On Showing Up

I am starting this post right before I leave to go weigh in. I know that the scale will be at a number that I DO NOT like but I have grown myself into that number.  I have to face the music and change the tune into something I want. I will finish this post....Surprise, surprise  I actually somehow lost 1.2 lbs. I was shocked but I will take it.

 I write this blog mostly for myself to keep the runway in my head clear from unwanted, dangerous debris. Someone commented on my post from a few days ago. It took me totally by surprise but it made me smile. Growing up I wanted to be the ONE people noticed for all the right reasons. I suffer from Jan Brady syndrome. Yes I admit it. I am a middle child. I have been short changed so many times I feel like a dented penny. Being an adult, one would think that I could just walk away from all the petty mind rumblings in my head, sadly this is not so. I am an emotional eater.

I still feel like I am unworthy of forgiveness, of love, of  happiness, of... why can't I just let go? Is that shadow of unknown so scary that I AM  afraid to put on the light/? The problem lies in my psyche.. I wanted someone to love me as I am, my hubby fills that need, yet I still feel unloved. I wanted to belong. I have friends, yet I feel like gum on their shoe that they can't find a way to shake. I wanted shelter, so we bought a house, yet I don't feel at home. My real problem is ME.

Being bullied by people has a way of putting a groove in your soul that you keep tripping over. Years later when it is all over and done with that groove plays over and over.  I bully myself. I was not strong enough to be the different one, I was picked on and singled out because I was different. It is something that I struggle with everyday,in every aspect of my life. It is finding the right balance that is my stone. I need to learn to be kinder to myself. To cut myself a break now and then because perfect is only in the movies.