ours are getting married July 4th. I thought that the chances of it being hot on that day might make a dress a good choice. Yeah....wrong. I went to Kohl's, Lane Bryant, Burlington Coat. While I am on the subject of shopping I got the look today. That look that heavy girls shoot out at women they believe shouldn't be in stores for "fat girls". I wasn't sure it was aimed at me until the second time it was sent my way followed by a digusted,"tsk,tsk,tsk." Odd for me to be on the other side of that fence.


I still have not reconciled myself to the fact that I do not like the way my body looks. I am disapponted. I am not heavy anymore. I exercise and yet my body is not pretty. I hate to look at myself without clothes. I hate trying to buy clothes that hide the empty skin that hangs. Mind you I don't have layers and layers of skin to camouflage but for real it makes me sad to look at the way I have left my vessel of beauty.


Deep under the layers of my fat lived a girlie girl. I wanted to move past the image I had of myself and embrace the true me; the beautiful one. Self-acceptance it seems is the longest journey of all.

Pain Along the Path

Expectations...so hard to live up to, so hard to live with. Why do we tend to be hardest on ourselves? The person I see in the mirror is me and yet I expect to find someone else. Someone who has all of their shit together. I am disappointed. I have fallen out of love with my meeting and my leader. It takes a mental exercise to get myself to show up and participate. I feel like a change of meeting and leader might help a little.I don't know what I want to do. I have come so far and only have a short jump to the "finish line". This race is never over unless I give up and stop trying to run the race. I am trying to pick my ass up off the curb and drag my bones over to the finish line of one kind of race so I can move onto the start line for the next race.

I find myself thinking, "can I do this? do I want to keep doing this? why do I want to continue doing this?" I struggle more now that I am closer to goal than when I had 160 pounds to lose. Somehow I have lost faith in myself. I feel like a phony because I haven't been putting my best foot forward since August of 2008. My attitude needs to change. I need to change it. I know that I am the key to my success and no one (but me) can do what I NEED to do for me to be a success. I refuse to give up on myself, absolutely refuse.

I will make it to goal. I will make it to goal. I will make it to goal!

Me

There is a song by Paula Cole called Me. It is a great song with wonderful thoughts about being one's own worst enemy and yet one's biggest cheerleader. The very first time I heard it I was drawn to it. I guess for me it rings very true. I am my worst enemy and I try to be my own cheerleader. Here are some of the words courtesy of some lyric site.

And it is me who is my enemy
Me who beats me up
Me who makes the monsters
Me who strips my confidence
I am carrying my voice
I am carrying my heart
I am carrying my rhythm
I am carrying my prayers
But you cant kill my spirit
Its soaring and its strong
Like a mountain
I go on and on

The thing that I finally realized after being a faithful WW for over two years, I am the one who makes my journey tough. I have had the answer the entire time. Just like Dorothy had to go to Oz to realize that there really is "no place like home". She had the key to her own happiness the whole time. We all do. Epiphany!! It is Me. I am solely responisble for my actions good and bad. I will make it to the goal I have set for myself. I find that I actually enjoy being good to myself. My future is mine to write as I wish. For now I am happy to be.

This past week I tried something different. A galpal of mine suggested we walk during our morning coffee break instead of sittng and chatting and well eating... I am so glad I did it. I lost weight this week. I moved more and I felt great. I feel like I finally shook off winter. I found I was more alert while I sat at my desk. I ate less and slept better. I love when that happens.

I also made an honest effort at tracking my food activity. I was so great at that aspect before and then I got lazy and felt I could live without it. Surprise not true. I am one of those people who needs to account for all of the crap I put into my mouth or I will cheat. I do so much better when I am truthful with myself and I hold myself accountable for the things I do.

As Hubby Pointed Out...

Don't you just hate when someone points something out to you that you just don't want to accept or deal with? I know it makes me angry. The real question to ask; why does it make me angry? Sometimes I don't want to look at my life or where I am or what I am doing, sometimes I just want to wallow in my own "hot mess". Hubby pointed out to me today that I have virtually abandoned this blog. He pointed this out because I was shopping backgrounds and he coolly stated,"Oh, that's nice but why bother you don't blog on there anymore." So I got mad; because he is correct as usual...a really annoying trait of his, by the way.

I picked a nice background in spite of hubby or to spite hubby. I haven't decided. I have been in a slump. I made my year -and-a-half as a WW when suddenly I lost steam or confidence or perseverance. I am not really sure what but I lost my twinkle. It is hard to hold onto anything so intangible. I have, to my credit, not quit and still go to meetings with my best gal pal, a friend, and my auntie. My attitude has just gone under a transformation. I have become lax and complacent. I have gained and lost the same twelve pounds since August.

I have just decided today, as a matter of record, that it is time to finish this song and dance. While I realize that a person is never done with a life style change. I need to finish this for me. I have been an overweight person since junior high. I used to cry myself to sleep because I thought I would never get to be the person I knew I was meant to be. I find myself on the threshold to success. I know who I am. I know what I want. I just need to believe I can get there. Fear is a double-edged sword, helpful and hurtful. In the right situation it can put your spidey sense into hyperdrive and keep you safe from harm but on the other hand it makes you hang back when the wind is pulling at your kite and you just know you can fly, if you just believe.

I don't want to be afraid of succeeding anymore. I have done the work, walked the path, and purged my demons. It is time to fly.

I will try to blog more often not just for you the occasional reader but for myself so I don't forget I have me and I am a power to reckon with.

My Doctor

I went to my doctor the other day. He is pleased with my progress in the arena of maintenance. I have been able to stay the same or nearly the same weight since August. He doesn't even care if I lose one more pound! This from a man who I dreaded seeing four times a year. Yes, I said four times a year. I used to have to go every three to four months because I was so overweight. I had diabetes and high blood pressure and a million more little things that made me feel like crap every day. I am happy to report that my diabetes is gone. My blood pressure normal.

I would allow myself to get all worked up before each visit solely because he'd give me hell for not fixng my weight problem. I drove poor hubby crazy with my hemming and hawing about my hate of going to the doctor. I am still not a fan of going to the doctor but it is a necessary evil in life one must endure. If for no other reason than the people in your life need you to be healthy and happy, as much as possible.

I did not ask for a note to give to my WW leader. I have set a personal goal for myself that I know I can reach and one I hope to maintain also. My goal is more than WW wants me to weigh so eventually I will have to get a note from my doctor stating that he is ok with the number I have chosen to live by.

I could tell you if I lost weight this week, however; there was a snowstorm Sunday. My meeting was closed. I got up early, cleaned off my car, drove across the city and picked up my galpal Jadira. We went to Dunkins to get coffees. We got to our meeting place at the usual time, only to find out the meeting was closed. [Deep breaths] Damn I was not happy! Well, life goes on and I am sure that I will get to my meeting this week. Keep true to yourself...later.