I Am....

... so very many things at this moment. I am weary, I am depressed, I am ANGRY, I am uncertain of which direction I want my life to go in. Today is my Dad's 78th birthday. He lives with dementia which means that I live with dementia. His condition stresses me out. Have you ever seen the movie "Groundhog Day"? Well pretty much that is my life. I know I shouldn't bitch but it is so hard to relive the same bad day over and over and over and over, see it starts to get to you too. I call it my "Never Ending Story" except I don't get to fly on the back of a Luck Dragon.

I love my Dad so so much. It kills me that he can't recall the day of the week or the season we are in or my kid sister. In his mind he is responsible for my mother's passing because of something he did or something he failed to do. I think sometimes he thinks she left and is in fact alive somewhere. My Dad often cries to me that he is lonely. How do you tell someone there is no cure for that? He could be surrounded by people in a busy room and not remember he was there a few minutes after leaving.

He yearns for people, places and things of his past that are no longer there.  Many of his relatives and friends have passed. In his world almost everyone is intact. Money can't buy peace of mind no matter how much you wish on pixie dust. In the end it is just dust.

I need to get my life back on track. I am at that point where I am starting to hate myself for all of my "shortcomings". I am just me, traveling the same road of life that everyone else is on. I don't have any answers I never did. My life is rife with questions, questions, and more questions.

I am loved. I am important. I am beautiful. I am smart. I am not a quitter.
I am hopeful. I am determined. I am...so much more than I ever imagined possible.

I will succeed.

This journey I have put myself on should have come with warning signs. = (