Wednesday Words of Wisdom

In all the time that I have been blogging my journey did I ever mention that I went through a very dark scary space of time? I was very depressed not so much about my weight but about life. I didn't understand why I still had my life but my kidsister didn't. My kidsister died in a car accident May 2004. I was miserable to be around and hated everything and everyone. I seriously contemplated committing suicide. I was tired of settling for the lies I sold to myself. I just wanted the pain to stop. I thought about all that Brenda meant to me, how sad she would've have been if I gave up. I thought about my parents and my hubby. I chose to take charge of my life, accept responsibility for my failures, move on.

I taught myself as a kid to overeat as a way of self-medicating to deal with painful issues, to deal with loneliness, to deal with the dysfunction in my family. I am not sure what tipped my hand that first time toward the Twinkies or what was so appealing about stuffing myself until I felt as if I would be sick. Food has a hold over my soul that I struggle to overcome.  I watched my mother struggling with her own self-esteem my whole life. I know she was never confident in her own strengths. I am not sure if she ever came to terms with her issues.

The journey I chose to set out on is not an easy one; definately not for the faint of heart but worth it in the long run. I don't always make the right choices but I never give up. I want to reach goal. I want to be able to say I am in it for the long haul. I made that leap of faith in myself and am better for it. I have struggled  this week and I know that come Sunday when I go for weigh-in most likely it will reflect my lack of effort. Live, Learn, Let Go but keep moving towards something better... and the band plays on.