Sometimes the Weather Gods Smile Down On You

...and sometimes they just don't. I set my alarm for 7:30 this morning to get up and ready for my new meeting at my new time. The weather gods had other ideas in mind. Due to a light coating of ice on the road ways this morning has been canceled.

I am house bound today. I am not unhappy, however;  I start to get cabin fever if I am forced to stay inside too long. The real test is NOT to pick at the groceries I have in my house. I am attempting to be on program again after a lengthy hiatus. Wish me luck and check back here later to see how I did.

One Journey Ends as Another Begins

What is that rubbish that people like to quote? When God closes a door He opens a window. Allegorical rubbish. I think it is just a nice way of saying when something meets its finish there is always something new to start. Seems WWs has shoved a group of us in that direction. My old meeting which took place Sundays at 7:30a.m. has been eliminated. Mind you not because people were not showing up but because too many lifetime members are at this meeting. Round of applause for the leader, Thank you.  WWs makes no money off  this meeting. If you ask me, I know you won't  because I'll tell you how I feel anyway, this sends a very bad message.

Bottom line WWs wants your $$. It is nice for their stats come fiscal inventory that a percentage of fatties lose weight and make lifetime but truth is they need fat people who fail. There is money to be made off of people who just can't get their shit together to lose weight and keep it off.

I wish I could change my eating for the better without outside help but I can't. I have tried. My new goal?  I want to finish what I started for me because I am worth it. WWs can go pound sand. I will get to goal and become free and cost them revenue. I will, watch me.

On Showing Up

I am starting this post right before I leave to go weigh in. I know that the scale will be at a number that I DO NOT like but I have grown myself into that number.  I have to face the music and change the tune into something I want. I will finish this post....Surprise, surprise  I actually somehow lost 1.2 lbs. I was shocked but I will take it.

 I write this blog mostly for myself to keep the runway in my head clear from unwanted, dangerous debris. Someone commented on my post from a few days ago. It took me totally by surprise but it made me smile. Growing up I wanted to be the ONE people noticed for all the right reasons. I suffer from Jan Brady syndrome. Yes I admit it. I am a middle child. I have been short changed so many times I feel like a dented penny. Being an adult, one would think that I could just walk away from all the petty mind rumblings in my head, sadly this is not so. I am an emotional eater.

I still feel like I am unworthy of forgiveness, of love, of  happiness, of... why can't I just let go? Is that shadow of unknown so scary that I AM  afraid to put on the light/? The problem lies in my psyche.. I wanted someone to love me as I am, my hubby fills that need, yet I still feel unloved. I wanted to belong. I have friends, yet I feel like gum on their shoe that they can't find a way to shake. I wanted shelter, so we bought a house, yet I don't feel at home. My real problem is ME.

Being bullied by people has a way of putting a groove in your soul that you keep tripping over. Years later when it is all over and done with that groove plays over and over.  I bully myself. I was not strong enough to be the different one, I was picked on and singled out because I was different. It is something that I struggle with everyday,in every aspect of my life. It is finding the right balance that is my stone. I need to learn to be kinder to myself. To cut myself a break now and then because perfect is only in the movies.

Crossroads

Lately I find myself asking, where has my life gone? not where is my life going but where the hell has it gone to. I am near that crossroad in life. Over the hill. I am not ready to go over. I don't want to get any older. I don't want to have less life in front of me instead of endless days of youth. I wanted to be so much more than what I am. The problem with being Peter Pan is that one foolishly believes in the notion of never growing up. Believe and it is yours, sorry but pure bullshit. Yet somehow I bought it hook, line and sinker.
   
    I have been fighting my "fat" demons since before I was 12 years old. I am tired. I  have never been able to keep them at bay for any real length of time. Which leaves me wondering WHY? What is the answer? Is there an answer? I want peace of mind in a cluttered kingdom of distress. I have stopped trying to lose weight. I find myself getting fluffy. I am making seriously flawed decision regarding my health. I am becoming increasingly more and more angry with myself, my hubby, my dad, pick a category.

