My Worst Enemy

If you haven't guessed yet...it would be me. I am my own worst enemy. Are you surprised? I shouldn't be surprised and yet I never stop surprising myself. I am a firm believer that there is no one who can lie to me like I can lie to myself. I am very good at reading someone else and calling their bluff; but let me start polishing up my bullshit stone and I will buy my illogic lock, stock and barrel. I am truly amazing.

Now for some truths. I loathe the fact that I don't seem to be able to get along in my life without Weight Watchers. I miss a few meetings before I know it I am stuffing my face. I trick myself into thinking that I can go it alone. I hate the fact I have an addictive personality. My choice of poison; food. I guess in a small way I should be happy that I choose food and not something else like alcohol or drugs. The real damage is caused from the way that I hound myself about being weak. Acceptance is a battle hard fought and often lost.

More truths; I bailed on myself when my weight reached 174 pounds because I was afraid of succeeding. In my head I still think of myself as "fat girl". I allow myself to wallow in self-pity over trivial bullshit using food as punishment. I am an intelligent gal who does not so intelligent things. What does the future hold for me? What do I really want for myself? Am I smart enough to accept the truth about the whys of my overeating? The future is written every minute of everyday until it becomes the past. I only have the power to work in the now. What I really want is a life I can be satisfied with because I do the best I can do at the moment with the tools I have. I know I am smart enough to accept the whys of my indulgences. I need to stop and think before I traverse the wrong path, make the wrong choices. I need to stop thinking of myself as a "fat girl" self-acceptance is the toughest thing for me. I need to work on this aspect of myself everyday.

I know that for myself I feel at my best when I actively participate in my journey. I have said before that I wanted to weigh 165 pounds. I say it again now. It is time for me to pick myself up, dust myself off, dislodge my head from my ass and finish what I started. I am worth it. I deserve to be happy and healthy. Never give up on the person you are meant to be, ever.