     It is time for me, actually it is way past time for me, to put this to rest. Pick a direction and follow to the end road. I am going to try to do the unthinkable for myself. 225 days of making the right choices for my health. 225 days until I am pushed over the hill, 225 days to a better me. Time to start taking my WW life serious.

22 Saturdays

There are just 22 Saturdays between now and my next birthday.  

There are just 3 Saturdays between now and my next birthday. I have squandered the rest on anger, misguidance and general mayhem. When a person is of a certain age it seems as if time does not budge. Waiting to drive, waiting to date, waiting for a red light to turn green...sorry got sidetracked. Waiting for milestones in life always feel like a long drawn out process; whereas the good times actually do roll, right by at blinding speed.

I don't enjoy getting older. I have always hated this aspect of being alive. I wanted to be 12 forever but 13 came right along and tossed my dream to the ground. I have been aging steady since. I now belong to that crowd that all the younger people call old. The problem with youth is that while we are in the middle of it we never realize how cool or how fleeting youth is.

Another year says goodbye. Another year to try to get my world to tilt right. As long as there is hope there is another chance.

I Am....

... so very many things at this moment. I am weary, I am depressed, I am ANGRY, I am uncertain of which direction I want my life to go in. Today is my Dad's 78th birthday. He lives with dementia which means that I live with dementia. His condition stresses me out. Have you ever seen the movie "Groundhog Day"? Well pretty much that is my life. I know I shouldn't bitch but it is so hard to relive the same bad day over and over and over and over, see it starts to get to you too. I call it my "Never Ending Story" except I don't get to fly on the back of a Luck Dragon.

I love my Dad so so much. It kills me that he can't recall the day of the week or the season we are in or my kid sister. In his mind he is responsible for my mother's passing because of something he did or something he failed to do. I think sometimes he thinks she left and is in fact alive somewhere. My Dad often cries to me that he is lonely. How do you tell someone there is no cure for that? He could be surrounded by people in a busy room and not remember he was there a few minutes after leaving.

He yearns for people, places and things of his past that are no longer there.  Many of his relatives and friends have passed. In his world almost everyone is intact. Money can't buy peace of mind no matter how much you wish on pixie dust. In the end it is just dust.

I need to get my life back on track. I am at that point where I am starting to hate myself for all of my "shortcomings". I am just me, traveling the same road of life that everyone else is on. I don't have any answers I never did. My life is rife with questions, questions, and more questions.

I am loved. I am important. I am beautiful. I am smart. I am not a quitter.
I am hopeful. I am determined. I am...so much more than I ever imagined possible.

I will succeed.

This journey I have put myself on should have come with warning signs. = (

To Gym Or Not To Gym

Have you ever started a blog post with a firm course set in mind and then driven right off the edge?
I thought I knew what I wanted to spill thoughts about today when hubby and I got home from work.  I am sitting here drinking my coffee; stuck with a head full of ideas but nothing concrete to chew on.

Today at work my cubiemates and I had an intense conversation about WW and Planet Fitness. Good thing because it gave me perspective on how others feel about both diets and exercise. Bad thing because now I want to join the gym. Bad because like a cheap firecracker all my sparkle will burn off and fizzle out before I achieve any measurable success. I like the IDEA of belonging to a gym. I just fall short of going on a consistent basis. I had my best record when I belonged to the YWCA next to the library. I did aqua aerobics 3 nights a week for nearly 6 months. Eventually I talked myself out of going as often and then I quit. I miss those classes. I had so much fun and my body was really starting to tone up.

At this moment I am concentrating on getting back into the swing of the WW program. I want to have a few weeks under my belt before I jump any new heights. Take some quality time to rebuild my self-confidence a bit before I take a risk.

How Time Flies

     How time flies on a Sunday. It is 8:17 pm as I sit down to compose this. My day is drawing to a close. Why don't work days fly by this fast? I managed to eek out a loss this week. I'll take that as a win in my column thank you very much. I started this journey March 4,2007 without great expectations. In some ways it still feels like I just walked through the door to that first meeting. I wasn't actually motivated but sick and tired. I walked into that meeting with high blood pressure, diabetes, acne, girl problems and depression. I had no where else to go but up. I remember leaving that first meeting wondering how is this time around going to be any different.
 
     Somewhere within that first week I grasped the idea that this time it was ME that was going to be different. My success or failure would be solely on me. In the span of a few short months it will be my sixth anniversary as an active WW member. I guess it's not just Sunday that flies by. I am different; I am a better me.  It takes someone of strong character to affect change. It is very difficult when you want that change for yourself. It is so easy to let yourself down, to quit on yourself, to put yourself out of the game. I never knew I was strong. I never felt I had value as a person. My how I have grown while my body has gotten smaller.

      I struggle. Who doesn't? I just have to learn to put my negative thoughts into positive actions. I started to blog again. I find it helps me sort through all the bullsh*t I have rolling around in my head. I am trying to set aside time everyday to make sure I have tracked what I have put past the gateway. I am trying to accept that it doesn't have to be "all or nothing" to be a success at losing/maintaining weight. I mean who lives that way really? Who can? Not this gal.

       I am also blessed to have a hubby who never lets me quit, a best friend that stands beside me, and a group of WW peeps I have come to call friends.

     
    

A Return to Near Normal

I say near normal because I know no one who is. I used to want to be normal. I have come to believe that normal is like time an elusive bitch you can never have. Tomorrow is my wiegh-in day, Sunday.
I am not a big fan of Sunday. It is too hectic and stressed filled for me. Crawl out of bed around 6. Put on coffee, feed CAT, jump in shower, wake hubby. Leave for WW. Try to think positive thoughts. Sometimes I succeed, sometimes I want to roll over, smash the alarm clock and sleep until noon. Life however has different plans.
   For  the first time in a very long time I am actually looking forward to going to WW in the morning. I do not expect a weight loss. I just think I have come to terms with who I am and what I want from program. I want to be better, to feel better, to look better, to set a goal and get there through my own hard work.

Next up...Friday

     Well it is Friday. We managed to blow our first sick day of the year. Poor hubby a tad under the weather while I am just plain out of gas. I am in a good mood though. I did a great job yesterday trying my new way. Today actually went better than yesterday.  I even logged all my groceries. I am amazed. Watch out day three here I come =)!!!

      The best thing you can give yourself is a friend. I say that because I was reminded today how nice it is to have people in my life that I care about. To be able to be myself, to be comfortable being is all I think I've ever wanted.  The people in my life love me just the way I am. No more trying to be someone I am not.
    

New Day New Way

     It all has to start somewhere. It might as well start here and now. One step towards something better. I decided to try to turn my life in another direction. Just might be my sucky life is MY fault. What a novel idea. I don't know how long I will last but I know my inner goddess is up for any challenge I throw at her. I just stop believing in the power of me from time to time. Every time I step away from the me I know I fall flat on my ass.

     After my morning shower I kissed my hubby good morning at the start of our day. I haven't done that in a long time. It helped make my day easier to cope with. There is something to be said about affection. Even the smallest gesture makes you feel grand.

     I made it through work today without eating candy and assorted crap. I tracked my meals/snacks.
I am finally home for the night.It is 10:06 p.m. hubby is grumpy. I made it through my first day the new way. I am pooped. It took a huge effort. See what tomorrow will bring. G'night.

Not Again

Unfortunately yes again and again until I get this journey on the right path. I wish sometimes I had had the foresight to keep my blog private. Nothing hurts as much as falling down in front of an audience. I want to be better, to do better, to accomplish something. I want to be able to shout from the highest mountain. Even if that mountain is a kitchen chair. At this momemt in time on this particular day I feel like I am a failure.

It is time once again to stop, rest and assess. Where am I going? and what will I find? what's in this grab bag that I call my mind? what am I doing?